Where are they, 25 Years Later? (891 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.81 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by calbearspolo (View user info) at 2004-07-30 14:43:26 EDT
My friend sent me the list of the most popular male baby names, for some unknown reason. As I looked over the list, I tried to imagine who each person would be in 25 years. This is what I came up with; feel free to add your own description and/or name.
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Jacob: Jacob is a hopeless romantic at heart, or so he claims. Really he is a night manager at a local mega movie-plex, who wears orthopedic black shoes with Dr. Scholls 'odor eater' inserts, while trying to pick up women by offering them free tickets to the upcoming 'Alien VS Predator' opening night. His favorite drink is a white Russian and he orders them two at a time, never tipping and always insisting on a splash of grenadine. Jacob got his ear pierced while in Mexico the summer after 8th grade, but did it in the "wrong" ear and everyone thought he was gay through high school. One time, about a year and a half ago, he found some kids in the janitor's closet trying to get high before a showing of "Half Baked." Jacob joined them, freaked out, and tripped over a mop bucket leaving a scar about his left eye that pulses when he is mad.
Michael: Goes by "Mike" to all his 'friends.' You have never seen one of them, heard him talk on the phone with one, nor has he ever taken a day off from his failing dental practice to hang out with them. He fantasizes about violating women with giant fake boobs in his dental chair, but settles on late night simulated porn on Cinnemax while eating Cheetos and drinking non-alcoholic beer. Michael doesn't smile much because he thinks it makes him look smarter, but really he just looks continually constipated. He drives a Porsche 911, but got it in purple and it depresses him every time someone mentions it.
Joshua: Knows the difference in fabric patterns in most of the name brands of women's fashions. Has had a girlfriend for the last 10 years, but is still a virgin. Religiously watches "Queer Eye" insisting he's not gay, he just likes the designer tips for his apartment. While not a picky eater, Joshua eats everything on his plate totally separately and completely before moving on to the next item. Once tried to suck his own penis but threw out his back in the process and now pops pills to "cope with the pain." He has a brother in the Navy and retells really dirty jokes he learned, often forgetting the punch line.
Matthew: Goes by Matt, always, and constantly makes up nicknames for everyone he works with like "booger" and "scrimshaw." He has a slightly sloping forehead and thick body hair, which he doesn't mind showing off on 'casual Fridays' by wearing his "clubbing" shirt from when he went out the night before. Claims to have been a superior left tackle in high school, but an unfortunate port-o-potty prank left him injured and out for all of his senior season so he couldn't go to a D-1 school. Matt works out a lot, but he only does curls and bench lifting, so his arms are big (and covered with a barbed wire tattoo), but his beer gut hangs out of the bottom of his shirt.
Andrew: Andrew "doesn't get it." He sits in meetings staring blankly at the presentation, hoping for some shred of information to register past his optic nerve. He wears shirts that are to big for him and is always using the extra sleeve material to wipe his glasses clean. Married at too young an age to the first girl he ever slept with, he talks about how smart his kids are, and proudly sports a "proud parent of and honor student" sticker on the back of his Ford Windstar. Andrew works in HR and you have to talk to him every time the secretary calls in sick to get a temp (which is quite often), and he never seems to remember you. You really hate Andrew, but you know that you don't have a good reason.
Joseph: Joseph is Jewish and proudly will tell anyone who will listen. He talks about the "struggle" and how much he loved being the president of his college's Hillel. He has been to Jerusalem seven times, but nowhere else outside his home state. Joseph has tried on several occasions to have a "serious talk" with you about your religious faith, even inviting you to his temple for Passover, but after meeting his mother at the company holiday party (the one who was wasted and trying to dance with all the interns), you've told him, in no uncertain terms, that you "would rather fellate a hot curling iron" than join him. He has really pointy elbows.
Ethan: Ethan tells everybody what a big penis he has, makes blatant sexual comments to coworkers, and relates stories of his sexual prowess over morning coffee. Nobody really likes him, but everybody loves hanging out with him because of the horrifically mean things he'll say to overweight woman as they walk by. Ethan moves the hair out of his eyes by doing that neck-snap maneuver over his right shoulder, although it's hard to understand why because usually it's overly gelled into that "unkempt," spiky look. He uses the word "bro" for everyone. He only drinks Heineken beer from a bottle and whiskey, and always wants to do one more shot. One time, during the company picnic, he managed to start a whole Ultimate Frisbee game just so you could meet Sarah from accounting—and then he had sex in the parking lot with your manager's sister who was visiting from Boston.
Daniel: Daniel is the boss' kid. He is short, loud, and horribly unqualified for the job he has. He bleaches his hair and listens to BTO, at full volume, in his posh corner office. He never picks up the tab at the bar. You hate Daniel.
