Baby Likes The Dirty Talk (2168 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.7 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Badlands (View user info) at 2004-08-04 12:43:07 EDT
Y'all don't know me. But let me assure you. I am the smoothest motherfucker this side of Billy Dee Williams. I got game. Mad game. Almost scary the way I make the ladies puddle. Don't believe me? Fair enough. I'll prove it.
Her name was Samantha. Sami, for short...she informed me, giggling over her second Appletini. Uh, yeah. Whatever. Anyway, the name reminded me of Alyssa Milano's character on that "Tony Danza's Your Boss" show, so I was game. Yep, Sami was A-Ok by me.
So, out at he pub I meet young, sweet, supple, boobalicious Samantha. Sorry...I mean, Sami. I ply her with the liqueur of her choice (aka, any Schnapps-related crap), and we talk about all the important issues facing a girl of her limited intelligence these days.
Her Louis Vuitton...yeah sure, it's hot. Emo music...uh, yeah, it speaks to me too. Her tongue ring...just adorable. Her job as a receptionist at SuperCuts...lame. I mean, ultra lame. Totally. Super-ultra-lame. LOL...I think. Basically, I'll say whatever gets me closer to the heaven that is her 'gyner.
Hey...it's tough. It's 12:30am on a Wednesday night and I'm 29 years old. I should probably be at home sleeping. But instead, I'm in this meat market, spending $8 for every drink and trying to carry on a conversation over some Ludacris-shake-ya-ass-shit that's about 60 decibels too loud, spun by some douchebag named DJ LimpPenis.
But hey, I'm horny...like a goddamned toad. It's been a little while, and I need some lovin'. So I'm here. And it's painful, because this girl...pretty as she is, is completely vapid. She's got nothing upstairs. But I stay. Because I'm a man. It's our nature. It's what we do.
Anyway. So Samantha, on her third drink—-some "sex on the buttery redheaded jaeger bull bomb" thing I think--leans in and tells me that she thinks I'm quote, "fuckin' hot, dude."
I smile; flattered as hell that she would think so. "I think you're attractive too, Samanth...er, Sami. Maybe we should get together sometime in the near future. There's a really great blues band playing on..."
Samantha...er, Sami: "Dude. I said you're fuckin' hot."
Me: "Yeah, you said. But no, I was thinking we could maybe..."
Sami: "Dude. Seriously. I love Italian guys and you've got the best dimples."
Me: "Well, now you're just embarrassing me. But really, I think you're very pretty too. That's why I was thinking we could..."
Sami": "Dude! What the fuck? I'm telling you I'm into it!"
Me: "Into it? Like, into 'it'"??
Sami: "Uh...yeah, re-taaard. Don't you get it? Jeez! Maybe I'm wasting my time here."
Retard!?!?! Wasting your time!?!?!? Why I oughta......
But no. I compose myself. I decide to fuck with her. I sit back, smile politely, and tell Barbie what I'm pretty sure will send her running for the door.
"Oh Sami. I most certainly do get it." I say. "And just so you know, bitch...I fully intend on giving it to you. Cause I'm long, and I'm strong. And I'm down to get the friction on!"
Now, as I'm waiting for her to throw her drink in my face, something strange happens. My new, slutty little friend looks me dead in the eye. And just then, something within her changes.
Like Lincoln Hawk turning the cap backwards in the 80's Stallone classic "Over The Top", she flips the switch. The immature, likeohmahgawd, sorority girl attitude disappears. And what replaces it is something I've only seen in very bad porno.
Instead of calling me a pig, Sami leans in, her voice drops about 6 octaves, and she coos huskily, "Ooooohhhh! Now we're getting somewhere. You wanna give it to me daddy? You wanna give it to me like the naughty little baby I am?"
WTF?
Now I'm nervous. But I play along. "Um...yeah. Sure. I'll, uh give it to you. So, um how do you...you know, like it...and stuff?"
Sami licks her pouty red lips as her left hand travels up her tight little midsection and settles squarely on her left breast. She begins playing with her nipple through the cotton of her shirt, moaning gently.
"Ooooh...you wanna know how baby likes it, daddy? You wanna know what makes baby cum haaarrrddd??? Oh yeah...baby likes it rough. Baby wants her cootchie rubbed raw while you spank her ass 'til it's red and sore. Think you can spank baby like a bad girl?"
Raw Cootchie? Red and sore bum? Holy shit! It usually takes me at least two dates before I start smacking the shit out of "baby's" ass. I mean, two minutes ago we were talking about her stupid purse and shitty emo music. And now, we're fixing to play 'Massah and Slave Girl'. Baffled as I am, I decide to forge ahead.
Oh yeah. It's on like fucking Donkey Kong!
As I watch Sybill, I mean Sami, play with her nips I realize that I'm drooling a bit, and Gilligan (my little buddy) is now standing at attention.
