Dano Gets Taught To Respect His Elders (2129 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dano
Rating: 1.92 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Scott James (View user info) at 2004-08-04 00:34:33 EDT
Normally, I wouldn't put up all the links to all the Dano stories that I've written over the last few months, but some of you seem to be having trouble finding them because they aren't all labelled with Dano's name.
Here's where it began:
Crazy Like A Fox - http://www.ubersite.com/m/32733
Crazy Like A Fox Too - http://www.ubersite.com/m/33845
Men of the Mountain - http://www.ubersite.com/m/34209
Tempus Fugit - http://www.ubersite.com/m/34551
Dano Learns That Crime Does Not Pay - http://www.ubersite.com/m/35659
Happy Birthday, Dano!!! - http://www.ubersite.com/m/36994
Finding God In A Dumpster, Slapping Sense Into German Tourists & Raising Disco From The Dead, Oh My! - http://www.ubersite.com/m/38344
You can dig them up at your leisure, and I'll just get right into the tale:
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Back in the day not everyone in my family was entirely aware of the extent of Dano's madness or the implications that came with crossing him.
In fairness to the boy by the time he had reached his late teens, those of us who were closest to him were so desensitised to him unleashing the Berserker rage that it did not strike any us as out of the ordinary if, for example, he freaked out and kicked a wooden chair to splinters just because he was unable to straighten out a pile of magazines so that they were all at a perfect right angle. The only thing worse than witnessing one of these episodes was attempting to find method in his madness.
'Why are you breaking shit again?' I asked nonchalantly.
He looked up from the shards of wood scattered across the floor and gave me his most seething Murder Death Kill glare, "I'm trying to straighten these magazines out." He said through gritted teeth.
I thought carefully for a moment and said, "Why don't you use a tape measure or a setsquare?"
I was trying to be helpful. Dano evidently did not want any assistance from a lesser mortal.
"I DON'T NEED THAT SHIT!!!" He raged, veins in his neck bulging, "I CAN DO THIS MYSELF!!! I'M SPECIAL!!! RARRRGHHH!!! ETC!!! ETC!!!"
Which led to me fleeing the scene like a hare with a scud up his ass. Anybody who tells you I was screaming like a schoolboy fleeing the Neverland Ranch is a dirty rotten liar.
Anyway, apart from Lefty, his parents, and myself, the other members of our rather big clan had yet to experience the wrath of Dano's maniacal manoeuvring. There had been hints. Brief flashes of what really lay beneath his cheery veneer but they were signs and portents that alas went unheeded at the time.
It was not like it was a big secret. My aunts and uncles were so close that they each had a stake in the family business. My mother was the joint owner with my uncle, was Dano's father. I cannot really imagine what they discussed when they were in the office together but I have no doubt that both parents would occasionally bitch about their respective children, namely Dano and myself. After all, we were both typically rude and obnoxious teenagers and that alone is enough to give some mothers and fathers an aneurysm on a daily basis.
But Dano was, for lack of a better term, fucked in the head. He was a lovely boy, just not very sane. Not stupid or lacking in intelligence, just fucking mental.
My mother knew this.
I had told her of how Dano would threaten me with death by vivisection for beating him at video games and how one time he tossed all the telephones out of the window when he thought his house was haunted by demons. I have no doubt that Dano's father told her as well. In fact, I know he did.
Which is why it struck me as odd, nay unbelievable, that my mother would agree to let Dano accompany her, Bando and myself on our vacation to Spain.
Thankfully, Lefty was on hand to keep me sane but the vacation did not have the most auspicious of beginnings.
A few years beforehand I had travelled to the south of France via coach on a school sports tour. It took us 27 hours to reach our destination and it was a sweaty, smelly nightmare. I hated every minute of the journey and vowed not to go on such a journey again until I was old enough to drink the boredom away.
This time around we were heading even further south into Spain. The estimated travelling time was 32 hours. Despite hearing me protest loudly for a good month, my mother stood by her decision to have the whole bunch of us travel by coach.
She claimed it would be an "adventure"
A 32-hour stinky, sweaty adventure with the group of us cooped up like sardines in a mobile tin can with faulty air conditioning.