Christopher: Goes by Chris. The mellow guy who is always "cool" when you asks how he's doing. Chris doesn't bust his ass, but always seems to get his work done. He is the lead guitarist for his band, which plays in a shitty dive bar across town on Wednesday nights. He's the only man who you've ever known who tells funny "clean" jokes. Chris is the guy who invites everyone out to his parent's ranch and cooks up the meanest, best tasting bar-b-que you've ever had. He passes you funny emails with stories from news services about bungled bank robberies and blind mountain climbers. He is one of the few people who wears retro clothing and pulls it off well.
Anthony: Tony D'Clong (say it out loud) is a porn actor. He struggles to find work and often has to clean-up after shoots to make some extra cash. His recent film roles have been minor ones in spoof titles like: "Cum on all Queers," "FatWoman," "I, Cum Shot." He shaves his body, but because he is a hairy Italian, his chest constantly looks like it has 5 o'clock shadow. He secretly cries himself to sleep because during his last big "break," he got food poisoning from the sushi he ate the night before and had severe diarrhea during filming. Right as he was supposed to deliver the money shot line, while slapping the girl's mouth with his penis, he exploded and shit all over himself and the sound guy standing behind him. His '98 Montero was just stolen from behind his house.
User Reviews
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-08-13 13:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:04:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Great! I look forward to seeing someone do girls' names.
By the way, I think I might have asked this earlier, but I'm not sure: do you play water polo by any chance? Your username made me wonder. Just curious.
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Yes, I do play water polo... which is part of where I get my screen name from. Email me for more personal details, as I would rather not post them here.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great! I look forward to seeing someone do girls' names.
By the way, I think I might have asked this earlier, but I'm not sure: do you play water polo by any chance? Your username made me wonder. Just curious.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-07-31 02:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NSFW!!!!
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-07-30 18:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Uptown_Alexa (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:38:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha! Any girl names??
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Read two posts below yours. I think a women doing baby girl names would be much more catty and funny.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:26:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
What about Chester?
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Wasn't in the 10 most popular.
Submitted by DBPH (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Pretty damn close with the Christopher thing. Lead guitarists are assholes though. Bass guitar is where it is at. And yeah, my weekly gig is in a shit hole.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It should have been "Eye, Cum Shot."
Inventive subject. I assume most of this is at least based on truth?
Submitted by Uptown_Alexa (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha! Any girl names??
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:26:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What about Chester?
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by plushpeach (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:03:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey how about the girls names?
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I figured a female could do a much funnier list of the women.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is great
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wally - CEO Of A Technology company and has a girlfriend that's appeared in FHM. Still gets picked on but laughs it off as he climbs into his Escalade with the pimped out rims.
Scott - Once a high school jock, now living hand to mouth to feed the 4 children he had with Chrissy, the head cheerleader, even though 2 of them aren't really his and he'll never know.
Heather - Once had an affair with Scott one night after a pep rally she tried to light on fire from under the bleachers. Now works with mentally challenged children and when people aren't looking she likes to flash Ben, the boy with the IQ half his age, which makes him do the happy dance. Also believes trees talk to eachother.
Stacy - Astro physicist. The giant zit she thought she had on her forehead all those years was actually a benign tumor and now covers half of her left eye. She had a thing for Wally back in the day but Wally was too busy playing with his Abacus to notice.
Jerry - Also had an affair with Scott and now goes by the name Geraldine.
Tommy - Used to be the small skinny kid in school most frequently found in a trash can. After 10 years of taking steroids and studying mixed martial arts he's become an International UFC celebrity. Once went to jail for punching out a police officer and taking his gun. Secretly cries when watching chick flicks. Has a girlfriend but can't remember where he put her.
Submitted by plushpeach (user info) at 2004-07-30 15:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey how about the girls names?
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-07-30 14:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All of my favorite Uber writers just posted within 1 hour of each other. Cool.
Samir Nagheenanajar
How hard is that? Nag Heen Na Na Jar?
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-07-30 14:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best post I've read all day
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-30 14:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Michael: Goes by "Mike" to all his 'friends.' You have never seen one of them, heard him talk on the phone with one, nor has he ever taken a day off from his failing dental practice to hang out with them. He fantasizes about violating women with giant fake boobs in his dental chair, but settles on late night simulated porn on Cinnemax while eating Cheetos and drinking non-alcoholic beer. Michael doesn't smile much because he thinks it makes him look smarter, but really he just looks continually constipated. He drives a Porsche 911, but got it in purple and it depresses him every time someone mentions it.
I don't go by mike, I go by "fatass" I'm not a dentist. I don't take days off from work unless neccessary, however. I do dream about women with giant fake boobs, but not in my dental chair. I don't drink, unless it is non-alcoholic. I do have a beer once in awhile though. I don't smile much, I am also always constipated. I don't drive a porsche, unfortunitly.
Pretty spot on. +2 for the correctness of it all.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-30 14:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-07-30 14:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-30 14:46:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why isn't Sanjay Subramanium on that list
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Hah. I know a guy we call Sanjay. His real name is Piouf or something. Crazy indian mofo. I should recruit some and force them to make me galob jamun.
Hey CBG, what are ya doin' this weekend?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-30 14:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why isn't Sanjay Subramanium on that list