"Oh yeah, Sami...I mean, baby. I, uh, Daddy can make your cootchie all hot and wet. Is that what you want? A hot. Wet. Cootchie?"
Told you I was smooth.
Her bosom-pinching hand stays put as she leans in, and with her free hand, begins stroking my little buddy through the denim of my jeans. She licks her lips while letting out a slow, guttural moan.
"Unnnnnhhh...oh yeah. Baby wants it. Baby wants a delivery. And Daddy's big throbbing meat stick feels like the perfect package."
Big throbbing meat stick? Package delivery? Who am I, the fucking FedEx guy?
"You know what else baby wants?"
"Tell me. For the love of God, woman. Tell me."
"Baby wants to take your big cock in her mouth and suck it dry, Daddy. Would you like that? Would like for baby to take every inch of you? Can baby suck your cock? Pleeeeaaaasee Daddy?"
Check please! Eddie Money's "Two Tickets to Paradise" starts playing in my head as I immediately grab her wrist and pull her off her stool. It's time to go. Besides, another line like that and I'm going explode before poor Gilligan ever sees the light of day.
"Come on baby. I live three blocks away."
As I start to pull her she violently jerks her wrist back.
"What the fuck are you doing, dude?" Spitting the words out with venom. The lust, now gone from her voice.
"We're going to my place. That's what you want, right? You know...raw cootchie, sore ass, delivery of my meat stick and all that??"
She glares at me liked I just kicked her puppy.
"Who said anything about me leaving with you, scumbag? What kind of girl do you think I am?"
"Um...I don't know. The kind that wants to suck Daddy dry?" I ask weakly.
"You're a fucking freak, dude! I thought we were just playing here. You didn't take what I said seriously did you?"
She gets up, shakes her head and starts walking away. Stunned, I search for the words that might bring my little sex kitten back. Standing in the middle of the bar with flushed cheeks and a raging hard-on, all I can think to say is... "yeah, well fuck you, you fucking slut." God, that was weak.
She turns back, gives me the Rikki-Lake-Talk-To-The-Hand gesture, and keeps walking. Out of my life forever. Baby. Leaving Daddy.
Defeated, I exit the bar and make my way home, angry, embarrased, and yes...still horny. I crawl into bed, and with thoughts of baby's dirty talk still running through my mind, I do the only thing left to do at this point.
Yep...poor Gilligan most definitely got slapped around by the Skipper that night. Such is life.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:01:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dont be playa-hating
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a coincidence. Tiger likes the dirty talk too.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to laugh and feel bad for you at the same time! Impressive.
Tiger's right about you..
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-10-01 14:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PornoGuyOntheCouch (user info) at 2004-08-27 04:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stay away from Baby
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-27 03:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just as long as the Skipper was thinking about Ginger and Maryanne while he was doing the slapping around...
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i actually laughed. audible laughter. just a teensy bit, but still...that says a lot. great post.
Submitted by Karmajane (user info) at 2004-08-21 10:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's just cruel! And some women wonder why there is such a thing as daterape...I'm sure Gilligan enjoyed his slapping anyhow :P
Your posts kick arse! A big +2 for you.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:58:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gig - I just read some of the reviews you gave my stuff. And I really appreciate it. But man...this is some good shit too! You are an excellent writer. I'm going to be sure not to miss your stuff in the future.
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No problem. I've already added you to my Ubersite favorites folder, which has a link to "user info." I've got WillZone, Smurfs, Method, CBG, Circe and several others in there. There are some fine writers on this site. Some may be a little crazy, but fortunately that can be boiled down to "poetic license."
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you OWN
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I'm going to break this down.
You wrote a kick ass post that mentioned the following:
Gilligan and the Skipper (in a masturbation reference)
"Over the Top" starring Sly Stallone and that little kid
Eddie Money
Sir Mix'a'Lot
Wow.
$8 a drink - you either live in New York or LA. If you live in New York you are going to be added to the list of people from Uber who need to meet up and get wasted downtown.
Submitted by heater (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooh. Dirty Heat!
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blue balls are a bitch.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, this is a problem I have with Uber. I read this post about 3 hours ago, but was too busy to rate it. I thought it was awesome. But only 11 ratings. That's why I think ratings mean shit.
Nice post man. Keep it up.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:59:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My co-workers must think I am nuts.
Funny Shit!
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it
Submitted by TeenageDirtBag (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That must suck alot! lol
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Ginger or Maryanne for Gilligan.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by maggot (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
heil hitler
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. Skipper smackin Gilligan and all.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely fucking hilarious. I'm gonna go read the rest of your stuff.
Submitted by Pittdude (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I got game. Mad game. Almost scary the way I make the ladies puddle."
tool
Submitted by DBPH (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:53:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Call me! *WINK*