The Art of the drunk cut off (949 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.33 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainAmik (View user info) at 2004-08-03 22:03:55 EDT
I've worked in a bar fo a few years now and somethings never get old to me, and the one that tops that list is cutting off someone who has had too much to drink. I mean it can be done in so many ways, the is the useful but not so fun ignore tactic, however this quickly gets drunk people falling out of their chairs as they wave at you trying to get your attention. You can even go the easy route and just flat out say I think you've had enough for tonight. But those two just don't seem to get the job done anymore, sure they stop drinking but, then I get bored of their whining, so I have found new ways to make someone wish they had quit drinking...
The Burning Beer - Since Ceasars, and Bloody Mary's have tobasco, I have found that if you just smear some around the tip of the bottle when you crack it, you get drunks crying, coughing and weezing in only seconds when their favorite lager or ale or what have you touches their trembling sauced up lips. This may seem mean but usually you can say "Oh, I'm sorry maybe it's your body telling you, you've had enough", and if they complain and ask for another one you can always just go the easy route and say no.
Bar Mat Shots - Near the end of the night when you are trying to close and go home, you always have those drunk customers that say "one more for the road, make it a shot", well there are little spills throughout the night that get caught in my bar mats, I just pick them up and pour them into a shot glass and say "Here ya go, it's on me"...To watch them swallow what can only be described as something that would scare a blind, deaf, mute without the senses of smell and taste, it makes me giddy to think about it even now. "What The Hell Was That?!?!?!", "It's called the closer wants to go home."
Phantom Alcohol - If you've ever been in a bar and your drink starts to lose it's bite, you've usually been cut off and haven't realized it, thats cause you are drinking 4 dollar cokes, you lucky dog you, you didn't even get a reason, we just knew that you love the cool refreshing taste of cola.
Aside from the cut offs there are other fun little things you can do to drunk people in the bar. Like when you get a sleeper, that guy who slowly fades out as the night goes on, and ends up face down, thats the guy that you start putting things in his hands, like toilet paper and vasoline, hundreds of olives, his already paid bill with a few sero's tacked on to the end, or the fake Visa slip with the $2000 dollar tip, give them a shake and watch as they rouse from their Bourbon induced coma, only to not know where they are or how they have finished the crossword puzzle.
This is my first post, nothing good at the moment, however I guess I will have to get the criticism over with...Just remember your bartender gets bored too, tip well and cut yourselves off you booze pounding hooligans.
User Reviews
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-08-04 07:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
for a first post, not too shabby.
as has already been said, pay no heed to the assclowns who -2 just for fun. They are very lonely, unloved people. Very.
Espo
Submitted by Sofa_Queen (user info) at 2004-08-04 06:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the technique called "Hook the guy who's too drunk to see straight up with the horny 50 year old prostitute-turned-barfly with syphlitic fluids running down her leg so that you can get rid of the two people most likely to still be there at last call in one fell swoop".
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-08-04 02:12:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks For The Support So Far! Hopefully I Can Spew Forth Many a Tale That Can Garner Some Ratings.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and instead of tabasco....use Daves Insanity Sauce....alittle dab will do ya
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my Chitown/Milwaukee bars years where similar...I had one mean assed bar tender that would use visine to cut someone off..or the oil from lemon peel around the rim....(burns like pepper spray)...and I'm glad I never had to clean the restroooms...I laughed when you said $4 cokes....We were getting almost $6 for our cokes...sickest thing I've ever walked in on while working in a bar was the girl who slipped inbetween the guy and the urinal (while the guy was pissing) and started to give him head ...while her huge ponytail swirled next to the mint and wads of old gum...Dad would be proud...good stuff...welcome aboard
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep posting quality stuff like this.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
must..... not.... givee..... ++@ #@ @ .... <ERROR>... <SYSTEM CRASH>.... ehhh... alright, even if it was your first goddamned post.
but they better not turn to shit, or believe you me, i will fuck some shit up.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ignore those pricks who -2 noobs just for fun.
that was good
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That "Burning Beer" sounds interesting. I might try that next time I go out just to see what it tastes like. Might have some potential there.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ignore the n00bs and you'll do fine. good bar story
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hmmm they all sound a bit tired. Like me today.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Because it's fun, Reverend.
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why would you piss off a drunk guy?!?
Submitted by Biznochizzle (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For your first post, it wasn't bad. Not anything like the caliber of work that I've put out there, but you may have a future, once you get your head out of your ass.
Stick with it.