Wiggedy Wiggedy Wack (527 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 0.33 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by abefroman42 (View user info) at 2004-07-29 16:48:45 EDT
Vice President Dick Cheney cursed at Sen. Patrick J.
Leahy, Vermont Democrat, in a confrontation on the
Senate floor while members were having their annual
group picture taken earlier this week. . . . According
to [an] aide, Mr. Cheney . . . responded with a
barnyard epithet, urging Mr. Leahy to perform an
anatomical sexual impossibility.
—The Washington Times.
After Mr. Cheney successfully delivered th epithet
and started to walk away, Mr. Leahy—sotto
voce—referred to the Vice-Presiden using a term more
often heard in taverns an locker rooms than in the
august Senat chamber, a term that refers to a sexual
ac commonly acknowledged as taboo among al cultures
that proscribe incestuous contac between a mother and
a son
Mr. Cheney—apparently hearing Mr. Leahy's
remark—stopped, turned, and invited his colleague from
across the aisle to engage in a sexual act that is
considered a felony in some states, and which involves
oral-genital contact.
Mr. Leahy then suggested that the president of the
Senate take his gavel and use it to perform an act
that, while not technically impossible in anatomical
terms, would certainly be considered both unseemly and
unhygienic, and which would require an unusual
combination of single-minded ambition and physical
relaxation.
Mr. Cheney wasted no time in informing Mr. Leahy that
he should feel free to perform yet another anatomical
impossibility—this one involving aviation, a standard
sexual act, and a rolling doughnut.
At this point, according to observers, both statesmen
decided—by seemingly unspoken mutual consent—to
abandon the gutter patois of the common carnival
worker and to resort instead to an eminently more
quotable (but, to those not versed in the vagaries of
hip-hop idiom, more confusing) exchange of viewpoints.
"Oh, it's like that?" Mr. Cheney queried.
"Whut? Whut?" Mr. Leahy shot back.
"Once again," Mr. Cheney replied (quite obviously
quoting a lyric from Ice Cube's 1990 album,
"AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted"), "it's on."
As a quick-thinking senatorial aide switched on the
Senate's public-address system and cued up the
infamous "Seven Minutes of Funk" break, Mr. Leahy and
Mr. Cheney went head-to-head in what can only be
described as a "take no prisoners" freestyle rap
battle.
Most of the rhymes kicked therein cannot be quoted in
a family publication, but observers gave Mr. Cheney
credit for his deceptively laid-back flow. Mr. Leahy
was applauded for managing to rhyme the phrases
"unethical for certain," "crude oil spurtin'," and
"like Halliburton."
Despite the fact that both participants brought their
A-game and succeeded in dropping mad scientifics, the
bout seemed to end in a draw.
Unfortunately, as other senators (along with assorted
aides and support-staff members) were casting their
votes to decide the winner, using the admittedly
subjective but generally accepted "Make some noise up
in here!" protocols, Mr. Cheney and Mr. Leahy took the
proceedings to what one aide accurately described as
"the next level."
Edward M. Kennedy (D.-Mass.) was the first to notice
that the two men were circling each other, Mr. Cheney
brandishing a switchblade and Mr. Leahy the jagged
neck of a broken bottle.
"Oh, snap!" Mr. Kennedy recalls thinking at the time.
"It's getting kind of hectic up in this piece."
But before either of the aggrieved public servants
could bust a potentially injurious move on his rival,
cooler heads prevailed: a veteran Capitol Hill
security guard pacified the bloodthirsty white men
(Mr. Leahy first, then Mr. Cheney) with a shot from a
tranquillizer gun. He then had them returned to their
cages in the sub-basement of the Old Executive Office
Building, where both men are kept and fed during
non-business hours under the watchful eye of a
volunteer from Washington's National Zoo.
(In a related story, an AM talk-radio host in
Billings, Montana, who expressed his disappointment
with the behavior of Mr. Cheney and Mr. Leahy—on the
air, he asked his listeners, "Do we taxpayers really
have time for this kind of crap?"—was fined five
hundred thousand dollars for violating the F.C.C.'s
recent, Senate-approved guidelines prohibiting
explicit references to human excrement.)
User Reviews
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-11-09 17:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Removal of +2
Submitted by sterling96 (user info) at 2004-07-29 21:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural at 2004-07-29 17:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I refuse to be bothered to log in, but this is classic.
Submitted by monkeyrape (user info) at 2004-07-29 17:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
..involving aviation, a sexual act and a rolling doughnut....classic
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-07-29 17:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gold.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-07-29 17:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only half-read this and it seemed good, but you get a +2 as Sausage King Of Chicago.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-07-29 17:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that's pretty funny...wasn't sure where it was going at first, but it got there.