Tom Gets a Haircut (5039 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.98 on 77 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-08-03 13:42:31 EDT
Tom, Nick, and I used to get our haircuts at a little hole in the wall on the main strip adjacent to campus. You had to walk down a rickety ass flight of stairs from street level to enter the place, too. It was underground, right under a pawn shop. We always got simple cuts, though, and they only charged $5. It was a sweet deal for college students living on Goddamned Ramen noodles and EZ-Mac. We had to look good for the kitty cats, you dig?
The barbers in there were old as hell, and the ringleader was also the owner; a guy named "Shakes". I swear to God, that was his nickname. And the guy had them bad, too. Whether it was alcoholism, palsy, or some other malfunction I couldn't say, but Shakes was always your last choice to be the guy to cut your hair, on account of his twitching. You never knew what you were going to get with Shakes. You could end up with a decent cut, or you could end up with a blood-spattered horror show on your head. Once he got those scissors in his hands, it was up to the Fates to decide what quality of trim you'd end up with. But since we were daring types, and nobody could talk us out of supporting the local economy (fuck Super Cuts), we would take our chances on a monthly basis.
It may not have come through in my writings about Tom up to this point, but I feel I should explain that he was a bit of a redneck. He drove an old Chevy Blazer (with a rednecky lift kit), spoke in an incredible southern accent, and he even drank Pabst Blue Ribbon with salt. For those of you not in the know, it's an old southern trick to dunk the top of your PBR can in margarita salt to enhance the flavor. Or, as I like to call it, overpowering the taste of mule sweat with large grained sodium chloride. It's actually quite a tasty little combo, and I have been known on occasion to drink it, when in the mood.
One Saturday morning after about 7 or 8 PBRs each, we made our minds up to walk down to get our hair cut. Tom decided he wanted to bring his beer with him. I objected, and that was a mistake. In my buzzed state, I inadvertently sassed him:
Me: "You can't walk around town with an open beer can, loopy."
Tom: "DON'T CALL ME LOOPY I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!!"
Nick: "Whoa there fella. Why don't you put it in a coozy, and put some more salt on the lid to hide it?"
So Tom did just that. He slid the can into a little beige colored foam coozy and piled a bunch of salt on top. That thing looked like a fucking snow cone when he got done with it. Personally, I didn't think he was going to fool anyone with the disguise, but I wasn't about to say anything. We left the apartment and started walking.
When we got to the barber shop, we lucked out, in that there were no other patrons in the place. I walked in first, then Nick, then Tom straggling along, drunkenly swerving down the stairs. I walked straight past Shakes and into the chair of one of the other two barbers there. Nick wisely chose the only other non-spastic in the room, leaving Tom, of course, with no alternative to getting his hair cut from our man Shakes.
Perhaps not surprisingly, in his state Tom was quite unperturbed about the whole thing and happily sat down in the chair and let Shakes put the bib on him and get started. Shakes quickly saw the can in Tom's hand and said to him:
Shakes: "Hey whatchoo got there boy, a Rockingham Margarita? Mind if I join ya?"
And Shakes, swear to God, pulled out a flask from his station and took a swig. So there they were, Shakes and Tom, drinking it up, having a grand old time, with Nick and I sitting there watching them both, fascinated by the bizarre interaction. Shakes would make a cut, take a drink. Tom would get a cut, take a drink. Pretty soon, the job was done, and amazingly, it looked completely normal. No weird patterns or bald spots, no blood anywhere. Just a decent looking cut. All that was left to do was the follow up trim. Shakes took out his clippers, plugged them in, and turned them on.
Shakes: "Hey boy, how 'bout you hold yer ear down for me?"
And Tom did. Shakes trimmed the hair above the ear with no problem. Then he touched up the back of Tom's neck and got ready to do the other ear. Tom held it down, Shakes started in, and then Nick and I heard the most God awful sound:
Clippers: "ZZZZUUURRRRRRRNNNNT!"
Tom: "GAAAAARRRRGGH!!" Blood started trickling down his ear.
Shakes ignored the screaming, bleeding man and went on as happily as before, clearly intoxicated. Unfortunately, Tom wouldn't sit still, and flinched like a total fucking spazz. Shakes butchered the side of Tom's head like it was going out of style.
Clippers: "ZZZUURRRT!! BZZZ!! GUUUUURRRNK!!"
Tom: "OW OW FUCK JESUS CHRIST GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU DRUNK MOTHERFUCKER!!"
Shakes stopped what he was doing to inspect his handiwork, and was none too pleased. There was no way to fix the fuck up that was Tom's hair. Clearly, Tom didn't know where else to turn, and thank the Lord he didn't look at me or Nick. He just blurted out:
Tom: "JUST CUT IT OFF CUT IT ALL OFF GODDAMNIT YOU CAN'T FUCK THAT UP CAN YOU!?!"
So Shakes did just that. Buzzed the head all the way down to the skin, clean. When he was done, Tom looked a giant dildo with ears. Then Shakes did something that I will remember for the rest of my life. He took some of that smelly barbershop aftershave stuff, splashed a bit into his hands, and slapped his hands onto Tom's ravaged melon.
Tom: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH IT BURNS OH MY CHRIST IT BURNS!!"
