Why I won't ever go to Dollar General again. (1037 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.53 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by harmlessness is not retaliating. (View user info) at 2004-07-29 22:22:18 EDT
I'm sure you've all seen these stores. They're usually small, filthy inside, and stocked with cheap off-brand products. The employees are usually overweight high-school dropouts or crack heads. Mostly lower-class Hispanics and black people shop there, because they have basically everything essential to life at an unbelievable price.
I now know why the price is so unbelievable.
I had just gotten off of work and I still had my pouch on my belt. In the pouch was a carpet knife and a five-in-one tool used to tuck the carpet around the edges. I decided that I was in need of some incredibly cheap, off-brand soda.
Dr. Bob.
Dollar General is basically right next to one of the biggest crack spots in the state. If one walks to any of the hovels, he or she can obtain copious amounts of narcotics. So there's generally a large number of law-enforcement officers watching, waiting to catch a jonesing idiot in desperate need of some crack.
But I digress. Back to the story. I had my dad drop me off at the door and asked him to meet me back at the door in five minutes. As I walked towards the door, I noticed a foul odor coming from the side of the building. I hesitated, gagging and wondering what the stench could be. Had a hobo defecated there earlier, leaving his corn-filled shit to bake in the sun? Possibly.
I walked inside, only to be greeted by the greeting bell on the door swinging around and smashing me in my face. I rubbed the drop of blood off of my cheek as I walked farther into the store, searching for my treasure. Dr. Bob cola is sually stocked in aisle number three, actually five aisles over. The first two aisles were conveniently marked 'A' and 'B.'
When I reached aisle three, I turned left into the narrow, poorly-organized row of food goods, expecting to see a shelf stocked with cheap soda. Instead, I was greeted by the chest of a large Hispanic man. This was no ordinary large Hispanic man, oh no, this was a VERY large Hispanic man wearing a grease-stained lavender wife-beater and very short running shorts. Not only was this very large Hispanic man dressed like Richard Simmons, but he was extremely angry.
I closed my eyes as he picked me by the front of my shirt with one hand, the other hand reaching behind him.
"UNGREEHFHHHTHTHSHHGBBSHHHH!" was what he said.
Now, I'm not one to back down from a verbal challenge, now matter how unintelligible, and no matter how large the challenger may be. This may be where my downfall is.
"Oh yeah? EERHHGENFUKENBEENRBASTEEERGH! Beat THAT!"
His brow furrowed. I looked at him and did the next thing I could think of. I started furiously swinging to and fro, still in his grasp, until I finally gained enough momentum to knee him in the stomach.
Unfortunately, this did not have the desired effect of him dropping me and falling to the ground, unable to breathe. Instead, he reached forward and grabbed another part of my shirt with his other hand, and lifted me over his head. He roared as he tromped forward, dragging my head along the aisles of soda and knocking each bottle my head bounced off of onto the floor to explode into a giant mess.
At the end of the aisle, he stopped. I didn't. I continued forward, free from his grasp, onto a display of off-brand cheese-its. I laid still, hoping that this gargantuan beast would drop the conflict and leave me to wallow in my pity.
Instead, he walked over towards me, opened a box of cheese-its, and dumped them on me. Then, he did something that I never expected. He leaned over me, muscles trembling, and began picking the snacks up off of my body. With his mouth.
There I lay on a display of cheese-its, Hispanic Richie Simmons towering over me, eating snack crackers off of my chest.
Finally, to my relief, the store manager walked over and tapped the monster on the shoulder.
"Jesus, I'm going to ask you once. Leave my store. Don't come back until you've learned to control yourself."
A minute later, I walked out of the store with two free sodas and a shirt full of slobbery cheese-its.
User Reviews
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-06 20:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THere's a huge crack neighborhood about three quarters of a mile away from my relatively normal neighborhood. It's location didn't make sense until I read this post .....there's a Dollar General on the corner there. Ah HAAAAAA!
Submitted by negative_twoer_of_fetish (user info) at 2004-08-13 10:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by FetishII (user info) at 2004-08-08 07:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hi, my named is StonedSilly. I like to spam old posts.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-07-30 16:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I know about the white trash people. This one is right in the middle of like Little Mexico or some shit.
And those homiez things are fucking PIMP1!11!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-30 02:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(plus i shop there too)
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-30 02:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok i laughed very hard at your comment about lower income level hispanics and blacks. trust me, white trailer park inhabitants shop there too.
have you heard about the 'homiez' toys they have in the gumball style machines? those crack me up, they are liek totally 'hip hop' manz
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-07-30 00:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And I had to colorize the wife-beater in photoshop
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-07-30 00:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uhh, thanks Hair.
The guy was the closest thing to a mexican wearing a lavander wife-beater that I could find.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-07-30 00:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The story was funny, but why is there a picture of a gay Indian at the bottom?
Submitted by Edgar_The_Pirate (user info) at 2004-07-29 23:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Arr! Ye be makin' me larf at yer wimpiness!
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-29 23:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More of my hits come from outside my grandest of all posts than from the post itself. I was on the MVA long before I wrote that post. Get your facts straight.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-07-29 23:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i was interested until the gibberish yelling started
this shouldn't be listed under humor
i'm all for stupid pictures or cam whoring, but the picture here is....pointless?
Submitted by cumguzzler (user info) at 2004-07-29 23:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-07-29 23:07:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh. If that's a made-up story, and I'm pretty sure it is, it's rather weak. And the picture at the end is rather......yeah.
___________________________________________
I lost interest completely before I had read half of it.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-07-29 23:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh. If that's a made-up story, and I'm pretty sure it is, it's rather weak. And the picture at the end is rather......yeah.
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Buuuuuullllshiiiiiiiiiittttttttt.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-29 22:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good story, BUT I CALL SHENANIGANS
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:32:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:23:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2's for life.
You are the single biggest bitch this website has to offer. You're a flip-flop. You contradict yourself. You say you dislike something, then do it again. You are one of the worst this website has to offer.
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Speak for yourself, one post wonder.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-29 22:41:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:32:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:23:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2's for life.
You are the single biggest bitch this website has to offer. You're a flip-flop. You contradict yourself. You say you dislike something, then do it again. You are one of the worst this website has to offer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is there womeone on this website who isn't a bitch? because if there is I'm yet to see them.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that's the most pissed off I've ever seen Tom.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:23:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2's for life.
You are the single biggest bitch this website has to offer. You're a flip-flop. You contradict yourself. You say you dislike something, then do it again. You are one of the worst this website has to offer.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's terrible.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2s for life to counter Fetish.
Submitted by ATTNGHEYMENZ (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN GHEY MEXICANZ!!1!11
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-29 22:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2's for life.