You're Like a Boy, Except You've Got Tits (3508 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 85 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2004-07-31 16:06:02 EDT
Apparently, some of us wear dresses, fawn over babies and can hold a forty minute conversation about the merits of a particular brand of lipstick.
Not me. I spend my working day crawling about under desks, shifting printers about and making jokes so impossibly crude that they fly over the head of anyone who hasn't done time for sexual deviancy.
I may not leave the house without eyeliner and heels on, but I can drink enough neat vodka to kill a small horse, swear like a sailor with Tourettes and stand a reasonable chance of being able to take you in a fight. I can explain the offside rule, own a vast collection of porn and rate people's burps on a one to ten scale.
In short, I'm not much of a girly girl.
I've never seen this as much of an issue, but yesterday something got me thinking. A few of my buddies and I went for a post-work piss-up. Six hours and several thousand units of alcohol later, one of the blokes decided it was time for him to go. This was a good call on his part, as his skin had taken on a yellowish hue and the protestations from his liver were clearly audible. He made his way round the table, bidding everyone farewell with a hearty backslap for the boys and a kiss for the girls. Until he got to me.
"I would give you a kiss Katherine, but I'm scared you'll punch me."
And then he shook my hand.
Other choice phrases from that evening:
"You're a fucking animal."
"Dude, I wouldn't mess with you. You're scary."
"You're like a boy, except you've got tits."
What? Apparently I'm developing a reputation for being some kind of half-crazed manbitch who will lay the smackdown on anyone at a moments notice, regardless of their age, gender or level of mental retardation.
I found this vaguely disturbing and patiently tried to explain why this She-Hulk status was based on a misconception, but I was met only with hushed whimpers. Eventually they stopped cowering in the corner, came back to join me at the table and the conversation turned to the much more comfortable subject of dildos.
Yet I still feel the need to vindicate myself and you, Uber, shall be my unwilling audience.
Top 5 Reasons Why I Am Not The Female Equivalent of Mumrah And Am In Fact A Delightful And Sensitive Young Lady:
1. The end of Watership Down makes me cry
2. I can't throw to save my life
3. I like kittens
4. Eh, I'll come back to this one in a minute
5. Ah fuck it, look, I'm nice, alright? And anyone who says different will get a kick in the fucking chops.
User Reviews
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-08-13 19:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow. You realsie that you look more like that Willow from buffy the Vampire Slayer and Band Camp Hot Geek from American Pie Chick than the chick in the allegedly Willow from buffy the Vampire Slayer and Band Camp Hot Geek from American Pie Chick sex vid right?
Submitted by Nockane (user info) at 2006-07-28 22:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What kind of porn?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-03 22:30:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have an absurdly awesome writing style. I would have given this a +2 even without the Mumm-ra reference.
Though I should point out that your comparison is flawed. Mumm-ra is not a woman prone to physical violence with little to no provocation. He's a mummy who gets big and uses completely ineffective magic.
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-01-25 17:53:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do-able.
Submitted by lizzard (user info) at 2005-01-25 17:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 bazillion
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-25 12:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Mummra
He kicked ass.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:43:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
death jester stole what i was gonna say!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-25 11:31:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like a young Alyson Hannigan.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-10 06:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. I didn't.
I just forgot how awesome you are.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-10 06:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this?
Filthy, you kick arse.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-11-10 05:55:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's OK... you don't have to shave your feet.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-10 05:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you look like girl from that american thing.
was that too vague?
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-11-08 20:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-11-08 20:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marry me.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-11-08 20:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
**2. I can't throw to save my life**
Thats ok, neither can the Yankees.
You're cute. I dated a girl kind of like yourself a while back. She was kind of bad-ass as well.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-08 20:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Watership Down is awesome.
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2004-11-08 20:03:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would rate this +100 because a sexy redhead inserts obscure refrences to one of the coolest 80's era cartoons.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-08 19:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd hit it
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-11-08 19:45:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
teh hottness!
Submitted by Bad Ass Julie at 2004-11-07 15:59:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A lot of guys are scared of me too but it's probably because I threaten to kick everyone's ass.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-07 15:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MUMRAH!!!
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Watership Down
Submitted by SlowBrains (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-10 16:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-10 15:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, to find a girl like you within balloon-ride distance. I fell in love with you the moment I read those first words...
You had me at, "Fuck off." *sobs*
...you had me at "Fuck off."
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha.
