Shit Happens. (638 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.75 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Andrew <downerSTAIN.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-03 22:21:24 EDT
It was a calm, peaceful night. Adam sat out in his backyard contemplating the day's events. It had been a long day, that was for damn sure. And to think, it all started out with cheese...
"Adam, will you go downstairs and get me some cheese from the freezer?" his mom hollered at him from the other room. God damnit, he thought, as he got up and headed to the basement. He hated that basement. He had since he was little. He didn't really know where it stemmed from, nothing traumatic happened there, it was just a creepy basement. The only lights were red floor lights around the wall they had never bothered to replace. Every time Adam went down there, all he could think about were the fiery pits of Hell. The screams of pure agony of the tortured souls being ripped apart, only to be put back together again and ripped apart, over and over. He hated that basement with every inch of his body, and feared it just as much. Nonetheless, he went down there and got his mothers cheese. He didn't bother turning the lights on since all they did was freak him out. He made his way to the freezer and got the cheese, then turned around quickly, a little too quickly. He tripped over his own foot and fell flat, his face pounding into the cement and the gush of blood that followed. He was almost too pre-occupied with his nose to notice what his hand had landed on when he fell. Slowly it dawned on him. He wasn't alone. But this person felt cold and stiff. There was a dead body in his basement.
To be continued...
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-04 09:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Today, I strive to be a kindler, gentler Shlongy.
But after reading dickSTAIN's stuff, that may be hard to maintain. God knows I'll try.
Submitted by PeanutButterJellyTime (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It would have been better if the story was longer, and the plot was thicker... or something to that extent.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by February_baf (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:37:47 (#)
Ranking: -2
See, this is where me not giving a shit kicks in. I post it here because I would like some advice and criticism to help me improve. I tend to ignore the dicks like you who just like being asses.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yo Want some criticism? Yo a fag!
Yo want some advice? Kill yo fag ass! It wont improve yo writing but it would help me yo fag!
==============================================
Oh man, I haden't seen you around in a while. I thought you were dead; way to ruin my day.
Submitted by February_baf (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
See, this is where me not giving a shit kicks in. I post it here because I would like some advice and criticism to help me improve. I tend to ignore the dicks like you who just like being asses.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yo Want some criticism? Yo a fag!
Yo want some advice? Kill yo fag ass! It wont improve yo writing but it would help me yo fag!
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:21:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Creepy Guy. Yeah, I'm going to try to go into a lot more detail, hopefully I won't maim the idea too horribly.
========================================
For shorter stories, its usually a good idea never to spend more than 2 lines describing one thing, unless you're good at it. Then its all right I suppose. Anything more than that just seems to be too much.
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AHHHH! NO ONES POSTED ON UBER-SITE IN 20 MINUTES!!! how do we know nothing has happened??!?!? Did anyone check the news?! I've never felt so cold. Brr, shivers. I don't think i can go on. eveything is fading, ffffaaadddeeeinnng.... Gone.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Creepy Guy. Yeah, I'm going to try to go into a lot more detail, hopefully I won't maim the idea too horribly.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, here are a few things then; this is about all I can think of right now though. First, there is potential for a good story here. There really is; the ending was quite abrupt though. A bit more build up to that whole 'dead body thing' would have been nice.
The big point though, is that this could have been longer. Every story can go somewhere, if the author wants it to. I know this is just the starting to a story (hence the to be continued at the bottom), but still; add a bit more detail here and there and you'll have something that you can definatly work with.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for cheese
+1 for the post
You should have made it longer though.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
P.s. - If you don't like it, don't read it.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:07:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
If you write this for yourself you have a few options:
A. Use a Piece of paper Dipshit. So we dont have to see your crap here.
B. Type it up but don't post it anywhere, save us some trouble.
C. Ever heard of this site assfuck? www.livejournal.com It might be better for what you want to do.
-------------------
See, this is where me not giving a shit kicks in. I post it here because I would like some advice and criticism to help me improve. I tend to ignore the dicks like you who just like being asses.
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you write this for yourself you have a few options:
A. Use a Piece of paper Dipshit. So we dont have to see your crap here.
B. Type it up but don't post it anywhere, save us some trouble.
C. Ever heard of this site assfuck? www.livejournal.com It might be better for what you want to do.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:49:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
There's the difference. I don't write a thing for myself...I write exclusively for my fans, and they are numerous and boisterous.
--------------------------------------
They're numerous and boisterous because they hate you and want you to die, dickfart.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There's the difference. I don't write a thing for myself...I write exclusively for my fans, and they are numerous and boisterous.
And pretty hammered, I'd imagine.
You should probably just write your material on toilet paper.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:46:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you we don't care.
----------------------
Refer to the comment under yours.
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you we don't care.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:43:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope this series is cancelled due to "Lack of Inetrest", or "LOI".
--------------------------
I don't give a shit if anyone's interested. I like to write, and I write for myself, not for some people on the internet, I just like a little advice and criticism. So no, as long as I have ideas for it, or finish it, it won't be cancelled. Asshat.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope this series is cancelled due to "Lack of Inetrest", or "LOI".
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:39:17 (#)
Ranking: -2
Shall this be "Shit Happens Part 2"?
-----------------------------------------
No, this is definetly part 1. The other story I started was kind of like this, but I couldn't take it anywhere.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shall this be "Shit Happens Part 2"?