Did I mention Dano was going to be with us?
Well goddamn, Lefty and I were not having any of that crazy horseshit. So when the vacation came and the coach arrived to pick us up from the station, Lefty and I barged ahead of everybody else who was waiting to get on and headed to the backseats. Since we both had very long legs there was only room for two of us on account of the restroom fitted in the back of the coach next to the seats. But the risk of being seated within the vicinity of some foul-smelling odour was outweighed by the thought of sitting next to Dano for 32-hours.
So Dano sat next to my mother for the entire journey and did not shut up all the way there.
Man, that boy could talk.
My mother would have had my sympathies had she not dumped us in this mess in the first place.
But what Dano did not know was that my mother suffered from a 75% hearing loss in her right ear.
So while he was regaling her with his delusions of grandeur, my mother was nodding as if she understood everything he said, whereas in fact she was more interested in reading the newspaper. They were sat ahead of us so Lefty and I were privy to the entire farce and we were at great pains to keep ourselves form laughing ourselves stupid. This went on for a while before somebody aboard the coach decided to put on a film to keep us entertained and suddenly Dano was more interested in watching things blow up.
Funny that.
What film did we watch?
'Speed' (har har)
Anyway, the crossing over between Dover and Calais went without a hitch. Well, almost. A stranger on the coach told Dano that there was glass-bottom to the ferry that was taking us across the English Channel. Dano, being the trusting sort, spent an hour searching out this elusive observation hold where he believed he would be able to take a look at the seabed. Of course, it was a ruse and a not very funny one at that but Lefty and myself were certainly not going to tell him that.
In retrospect one of us really should have passed the memo on to my mother.
As Dano stomped and fumed around the ferry, I found my mother above deck having a crafty cigarette after she had sworn to me that she was going to quit. Turns out that while she had not really heard what Dano had been harping on about earlier, his incessant chatter had caused her a headache and she needed something to help with the stress. Bando was throwing little bits and pieces of crap at the seagulls that were circling the back of the ferry. Lefty, who was sitting on a bench beside her, had tried to oblige my mother by offering her a hit off his joint but she reluctantly declined. My mum was normally a patient woman but I could see that she was being struck by the dawning realisation that she had not made the necessary preparations for this trip.
Dano was going to be a real test of her mettle.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Dano was coming to join us outside.
"So where is he now?" My mother asked.
"He's coming here now, everybody be quiet!" I said.
Lefty smirked, my mother shook her head and Bando carried on throwing shit at seagulls.
Dano pushed his way through the crowded gantry and damn neared knocked an elderly woman overboard as he steamrollered through the crowd to join us. Evidently, he had not found the glass bottom to the ferry.
His face was like thunder and the colour of beetroot. He had a plastic bag full of items he had purchased in the store below deck and tossed it on the floor in a huff. He even snorted.
I rolled my eyes. My mother was not somebody to suffer such acts of petulance gladly. I looked in her eyes and I could see the fire starting.
"Pick that up, Daniel" She said sternly.
"What?" He said. It was more of a reactionary 'what'. I'm not sure he even heard what she said.
"I said 'pick that up'" My mum replied, "and stop being such a baby. What's wrong with you?"
Something in Dano must have snapped. Either he did not like being referred to as a 'baby' or maybe he did not like my mother's tone, but something caused his mask of sanity to slip because everybody on deck was able to hear the next part of the exchange.
"I TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG!" He roared, "THERE'S NO GLASS BOTTOM TO THIS FUCKING BOAT!!!"
The entire deck fell silent. People just stood there and looked at Dano like he had just escaped from a mental asylum.
The look on my mother's face was priceless. It was a mix of incredulity and anger. It was the anger born out of the frustration at other people's stupidity.
Finally, she stopped scowling to say, "Of course there's no glass bottom! It's a passenger ferry - it would bloody sink if any thing cracked the glass, you silly boy!"
Well, after that last sentence, Dano obviously thought that the lesser mortal before him had tested his patience long enough. His eyes bulged out of their sockets, his skin turned an even darker shade of purple and his fists were clenched so tight that his fingernails were probably drawing blood.
