The "One Cheek Sneak" Gone Bad (3081 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kristen (View user info) at 2004-07-31 19:02:50 EDT
Normally, running five minutes late to church isn't a huge ordeal. You quietly sneak in, slip into a back row, and if it assuages your guilt, you offer a larger tithe than you usually would.
Normally. This year, however, we arrived late on the Fourth of July. Anyone who goes to church on a
semi-regular basis can confirm: There are obvious holidays when a church that averages two hundred
worshipers per Sunday will suddenly need to accommodate triple that number. These include Easter
and Christmas, and oddly enough, it apparently includes our nation's birthday as well. The chapel was packed. The back rows were occupied. The only row that had enough room was the very front row, right in front of where Pastor John preaches. Close enough that he can fix his eyes on you as he describes damnable sin after damnable sin. Close enough that he can see the bead of sweat trickle down your temple as you feel a preview of hell's heat. This is the row that no one ever sits in. This is the row my friend and I had to make our way to, five minutes late, in front of the
abnormally large crowd of people who loved God enough to get there early.
We sat on the metallic folding chairs that make up our church's pews. Yes, my church's seating consists of uneven lines of metallic chairs. We do things classy in Louisiana. Pastor John informed us that we were in for a special treat that 4th. Shrill, wobbly-voice soprano Miss Glenda, would be singing "God Bless America" for the congregation. Lucky us, we were front row and center to absorb most of the shrieking. Miss Glenda settled behind the microphone, adjusted it a few times, tapped on it, exhaled a loud breath into it, adjusted it again, and then the squawking began. Louder and louder she sang, shakily building the song up till she got to the final stanza. Suddenly she stopped. A dramatic pause. I watched as her face turned red from inhaling, greedily saving all her
breath for her grand finale.
I settled back into my folding chair and glanced at my friend, preparing to share a smirk. And here is where things may get muddled. See, there was a deafening emission, and it didn't come from Miss Glenda's voicebox. I'm choosing not to incriminate myself in this anal exhale-after all, we all know ladies don't fart, poop, or burp, right? That would make the obvious criminal my friend, uhhhhh, Bob. That's right, Bob. Bob did it. Bob was sitting there, the only thing covering "his" butt from the cruel, cold metal of the chair being the light wisp of flowery, silky material from the skirt of "his" dress. "He" felt a tiny twinge of discomfort in "his" lower stomach and immediately clenched "his" butt. Then, being the crafty slickster that "he" is, "he" decided to lift one of "his" cheeks and test the water. After all, there was no reason for "his" tummy to be in temporary agony over a little fart. "He" passed a tiny bit of gas. Silent and cool. The temperature is very pertinent information. Any fool knows that the cooler the gas being released, the less odorous the result.
With a sigh of relief, "he" slowly allowed the fart to escape.
Can we all agree that "he" took every known precaution with this toot? Is there any other courtesy procedure that "he" could have applied?
Unfortunately, God decided to get His revenge over our tardiness at the precise moment that Miss Glenda took her dramatic pause. The would-be silent fart trumpeted with a surprising and sudden
"WEEEEEEEEERTPPPPPPPPBBBBBT". The metallic chair magnifoed the noise. It reverberated. Even though Bob immediately rectified the situation by leaning away from "his" friend and glaring, trying to displace the blame, the damage was done. Miss Glenda snorted into the microphone before continuing on with butchering the Irving Berlin classic.
The moral of this story-aw, screw it, I'm "Bob". I did it.
Lord, I'm not Catholic but confession felt great.
User Reviews
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Surely you couldn't have expected me to leave forever so easily?
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-08-07 23:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I WANT your penis!!! err, uhhhh, nevermind...
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-08-07 23:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kristen, may i have wild sex with you please?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-07 01:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit, the return of Franger. Still tossing and turning at night, thinking about my "penis" huh?
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2004-08-06 23:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait so you mean I was always right, you really are a man!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-08-04 04:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wow the entire congregation of Britain is like, 14. Most of them will be dead soon as well.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-04 02:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good call, Don.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm guessing.... Southern baptist?
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-03 16:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Christ this is funny.
And I know you don't usually rate my posts, Kristen, but you and Scott got mentioned here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/33304
I'm such a link whore. I apologise.
Submitted by floridastate311 (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gross
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-08-03 08:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thankyou. You have validated farting once more. I thought it was just me.
(I'm not going to be a goddamn linkwhore.)
GO FARTS WOO!
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-02 03:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No one has ever met me in person, and I have never gone to an Ubercon.. I hope that doesn't mean I'm fake too..