And Tom ran screaming out of the place, his gruesome cranium disappearing up the stairs in a flash. Nick and I stayed behind, pissing ourselves. When we got back to the apartment Tom was sprawled out on the couch, holding a fresh PBR with salt, his bald head gleaming in the path of the sunlight spilling through the open window.
Beware of Shakes, people.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-16 13:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-16 13:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y HALO THAR AVERAGE_DAN
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-05-16 12:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mwahaha
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-10-29 02:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-10-29 01:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber doesn't get these stories anymore.
***
true words and almost a good "turd free" find
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-10-29 01:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber doesn't get these stories anymore.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-18 01:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this fucking killed me
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-05-16 00:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2006-05-07 01:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best ever
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-17 17:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-29 07:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mebbe i should start reading your crap
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-07-04 01:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck me, I was crying while I read that
Submitted by kixx (user info) at 2005-02-11 22:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a friend named shakes. Memories just rolled in.
Submitted by Arsenal (user info) at 2004-09-20 20:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just curious. I thought you were older. I don't think EZ-Mac has been around that long.
Who cares, the story still kicks ass.
Submitted by phredde2 (user info) at 2004-09-01 22:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-07 13:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo, I swear to Christ I'm crying with laughter here.
Funniest stuff I have read in a long time.
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-08-06 21:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Class Act, I Liked it...can't say much for the cock licker that -2'd it
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-06 21:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there's our random asshole..
Submitted by tomato-soup (user info) at 2004-08-06 21:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i still dont get the shakes part
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-08-06 21:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-08-05 20:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The absolute Motherfucking Funniest thing i have ever read. Oh man.... I'm in tears...
that was awesome.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-08-05 18:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please tell me there's a follow-up with someone making the mistake of ridiculing Tom for his botched haircut. Someone always ruins the perfect 2 on these Tom stories, but here you go anyway. + fucking 2.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:13:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by chgable (user info) at 2004-08-05 07:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, as always.
I'd sure like to know about Tom and the ladies (Wendigo and others).
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everytime this comes up I think it's about that other polesmokin' Tom.
Submitted by Gish (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-08-04 02:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 +2 +2 +2
You rock the hizzie.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That reminds me I need to go get a haircut. It would seem that this morning i am the one with the shakes though. Well not really just a fucking migraine and that is spinning me out.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-03 20:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo's weekly romp to the top of the best EVAR list. It's about time you made MVA. Now all I need is a 60,000 hit post and I'll make MVA too.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-03 20:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ravaged melon...hahahahaha
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-08-03 20:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Same here, must read everything now...
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-03 19:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is my first Tom story!
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-08-03 19:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed to the point co-workers came to check it out. VERY funny.
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-08-03 19:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Class.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-03 19:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:23:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom stories are one of the few reasons i still check this site.
***
Trouble in Uber-paradise?
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-08-03 18:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Work is the scourge of the drinking classes." - Oscar Wilde
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-03 18:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like Nothing Ever Happened.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-08-03 18:05:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i am drunk as well, so plus fucking 2
Submitted by amy8moo (user info) at 2004-08-03 17:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-03 16:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-08-03 16:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well deserving perfect score, not the best "Tom" story but very damn funny.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-03 16:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is my favorite.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-03 16:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-03 16:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-03 16:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Whiteboy (user info) at 2004-08-03 15:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo, son. Tom is a G-D-M-F-S-O-B. I'd kick it with him, though, just for the free comedy. Thanks for another story.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-08-03 15:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these stories. Pity he didn't shriek like a berzerker this time.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-08-03 15:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking funny shit.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-03 15:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What comicbookguy said.
What?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-03 15:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(fuck Super Cuts)
Fuck Super Cuts Indeed!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-03 14:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe... At the place I go there only works hot girls that press their boobies against my head... guess I'm just lucky...
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your Tom stories are definitely one of the best series on this site.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What can I say that no one else has said?
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom stories are one of the few reasons i still check this site.
Submitted by cacodemon (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah...
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At the place I go to me and my brother would always try to avoid the gay guy. Oh man he was god awful. The last time I got my hair cut he was the one to do it. To make a long story short, I've never been back.
That was a year ago and I still haven't gotten my hair cut.
Fucking fags.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think our barbershop was $7. A bit pricey but I didn't care, as long as I didn't have to go to Supercuts or any other establishment of the type.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And that's why I cut my own hair
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there is always one barber you don't want to get.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiice.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-03 14:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone will eventually come along and mess up this perfect score, but whoever does it is an asshole. An ASSHOLE.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a $5 haircut place near my college. The best part is its a 'hair school' or something, so its filled with super hot college aged chicks....and about three gay guys.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When he was done, Tom looked a giant dildo with ears.
------
HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHH!
Best line EVER.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Epic. As always.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom RULES. STill, I like the Tom Vs. Wendigo best of all.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice writing...keep it coming.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom stories are awesome!
I never heard of salt in a beer.
The old-timers in my parts put a dash of pepper in theirs though to make the foam turn to cream.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best Tom story yet.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. I love when people capitalize the "G" in goddamnit. I'm going to be blasphemous, but I want to show proper respect. HAHA!
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo
I was just bored off my ass, and did a search for your name to see if you had posted any new Tom stories. No such luck. As a last resort to try and find anything readable, I went back to the front page to find this freshly-posted gem waiting for me. Thanks!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 13:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is a story. Pay attention people.