We have a phrase for girls like you here in the states.
I don't use it for fear my ass will be kicked.
Girls that hang out w/ guys and don't much care for the company of women are "dickchicks."
Submitted by Ex_Lux_Astrum (user info) at 2004-08-21 23:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh....gitchy gitchy goo....I'd tap ya with da vein-laden meat pipe, if it would help invoke your feminine side..........
Submitted by Smithstudd (user info) at 2004-08-21 23:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get a kick in the fuckin chops...........You rule
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-08-21 22:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Boys with tits are like boys except they've got man boobies.
Submitted by woody (user info) at 2004-08-07 13:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Filthy, oh filthy, what your words do to me. Point five was dynamite.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-08-05 17:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a similar problem.
Submitted by mjt7420 (user info) at 2004-08-05 17:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've noticed that a lot of girls like to say they aren't girlie girls even if they are. I'm not making a judgement and this might just be in my limited experience. I've just noticed it. A friend of mine (female) yesterday told me she didn't do girl things, and hated them. This is a girl who spends atleast 2 days a week looking at bridal magazines, constantly complains about being overweight (which she isn't), talked about marriage 2 weeks into a relationship, and doesn't know what contra is, let alone the code for 30 lives. She's a GIRL. I just don't know why girls try to say they aren't "girlie" when they are.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-05 17:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-05 17:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry.... but... MMMMMUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-08-05 17:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The end of Watership Down made me cry too.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Post with the word tits in the title = almost 1000 hits
Post with the word blowjob in the title = 3000 hits
Post with the word bastards in the title = 600 hits
I think we can safely surmise that blowjob > tits > bastards
See, I'm learning.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehe... can't... stop.. giggling....
Submitted by DaBaddestHic (user info) at 2004-08-03 09:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I barely remember the end of Watership Down...
Submitted by UniBrowZIT (user info) at 2004-08-03 09:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For looking like a cross between Jena Malone and Alyson Hannigan, and for being a cool chick.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-08-03 08:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Be you.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-08-03 08:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Up with guys' girls, who wants to wear pink and flowers anyways?
When Lojo's finished with you, can I put you on my mantlepiece and stroke you from time to time? Pretty please?!
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-08-01 23:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if for no other reason....the hat
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-08-01 13:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-08-01 12:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're like awesome, but you have tits.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-01 09:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we would definitely be friends.
Submitted by beibeiskids <beibeiskids.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-08-01 07:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I kept picturing a fat ogre (like Mimi from the Drew Carey show) until I saw the pic
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-08-01 01:52:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for thundercats
+2 for being cruder than me with 3 concussions at a rugby party
+2 for looking like that red head from American Pie
+5 cause I wanna hump her goddamned brains out.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-08-01 01:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
FilthyRah > MumRah
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-08-01 01:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for anything with a Thundercats reference.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-08-01 00:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sometimes i eat paint chips
but on only chinese holidays
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-08-01 00:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You may be a half-crazed manbitch, but you're funnier than hell, and damn fine looking to boot.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:21:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
That hat kicks serious rump.
====
It does, doesn't it? I'm not sure if it beats Q's Lobby the Lobster hat, but its a serious contender. When I first got it I didn't take it off for six weeks, until my then boyfriend sprung me with a Family Guy style intervention. Apparently trying to sleep next to a naked girl in furry headgear is both strange and offputting.
"I can take it off any time I want.....GET AWAY!!"
Submitted by bean (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tee hee.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That hat kicks serious rump.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was all kinds of good.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See.. me saying 'I love you. I want to crawl around and follow you every day for the rest of my life wearing nothing but a collar and leash' doesn't work anymore because EVERY OTHER BITCH SAYS IT TOO. Albeit more nicely.
So have this instead. You're easily one of the best, the funniest, the most readable people on Uber. You have a mind I envy and a talent most people can never aspire to.
Submitted by krootons (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear to god, you're the twin of someone I know.
And drink like her too, I imagine.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep up the good work and please stay on Uber.
That is all.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-07-31 22:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG, who are you trying to convince?
Us? Or yourself?
Now c'mere and hug Dr. Phil.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-31 20:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:24:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-31 18:28:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
PS: have you read some of my last few posts? They are meaningless without your stamp of approval.
----
Whipped already.
-----------------------------------
Internet whipped? NOOOOOOOO!!
I'm nobody's bitch.......bitch
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:38:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:35:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever consider switching teams? I think I am in love with you.