Fake.. or not, who cares really.. in the end it won't make any difference.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-02 03:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For speaking the truth about female flatuence, and killing the myth forever.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-01 20:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man, when i read that bob and the skirt thing i was like woah, because i was at the highland games and everyone was wearingd a skrt like everyone, if you didn't have a kilt on or carry a knife or skean, you looked weird. it was freaky, man i am so wasted.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-01 19:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lord have mercy on your ass
Submitted by Kristen = Kristy Swan <fakegirl.at.bullshit.org> at 2004-08-01 14:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Did anyone notice that Kristen never goes to any of the Ubercons and no one has ever met her in person? She is not for real, she is a fucking guy pretending to be a girl. Kristy Swan part 2 and you all fell for it.
Submitted by dategrape (user info) at 2004-08-01 08:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-08-01 07:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha you tooted in church. and everyone heard it that is priceless. did you see the Black Ninja returned and you were in it?
-Black Ninja
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-01 04:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bob immediately rectified the situation"
hehehehehehehe
"Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:31:53 (#)
Ranking: 2"
hahahahahahahaha
Ohh man...these vague references are killing me. Everything's funny at 4:30.
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-08-01 03:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a friend named Bob.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-08-01 00:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no brother! It was me! I ate the sheep dung!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-01 00:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was a different Bob.
He who farts in church sits in own pew.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
... did i just type that?
WOW
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
szoooooooooooo drunkoh mazn im me im wasted its funny
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit its kristen.
where the fuck have you been missy?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:22:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lets fuck
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dude in a heartbeat. i'm all shitfaced, iming HIM. definitely call me later and wake me up from my coma.
zoolander rules.
eat some peach cobbler for me.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I stopped caring about ratings about...wait, when did I *ever* care about them?
I can call you later tonight, I'm about to spend some QT with my brooding roommate-wanna come watch Zoolander with us?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-31 23:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY GOOD GOD DID I RUIN YOUR PERFECT SCORE?!?
I AM SO SORRY.
GODDAMNIT.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-31 22:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-07-31 22:50:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
...Val, I'm so sorry, I didn't get this till now, I had to go out to dinner. Are you still drunk? Is your beer made by Amy's Kitchen? Hmmmmmm?
-07-31 21:24:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Val - she farts ponies??? Jesus, that must be painful!!!
-------------
Dear god Im sorry I deleted whoever made the above response. AND YES. we fart ponies. AND YES. it is painful. Almost as painful as giving birth. Our asshole are constantly in a bind. Why do you think we never want anal? It's all about solving the mysteries.
And kristen- NO my beer WAS NOT MADE BY AMY HERSELF
However the veggie/tofu lasagne I had for dinner WAS and it was ORGASMIC.
WHY am i using CAPS so goddamned MUCH?
And Kristen go on AIM now or call me Im having a midlife crisis.
Actually Im just drunk and want to m ake a fool out of meself. Call now!!! Ill give you a free psychic reading, i swear. or oral. get in touch biatch!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-07-31 22:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't go to Übercon Boston, creep_firebombing. Thank you for asking, but I have to work. But man, when is someone gonna have one down here? All you Yankees need to come to me.
I've missed you too, Scott! And for that matter, I've missed Phinch. :-)
Val, I'm so sorry, I didn't get this till now, I had to go out to dinner. Are you still drunk? Is your beer made by Amy's Kitchen? Hmmmmmm?
Sorry I reminded you of your girlfriend, wardy.
I won't tell 'em that we drink beer and curse at ballgames on T.V., lojo. Some things are sacred...ooops.
I'm glad my talking ass is fodder for all y'all. :-P
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-07-31 22:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-31 21:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Val - she farts ponies??? Jesus, that must be painful!!!
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-07-31 21:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gives a whole new meaning to "pew"
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-07-31 20:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pewpy peuty paynts.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-07-31 20:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate it when women fart... whenever my girlfriend farts it pisses the hell out of me. goddamn you for once again reminding me of your gender's fallacy.
but good fucking story.
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-07-31 20:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely great.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don't tell the boys we fart! EEEWwwwww!! :oP
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good god.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fetish- she farts babies and sunshine. And candy and rainbows. And roses and ponies.
Kristen- go on AIM.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All this time I didn't think you could fart.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woooohoooooooo!!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've missed you.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fartlicious.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:17:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CALL ME IM DRUNK AND STUFF
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And now, the dreaded linkwhorius maximus.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/38885
Let's watch.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU CAN'T BE BOOOOBBB!!
NOOOOOOOOOOO.
Hem.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm... I wonder if Kristen could still make it to Ubercon: Boston this friday.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post "magnifoed" my day.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am Catholic. I need you to say 1 Our Father and come to my house. I think you would rule at a party.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-07-31 19:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, dang. I screwed the formating up.