I Saw 'Red Dawn' The Other Night (1361 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 0.33 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ingsoc (View user info) at 2004-08-03 12:01:07 EDT
I was bored a couple nights ago so I decided to watch the History Channel. I was lucky enough to catch the beginning of the 1984 Cold War sleeping pill Red Dawn.
This movie is more boring than a thousand Bibles. For such an intriguing concept (sneaky fuckin' Russians parachuting into Bumfuck, Arizona to take over the good ol' US of A) this almost physically put me to sleep. To say that this film was a little slow is like saying Adolf Hitler was sort of antisemitic. It takes the greatest idea in the history of cinema and manages to destroy it before your eyes. I don't know how it manages to do that, but it does. It's rather irritating.
First, we're treated to a montage of text explaining the current global scenario (that is, America alone against the Big, Bad World in the fight for freedom, democracy and individually wrapped pickles). Something about West Germany, wheat harvests and the disbandment of NATO. I tried to pay attention but the blinding speed of the text is what got me.
The first scene takes place in a high school in Nowhere (see: the middle of) when Russian paratroopers are comin' in to take over. They pick a pretty queer place to start- this place doesn't even have a fuckin' airport (a strategic imperative). A teacher goes out to investigate and is shot by the Russkies. They continue to shoot up the high school, and even pull out a rocket launcher to blow up a door which has no discernable function whatsoever. They'e pretty particular about who they shoot, as they appear to ignore the main characters completely. To Vladimir and the gang, the band of high school kids who will ultimately beat them back are chopped liver from a military standpoint.
They drive to a gas station owned by one of the main character's dads, and grab dried and canned goods... and a football. If I was going to be fighting for my life against stinking Communists, the last thing I'd be concerned about is how much football practice I can fit into my stay at the gulag. The kids hide out in the woods and go back to town (now Communist) about a month later. They find out that a lot of people have been taken to some kind of guarded death camp, and are inspired to travel on foot to this guarded death camp.
The camp is just a big screen touting anti-American Soviet propaganda with a fence around it where all the average patriots are left to rot, shouting "No, no, make it stop!" Brilliant. Somehow the kids are able to get right up to the fence (which is chain-link I might add, and not really that high- perfectly climable if not for that damn razor wire) without intervention, and talk freely with their dads. Some low-rate dialogue is exchanged and the kids walk off. The father screams "AVENGE ME! AVENGE ME!" until he is escorted by Concert Security away from the budget fence.
I stopped watching around this point, appalled by many things, notably the idea that Russians could take over part of the United States and not encounter any interference. That, and the fact that this movie runs for 114 minutes and puts perhaps two of them to good use. In reality, no, this would not happen. America can defend its soil against a ground attack. If this really happened, the armed forces would have the Soviets back home cooking borscht within the first week.
Whenever I think of that movie I get angry. Angry and tired.
Oh, and I tried the obligatory BTiLC rating system on this train wreck; 0.5/10. The 0.5 comes from Area 4 (The Rest Of It) because it was sort of a neat idea. If only it was based around US-Soviet combat and had at least one exchange of nuclear arms. Really, that score is out of pity and the fact that the Cold War was a great time to be paranoid. I don't think this movie even has any Chinamen. I'm sorry, I mean Chinapersons.
Good times.
User Reviews
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-08 19:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you missed the boat on all of this movie, go back and watch it again.
First, it is one of THE finest pieces of late Cold War propaganda ever made - if you are under 25 years of age, forget it, you can't possibly understand this concept.
The film DOES mention China, and how they are fighting on our side, and how they lost 300 million people - but you quit watching before that part.
I could keep going on, but I won't, since you're not capable of offering an intelligent viewpoint about East/West tensions of 20 years ago, so I will leave you with
SFTU n00b!
*exeunt*
Submitted by 4914 (user info) at 2004-08-12 13:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you raise some good points but your overall concept is kinda gay.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-08-09 01:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
red dawn suck so much that it was prolly the best movie i had never seen
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-08-03 21:30:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah. This movie supposedly "influenced" McVeigh in his bombing...somehow.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-08-03 21:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes. This film does indeed include Patrick Swayze.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-08-03 17:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is this the one with Patrick Swayze...?
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe I should have watched more than the first half-hour.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (My fucking ass.)
That movie takes place in Michigan... like I would care if they were invaded. Psssh!! I'll help fund the invasion.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Christ this is fucking funny.
Man I used to love Red Dawn back in the day, but you know what? I was just thinking about the initial invasion, and the part where the Russians use the rocket launcher against that door, and you're absolutely fucking dead on. What the hell did they do that for?
Hilarious.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Russians fucking ROCK!
Their army LITERALLY has whores. They are willing to trade almost anything for american shit. They fucking LOVE to get us smashed on Vodak. They absolutly LOVE american women, and I know I'm a big fan of russian women. They are some funny runny bastards.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Like a lot of you I was born under Reagan, but I was too young to know it. As a result, the majority of my early (remembered) experiences were in the 90s. It's only now that I really hate the Russians.
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love that movie
It came out in the peak of the Cold War. We all KNEW that at any time we could be living "The Day After"
We didn't know all of the technology that the USSR had, so them getting infantry into the country didn't seem quite as far fetched as it does now.
Out of curiosity how old are you? Did you grow up in the post-Cold War era?
By todays war movie standards, yeah it's kinda cheesy, but that is a nostalgic movie to me and I will always love it.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Red Dawn is a great movie.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to love that movie when I was little, I used to play Red Dawn with my cousins. I am jealous that you saw it :-(
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:13:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck that. I have a whole QA department who's sole task is assuring the quality of every post that appears under my user number.
Well, it might be time for mass layoffs and terminations, Johnny.
Your body of work stinks on ice.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Next time, throw in "Animal House" instead and spare us this crapola.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess they've been on vacation since January.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck that. I have a whole QA department who's sole task is assuring the quality of every post that appears under my user number.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's a russian BMP-7 in the background, if your interested in knowing.
Red Dawn rox the socks.
And for someone who does nothing but retaliate, fetish often acts like he doesn't....
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny.
Advice: ignore fetish.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:07:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry Fetish but I don't read your posts. The overall low quality doesn't do much in way of mental stimulation for me.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Red Dawn kicks ass. What the hell are you talking about?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-03 12:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One day early bud.
Here's my post, if you'd like to retaliate: http://www.ubersite.com/m/40487