===
Love is just a pretty word for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Lojo.
But sure, pencil me in for next Thursday. Clear some floor space and stock up on honey.
~*~*~*~*~
You've made me very very happy. I *OCD* Filthy!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:35:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever consider switching teams? I think I am in love with you.
===
Love is just a pretty word for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Lojo.
But sure, pencil me in for next Thursday. Clear some floor space and stock up on honey.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I may not leave the house without eyeliner and heels on, but I can drink enough neat vodka to kill a small horse
---------------------------------------
A Donkey is like a small horse, kinda. If I get you drunk enough, would you like to ride me?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever consider switching teams? I think I am in love with you.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:24:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-31 18:28:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
PS: have you read some of my last few posts? They are meaningless without your stamp of approval.
----
Whipped already.
====
Says the guy who came back to check this post a second time. ;-)
Don't bicker, you can all be my bitches. Now fetch me a fucking sandwich.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-31 18:28:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
PS: have you read some of my last few posts? They are meaningless without your stamp of approval.
----
Whipped already.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hooray for boobies.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-07-31 18:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally thought the red thing was a dildo.
-2 becaus it's not.
+1 for Thundercats reference.
+1 cause the hat rocks.
+2 because I can think of nothing more I want to do than a night full of drunken, sweaty, screaming hot naughtiness with you.
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-07-31 18:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's 'MOE' like it.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-07-31 18:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you rule. Just a friendly reminder.
PS: have you read some of my last few posts? They are meaningless without your stamp of approval.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-07-31 18:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, and you're cute =)
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-07-31 18:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-31 17:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a blue dog eating that lady's head.
Submitted by donnyb (user info) at 2004-07-31 17:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Thundercats kick ass! No you look nothing like Mumrah...liono maybe.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-31 17:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:39:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I see in the background what appears to be an innocent stuffed dog next to what is clearly a red satanic worshipping rod. What are we to think?
===
It's a mechanical bunny that makes yipping noises, a bottle of vodka and then to the far right is a roll of tissue. All the necessary ingredients for a night of solo debauchery, conveniently within reach of my bed.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-07-31 17:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh i so see the resemblence.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find it frightening that I've gotten the exact same comment ("You're like a boy with tits!).
I have very few female friends, most of my friends are guys, and I'm more of a "guy's girl" than a girly girl. Like you, I wear eyeliner, but I also wear the same nasty, three year old platform flip flops every day. And I rarely get dressed (baggy t-shirts and college shorts are the way to go, baby).
My guy friends appreciate this, I suppose. We've gotten mugged at gunpoint together, we've played suicide and mafia all night together, we've mudwrestled together, I've gotten my ass kicked at counterstrike, which I hate, with them. I love my boys.
I also can't throw or catch worth a shit.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:39:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
An anomaly for sure....
I see in the background what appears to be an innocent stuffed dog next to what is clearly a red satanic worshipping rod. What are we to think?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're SICK man, that's the guy from Monsters Inc.
Good post,do you have a pee pee?
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An anomaly for sure....
I see in the background what appears to be an innocent stuffed dog next to what is clearly a red satanic worshipping rod. What are we to think?
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you either way.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-31 16:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
meant to +2 it.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. The end of Watership Down makes me cry
================
Me too... goddamn I'm a pansy.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Love your hat. At the risk of sounding too PC, just be the kind of woman you want to be. There are plenty of men about who appreciate your type. A close friend of mine is a transmission mechanic, pool shark, and bad ass. She has never worn makeup and hasn't worn a dress since 1980. She also has one of the happiest marriages I've ever seen.
F.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-31 16:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i dated a girl like you before.
being quite a strong alpha-male personality allowed her to eventually relax and start learning more about the 'girly' things in life which, to her surprise, she actually enjoyed. but it wasn't until she felt safe or taken care of or some shit like that. i don't know.
fuckit, no idea what i'm getting at.
Submitted by Sofa_Queen (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't to give you anything less than a perfect -2 for fear of my life.
But seriously, you seem nice enough to me. I like to judge people soley by how they look. Smiling white girl = ok.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It may possibly have something to do with the fact -- based on your posts -- that you appear to do everything within your wide range of abilities to keep up with the boys and they feel intimidated by that. Or maybe they are just in awe of it.
Just an observation.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I know the feeling. It's all good.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-31 16:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Bleh.