Missionaries Will One Day Power My House (502 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.29 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HatMan (View user info) at 2004-08-04 07:38:08 EDT
The other day, I was called up by an old friend-turned-archnemesis, Mrs. Bible-beater (the missionary from my post "Incest, Self-Mutilation, and Other Things Mexicans Will Grow To Love at http://www.ubersite.com/m/38946). I was only able to hear her bathe herself in glory and repeatedly dig me for compliments for about 10 minutes before I had to hang up the phone. I can't stand missionaries. I sat there, filled with hatred that she had the audacity to call me after what I said to her about two years previous. In short, I told her to take her Bible and stick it up her ass. I got to thinking though, and one thought led to another and I was struck with a genius greater than that of Bill Cosby's in pudding mode.
In that short moment of brilliance, I had figured out how to solve the energy crisis and rid the world of missionaries at the same time.
We could put a giant turbine into outer space and catapult retards at high velocities towards "teeth" on it that would spin the turbine.
In space, there is no friction, my turbine would spin easily!
Now just follow along for a moment. I'm sure there are tons of questions and lots of criticism floating in your brain right now, so just be patient.
One of the most obvious problems is that if we kept hurling missionaries (and I think we could probably do the same with retards and scum of all shapes and sizes) at the turbine it would eventually move and probably fall into orbit around a nearby planet and crash into the atmosphere, which would suck if it was earth. I have that solved though.
There is a point about four times the distance to the moon where the earth's gravity and the sun's cancel each other out called Lagrangian Point 1, or L1 for short. It would take no energy to keep something stationary in this position, and since all that would really happen when we crashed a missionary into the turbine is it would spin, there'd be virtually zero fuel spent keeping it at L1.
Some of you are probably thinking, "Oh but you couldn't ever get it spinning fast enough to actually generate enough power." Not true! Sure, with the first couple of retards it wouldn't make it move very much, but for the couple thousand or so, we'd just use people with more mass. The fat missionaries (Sally Struthers counts) would be the first to go.
Already, I'm solving three major world problems: Missionaries, obesity, and lack of cheap electricity. It's like giving natural selection a kickstart.
There is the problem of actually retrieving all the electricity that would be generated by my missionary-and-retard powered turbine. That's no problem.
Now I'm sure anyone who's followed along this long is wondering, "But HatMan, with normal space shuttles it would take a really long time to go and get the electricity." 12 days to be exact. It wouldn't be done that way though.
There would be a space station orbiting the earth that would serve as a staging area, one of its purposes being to aim and then jettison these idiots at the turbine. On this space station would be large panels, similar to those of a solar panel. They would be different from a normal solar panel though in that they would be convert microwaves into energy. My turbine would simply send it's electricity via microwaves to the space station.
The space station would have on board several large, easily replaceable capacitors. When the shuttle docked there to jettison their crew of retards, they would pick up the capacitors and head back to earth. Later on, we'd allow the capacitors the ability to launch themselves back to earth and the space station.
Call me a Utopian dreamer if you want, but this could very easily allow for nearly free energy and would effectively remove all missionaries from the earth. Eventually we could get together and decide who would be next after the missionaries were all gone. After all the missionaries were gone, we'd already have seen a huge decrease in war, crime, and poverty but we could take it further. We could get rid of puppy killers, hippies, and old people!
With the X-Prize competitors nearly done with all their projects, space flight will become way cheaper, and in turn so will the energy too, which is pretty cool. My idea promotes space flight, which I'm sure will appeal to every nerd out there.
Later on that night, I called my missionary nemesis up again.
I put the phone close to my mouth and spoke confidently, "You'll be the first to hit the giant teeth of my turbine."
"What?" she replied.
I threw my arms up in victory and hung up the phone
User Reviews
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-04 10:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just stuck on the thought that the impact of Sally Struthers hitting the turbine would knock it out of L1 pretty easily.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-04 09:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There is no AIR friction in space. Metal on metal will create friction regardless.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-04 08:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Point 1) There is friction in space. There is friction on Mars, Venus, Pluto, and in galaxies across the entire universe. A turbine in space will not spin indefinitely.
Point 2) I was a missionary. I am also the coolest son of a bitch on Ubersite.
Point 3) You need a magma enema. Die.
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-08-04 08:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Walsareck (user info) at 2004-08-04 08:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't think I've ever given out too many minuses... If only I were as critical as the rest of the bastards on this site...
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-08-04 08:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dategrape (user info) at 2004-08-04 07:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WHAT?