Five tips for bike messengers in the San Francisco Bay area... (696 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.8 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Just_me_and_the_cats (View user info) at 2004-07-30 16:30:47 EDT
Five tips for bike messengers in the San Francisco Bay area...
(1) Get some therapy. Find someone to talk out your personal problems with so you won't have to vent about them when you are in my office. I don't care about Paco "that cholo asswipe who keeps getting all the good calls" or that lazy-eyed bitch who drank your PBR all night and wouldn't "choke down the beast" or the "fuckin' conspiracy of the suits" or the SFPD who keep busting your balls because you've "got no family in the system." Shut the fuck up, drop off the package, and beat it.
(2) Try to follow the rules of the road. Tearing down the sidewalk at 50mph isn't funny. It isn't funnier when you take out an old lady stepping out of a shop with a bag full of groceries, and knock her tits up. Remember that the next old broad you hit could be carrying a solid block of tinned goods. Hit that shit head on and they'll be measuring you for a fitted metal plate. And while running red lights may be a real thrill, don't scream at me if a city bus hits you and shears off your legs. "My livelihood!!!" My ass.
(3) Ease up on the tattoos and piercings. For someone making minimum wage and bitching about it, you sure have a lot of body ink and metal on display. Your once-a-week visits to the free clinic to take care of regularly recurring infections in your nose piercings are using up scant community resources and messing with the attempts of Maria Gonzales and Maria Gonzales and Maria Gonzales (the three illegal babes who clean my house) from getting treatment for their yeast infections and refills on their birth control pills. Also, if you ever fuck up in the eyes of the law, your tattooed hide will guarantee they'll have a damn easy time tracking you down.
(4) Bathe. Please. I know you probably don't have much spare cash, what with the tattoo and piercing expenditures, but for chrissake, you can pick up soap and deodorant real cheap at some of the bigger drugstore chains, and even if you have ten roomies you can probably duck under the shower at least once or twice a week. When I'm signing for a delivery or riding in an elevator with you, I don't want to have to fight back a ball of puke that has just been catapulted out of my stomach because you smell like a souvenir-hoarding serial killer's collection of assholes and armpits.
(5) And finally, grow up and get a real job, you fuck! You've got gray hair hanging down to your ass, you're wearing bifocals, your back is so weak you can't carry anything over 10lbs, and the lowest hills or weakest gusts of wind bring you to an air-sucking purple-faced stop. Put the fucking bike away and accept the fact that the glory days or over, pal.
User Reviews
Submitted by tsu (user info) at 2004-07-30 20:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-07-30 19:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
quite
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-30 19:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-07-30 18:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! Golden
Another west coast warrior!!!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-30 18:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah.
Submitted by User10030 (user info) at 2004-07-30 17:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Critical mass sucks so bad. Death to anyone who rides a bike.