Masturbating like a Pro: Tips from a seasoned veteran (sort of NSFW) (3893 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.91 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by wardy (View user info) at 2004-08-03 10:30:04 EDT
As a seasoned phallic flapper, I find myself to be somewhat efficient during my self-pleasuring experience. Like a rookie chicken choker turning on late night HBO to find themselves staring at a partial shot of what appears to be a hairy vagina, you should be excited. I'm about to teach you a few things. For a long while I was ashamed of my over-indulgences and practices, but as I come to a close on my young life, I realize it is time to pass the torch on my enlightenment before these cherished secrets are lost.
Now, like any good wackin' champion', I find myself to have a well kept and orderly system. I know when to wack it and when to sack it. Here are a few guidelines to keep in mind when determining the appropriate opportunities for ceremonial pole flogging:
1) No one is ever asleep. If you share a room, have a roommate or even the dog (if that creeps you out), they are all not asleep and are disgusted at the constant whapping of your pecker.
I had a roommate in college that would always go to bed a few hours later than me. However, lo and behold, the bastard would get the bunk above me shaking around 2:30-3:00 every morning, much to my dismay.
2) Dad running errands. Any man knows when a man runs an errand, he fucking runs. He knows exactly what he needs and where it is. He'll be back before you can drop your pants and say "Who wants my mangdom!" You'll get caught and it'll be as uncomfortable as a play date with Stevie Wonder to a movie theater.
3) Christmas and Easter. Listen, I don't care if you're not a Christian. That's just fucking creepy.
Now that we've covered a few basic times not to crank the mill, let's get into a few of the more well known topics: the porno kit.
At some point in every young man's life, they will experience two things: Beer and Porno; sometimes even at the same time. It becomes important to understand the basic fundamentals when acquiring this pornographic material, and then how to use it properly.
The best idea is to have a good hidden place where you can keep all tangible porn. Preferably keep it in hidden yet somewhat neutral environment. This way, if it is ever found, you can claim ignorance to the subject of porn, especially your animal porn. By tangible porn I mean videos, magazines, and dirty pictures you took at your best friend's sleepover. Yeah, you know the ones of his sister's underwear drawer... wait what? You sick fuck.
Also keep in here some lube. But under no circumstances keep hand soap. I'll let you find out the hard way, like the rest of us did.
Now, when your porno kit is completed, it becomes imperative to learn how to jerk to it properly to achieve ultimate orgasm.
"But... uh... Wardy... I think we understand the logistics of polishing our cannon", you say.
"It's dusting your pencil at your age, son. And no you fucking don't."
The best idea is to keep your porn fresh, which is exactly why the porn stores are so huge. You thought it was because there are so many fetishes? Ha, you wish. Vag is vag unless it is dressed beneath the belly button of Pamela fucking Anderson, in which case it is the holy grail of vag. You don't deserve to touch it.
You might think keeping your porn fresh is expensive and not see the point, but I'll explain exactly why. After flowing through a solid 90 minute flick, you will probably have ejaculated roughly 8.5 times. And here's why:
Everyone knows that while stroking to porno, one waits for the exact timing of where they see the exact maneuver that they can get off to at that given time. The half point is when of course you have ejaculate only to find yourself staring at two cocks being stroked simultaneously. Don't worry, you should feel dirty and question yourself, but not for more than twenty minutes.
Once the porno has been viewed one full time, it is as good as the thirteenth re-run of a Simpsons Halloween episode, it is old news. You see, the beauty of sex is its spontaneity, you never know when it's coming or what's coming. If you have the entire porno mapped out exactly, you're in for a boring ride*.
*This is also why your girlfriend left you.
"But Wardy, porno flicks run for $35! I can't possibly afford that working part-time at the Red Lobster"
*Pimp Slap!* Alright smart ass, pay attention. With the advent of the internet, we now have the capability to amass enough porn to stifle even the largest appetites. Paul Rueubens has even been subdued since the boom of internet porn about five years ago.
Now, when you gleam your beam to internet porn a few good sites should be bookmarked or at least committed to memory. Remember them like they were your phone number... wait... no... like they were the number of toes you have on your fucking feet:
www.free6.com
www.bannerfree.com
These two sites alone can satisfy even the most gluttonous of monkey clappers. But beware. The keys to internet porno also lie within the ambidextrousness of your hairy palms. Being able to work the mouse with the left and rod with the right is an important and useful skill to master.
