How to Make a Fifi (PG-13) (21871 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.97 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (View user info) at 2004-08-03 11:34:09 EDT
WARNING: If you have no sense of humor, are easily offended, are a prude, or have no appreciation for prison culture, hit the back button on your browser now. Thanks for the hit on my post and have a nice day. For the rest of you...
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I added a new word to my vocabulary today: fifi. This morning, after I got into work, I went for my first coffee of the morning. As I walked into the break room, I unknowingly walked into the funniest conversation that I had probably ever heard. One of our receptionists was talking to a contractor that was working on our air conditioning about prison. I don't know how they got onto that topic, but it was pretty amusing. The part of the conversation that I caught went something like this:
Receptionist: Don't you miss your wife or girlfriend when you're locked away?
Contractor: *heavy Hispanic accent* Yeah. But there are things you can do to make it easier on yourself.
R: Like what?
C: You can make yourself a fifi.
R: What's a fifi?
C: It's a sock thing that you get off with.
I was walking out of the room at that point, and I stopped dead in my tracks because I wasn't sure that I heard him right. He started going into detail. I walked away laughing so hard and so long that my torso hurt.
I had to know more. This was too funny for me to ignore. Having never been in prison, and being not a desperate spanker, I knew nothing but the name and that it's something like a pocket-pussy made with a sock. So I fired up Netscape and got to google-ing. Here's what I learned:
How to make a fifi:
1)You will need: a rubber medical glove, a towel, a sock, some lube, and a lot of imagination.
2)Soak the towel in hot water (for sensation) and wring out the excess water so that the towel isn't dripping.
3)Lay the towel out flat.
4)Place the glove onto the bottom left corner of the towel so that a little of the wrist hole of the glove is hanging over the bottom of the towel. Fold the tail of the towel over.
5)Roll the glove up in the towel.
6)Put the rolled up towel into the sock.
7)Fold the wrist of the glove over the towel.
8)Lube up the glove.
9)Fuck the glove.
10)Rinse.
11)Repeat.
There are also variations that include putting raw meat or pie filling into the glove.
I have never made, used, or even seen a fifi, but now if I go to one of our nations fine penal establishments, I am more prepared. I also learned that it's bad prison etiquette to borrow your cellmate's fifi without asking.
So now you know...
...and knowing is half the battle.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-02 07:30:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should see what FEMALE inmates get up to with an old kettle, three clothespegs and a copy of the Qu'ran.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-07-29 09:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2007-07-09 18:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Penal establishment? Is that some double entendre?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-09 18:18:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeeesh.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-18 18:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-08-25 22:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The lord laughs.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-13 08:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would SO fuck one of those.
Submitted by Shifty (user info) at 2005-08-13 07:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's great
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-08-13 07:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"or have no appreciation for prison culture"
lmfao
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-13 07:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ACKNOWLEDGE ME
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-12 07:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun Rad Fact #100923:
A common place prisoners like to hide their fifi's during cell searches are in their folded socks. A corrections officer who has 24 cells to get to in 4 hours usually will rush through the search, missing stuff hidden in clothing, as long as the clothing is not rigid.
What I do when I throw a cell is shake out the garment, be it a sock, shirt, or underwear, and hold it up to the cell light. The backlight will illuminate any hidden object in the clothing.
And if the inmate does not have a fifi, the backlight will usually illuminate other stains and such as well. If you know what I mean.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-11 15:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA, poor Carlos got caught with his. http://www.ubersite.com/m/73000
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-05-20 14:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta be a french invention.
Submitted by benjamindover (user info) at 2005-02-04 16:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could have used that when i was in prison,
read about my first day in prison: http://www.ubersite.com/m/57882
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-01-04 22:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to know what the female equivalent is. Any girl jail birds out there?
Submitted by lollytolly69 (user info) at 2004-08-26 11:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
fifis r mad..sometimes tha women juz dnt do it
Submitted by Pooz (user info) at 2004-08-23 20:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-13 00:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty fucking funny....I thought I had invented that...except mine was called a 'Foot on my Loon'!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-12 20:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:34:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to hell for this.
************
On the contrary, one shall go to hell for this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41480
Submitted by Socky (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am shocked by this display of cruelty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there was a kid i knew growing up and his last name was fedaile. or something. we called him fifi.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm making myself a fifi as we speak.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-10 16:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How the fuck did I miss this?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-08-10 08:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
or get yourself a 'bitch'
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-10 08:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahahaha! "Fifi"! Ahahahahahaha!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-03 16:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Warped
Submitted by TheTaoOfNoe (user info) at 2004-08-03 15:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ROFL!!! That's just awesome.
Men are really hilarious.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I named my fifi Oprah.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Messed up.... But hilarious, nonetheless.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A little known fact is that the fifi was invented by MacGyver, during a brief prison stint sometime before getting his own show manufacturing bombs from potatoes and toothpicks.
Thanks Bob. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find a rubber glove. There's got to be one somewhere in this office...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dammit... should've included a fifi in my masturbation post today... goddamit.
good shit, BB
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I wish I had a penis
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
silly prisoners and their clever contraptions...
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually warm up a banana in the microwave, peel, and fuck it. Then I feed it to my dog.
Wait, what?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA! I bet he said it all calm like too. For some reason I keep picturing here as Nina from Office Space.
Corporate accounts payable this is Nina speaking just a moment...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She is an avid churchgoer. She had one of those Oh-my-god-what-the-hell-is-going-on looks on her face. That's what was so funny about it.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was she appalled? Your receptionist sounds like a whore...like she was trying to "help him out."
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good god, that is HIlarious!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She didn't know, and he went into detail what it was.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And no borrowing mine, either.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So did she know what a fifi was or did he have to explain it to her too?
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I NEVER thought i'd hear fifis mentioned in everyday conversation, ever.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take it easy dude, the rating prolly hadn't refreshed by the time I rated.
That's one was for you. This is for me.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:45:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
disgusting
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever....
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:36:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like Fetish lost his ratings again...
B@W
---
Do the math... One of my +2's is counting...
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHA...fifi.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaaha!
Submitted by dategrape (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I have never been so offended in my life.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did not!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like Fetish lost his ratings again...
B@W
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus MotherFuckin' Two!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-03 11:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to hell for this.