Nobody moved. Not me, not Lefty, not my mother. Everybody else just watched from what seemed a long way away.
"DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!" He screamed, "I'M SPECIAL! I'M A GENIUS! I KNOW MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW AND YOU WILL RESPECT ME!"
There was more, but that was all I could discern from his little rant because within seconds my mother had leapt to his feet and cuffed Dano around the head with the back of her hand
And she cuffed him hard.
He fell silent immediately. There was a gasp from behind me. I realised it was Lefty, who had put down his joint, ready to take Dano down to the floor in a bear hug as I had seen him do a few times before.
There was a beautiful look of shock on Dano's face. He honestly did not know whether to laugh or cry. I do not think any woman had ever hit him before in his life, not even his own mother.
He did not know what to do. So he did what he does best and started Shrieking Like A Berserker.
"YOU CAN'T FUCKING HIT ME! I'M SPEC-!"
*SMACK!* *SMACK!*
Two more cuffs around the ear. Dano fell silent and cowered before my mother, clutching at his head. He whimpered incoherently as I watched in amazement.
Then slowly my mother leant down beside him and jabbed her finger just in front of his face.
"Don't you ever talk to me like that again, boyo," She started, "Or you arse won't touch the ground."
With that, she finished her cigarette, went through the crowd of assembled on-lookers and back inside. I ushered Bando inside and told him to follow her. Lefty took care of Dano.
After we got to Calais and retook our seats on the coach, Dano sat beside my mother without uttering a single word for twenty-four hours.
The incident was never spoken of again.
But when we got to our destination, Lloret De Mar in the south of Spain, we were all smiles again and Dano acted Like Nothing Ever Happened.
Crazy bastard.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-19 09:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great pic
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"My mom's cuffed me a few times for being a smartass."
- Now that's a real lady.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:12:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:00:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, is cuffing like backhanding or punching? Us dumb Amellicans can't speak engrish ya know."
--- A backhander. My mother's a lady and ladies don't punch - they cuff.
My mom's cuffed me a few times for being a smartass.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:00:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, is cuffing like backhanding or punching? Us dumb Amellicans can't speak engrish ya know."
--- A backhander. My mother's a lady and ladies don't punch - they cuff.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to say I think the Dano stories are threatening to run out of steam, but there is no way in hell that picture isn't getting a +2. I was in absolute bits.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, is cuffing like backhanding or punching? Us dumb Amellicans can't speak engrish ya know.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious. I wish I could rank the picture cause that was fucking funny too.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 15:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
* Sigh! *
I miss being able to get perfect +2s. Maybe I've Jumped The Shark with these Dano stories.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-04 11:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-04 11:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-04 10:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well written but it didn't say anything. I'm torn between a 0 and a +1 for being able to spell and complete a sentence.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-08-04 10:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fact: Kicker of all ass.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-04 09:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-08-04 09:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I f'ing love you Damo.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-04 08:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had crazy relative or friend stories to tell.
Then I would get all +2's too.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-04 08:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any way I can marry your mom?
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-08-04 08:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-04 07:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your Mom kicks ass.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-04 07:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dano's comeuppance
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-08-04 07:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-04 07:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking excellent boyo!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-04 06:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mother is an awe inspiring woman, isn't she? I think you've posted about her before, and I was impressed even then. Also, I love these stories.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-04 05:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahhahaha..... Oh that was brilliant....
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-04 03:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 02:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's pronounced "dan-o"
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dano is a G.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-04 01:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice, how do you pronounce dano, is it dan-o or dane-o?
Submitted by winowarrior (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Danno!!! Oh yeah, go head 'n give Judy Blume a run for her money....UUUUU caannnn dooooo ittttt!!!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I told you I'd probably give out another +2, and I wasn't lying. You rock, and so does Dano.
Submitted by Random schmoe at 2004-08-04 01:28:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bitchin as
Submitted by bean (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:27:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's priceless.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haven't read it yet, but I love Dano, so here's the obligatory +2.
Odds are you'll probably receive another +2 when I'm done.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to go Scotts Mom.
If I had been in the crowd i would have raised a cheer for her!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, your mama smacked the "special" boy.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mom kicks extreme amounts of ass