Keep in mind useful hot keys such as "BACKSPACE" which automatically returns one to the previous page. "ALT+TAB" allows you to cycle through functions, in the event you have multiple browsers ready*.
*Note: this is for experienced penguin thwappers only, and could cause aneurisms and brain hemorrhaging if too much porn is revealed at once.
Now we have arrived to clean-up. The best clean-up I find is to have some Kleenex handy, and as orgasm is achieved, simply allow it to disperse directly into the Kleenex. This reduces overall clean-up time greatly, and keeps one from feeling dirty when they touch their own seminal juices.
At this point you should feel fairly confident in your cock mongering exercises. Some great times to masturbate are days you're home from school because you've faked being sick. And don't worry, that pain you get from jerking it five times during the day is normal.
It'll go away.
User Reviews
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-08 09:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to know in case one day I wake up with a penis.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-03-08 09:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
boffo
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-08 08:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i eat my own underwear.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-05-12 02:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You plagirized this from my mind.
I don't know how, but you did.
Who am I kidding, it's in everyone's mind. Good stuff.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2005-05-12 02:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:17:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just wear a vibrating cock ring everywhere I go. If anyone questions me, I just tell them it's a new advanced genital cell phone.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
pretty good. I would have preferred more on the actual mechanics of achieving the ultimate orgasm.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-12 20:27:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow. come and give negative ratings to some more of my old posts. real cool dude. i hope you enjoy your life in the basement.
oh, i think you'll need to give it about 30 more in order to drop it below 0... i dare you to try.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-12-12 19:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen better- professor f-unbelievably broad forehead-ckface's, to be exact.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-12-12 03:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm learning about the depths...or in this casae, lengths, men will go to every day.....
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-12-11 19:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Insightful.
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-05 07:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the pic of PeeWee Herman.
He's such a dodgy fuck.
And good post too.
-Spookster
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just make a fifi.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or......you can do it with razor blades!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40394
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wicked pissah.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I turned pro back in '78...Surprised I haven't seen you out on the circuit.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:10:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
You wouldn't believe how long I tried to follow all your advice before I remembered that I'm a girl. It was just THAT good.
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I just had a mental image of a girl getting everything ready - porn, lube, tissues etc, reaching down the pants and grabbing nothing but a handful of air.
Submitted by Provenelk <provenelk.at.msn.com> at 2004-08-03 11:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha... thanks burn.
Circe - i'm glad these tips seem to be somewhat universal, i do what i can.
Submitted by marsbar (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dude i only managed 3 yesterday in between sleeping and picking my ass... and i whacked off this morning and it burned like hell. WTF. it could have something to do with my not whackin off that much each day now my bitch does it for me
Submitted by Random <joe.at.schmoe.com> at 2004-08-03 11:17:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who had to learn about the hard way from hand soap.
And it just creeped up on me, I was fine for the longest time, then it just happened.
Scraping it off on a cold rainy night in a tent.
Very nice work.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You wouldn't believe how long I tried to follow all your advice before I remembered that I'm a girl. It was just THAT good.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm 14, like I need tips.." - Ricky Gervais Live.
Thats what sprung to mind at first, but this was an awesome read, much like a lot of your other stuff.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good... and eerily correct.
What? No it was a guess!
.......
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha... no... i was worried that with the porn links somebody might get in trouble, if their company had some sort of "sniffer" program sorting through what they searched on the web. i figured i'd rather be safe than sorry.
dategrape, this is now the third straight post of mine that you've given a -2 to. what did i do to you?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah, why is it not safe for work? Does it have anything to do with that giant peewee down there?
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dategrape (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:45:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
meh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Above, ladies and gentlemen, is an example of the essence of the word "Assclown"
Kill yourself dategrape, this post was money.
Espo
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I though this was gonna disappoint, but I was wrong.
This was Classic.
I humbly request this on B@W.
Let's go Bart, you know you want to...
Espo
Submitted by lrw (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An attractive guy beating off is hot....masturbation is fun.
Submitted by dategrape (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
meh
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't usually do this, but +2 just for this:
"As a seasoned phallic flapper..."
What a great opening.
Now let me go back and read the rest of this...
Espo
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by UniBrowZIT (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha.. it's supposed to hurt after jerking 5 times? I've gotten around 10 in one day without any irritation..
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find no fault with your guide, either.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pee pee herman!
Submitted by PyroBeast (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha!