Friends don't let friends....(LONG) (2658 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.33 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (View user info) at 2004-08-04 13:20:41 EDT
Everyone has a friend who is perpetually single. In my social circle, I am said friend. The downside of this is that everyone always knows someone who "would be perfect for [me]." As a result, I get set up on a lot of blind dates. Some are nice, with women that I would really like to get to know better, although the feeling is apparently not always mutual. Some are nightmares from which there is no waking.
A "friend" (and I now use that term loosely) set me up on a blind date. Since I had never heard of my date, we decided that it would probably be best to meet somewhere public, like the Kroger parking lot. That way, I couldn't stalk her and she couldn't stalk me. Monday night. It's easy to find her car. It's the one ¾ of the way across the lot from anything else. I pull up a few spots away and get out. She also gets out.
First impression: Nice. She looks to be about 5'6". Not too skinny, but no obvious rolls. I guess that's a "cute" dress. It does a nice job showing off the legs. All cleavage is present and accounted for. Ok, I don't have to jump back in my car in hopes that she didn't catch my license plate.
I approach her car. Everything is looking fine.. Maybe that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach is wrong. Maybe I'm just nervous. "Hi, I'm Drew. Nice to meet you, finally."
"Hi Drew. I've been looking forward to this." But I don't hear a word she says. I am distracted by the fact that the instant she opens her mouth, the air hazes and seems to shimmer slightly. The next thing I know, I am stifling a gag. In the case of this attractive - but slightly plain - girl, (mathematically represented) breath = god-awful. Her teeth, more orange than yellow, have chunks of some identified...something between them. It looks like her idea of oral hygiene is flossing her teeth with pubes after giving head. Don't get me wrong. My teeth aren't exactly pearly white, and I'm sure I have my moments of stank-mouth. At this exact moment, though, I desperately want to introduce her to a toothbrush since it was obvious no one else has.
Against my better judgment, I remember what my mother taught me about how to treat people and we went to dinner. As we eat, I am able to smell everything on her plate - layered delicately over the light scent of everything else she has eaten in the last month or two. The chunks between her teeth seem to attract other chunks like magnets. By the time we start to talk, she has what equates to roughly an entire bunch of broccoli between her teeth. As if having to look at that every time she smiles isn't bad enough, she can't carry a conversation if it had a handle. Every time I stop to take a bite, or turn my head slightly for a breath of fairly fresh air, she decides that the lapse in conversation is uncomfortable and things will be so much better if she talks about sex.
Apparently, nothing says "Tell me about your sex life" like a date who can't look you in the eye because you have enough food between your teeth to recreate Jesus feeding the 5000. By all means, take this opportunity to tell me about how handcuffs chafe your wrists. Tell me about the time your pencil-dicked date was so bad in bed that you had to fake 3 orgasms to get him to stop so you could cry yourself to sleep. And by all means, lick your lips and run your tongue across your teeth, thinking that it is going to make me want you.
Inner monologue: "What about the time your date made you want to get up and go to the bathroom to brush and floss? Oh wait, that's obviously never happened..."
Me: "Wow. No wonder you're available for a date on such short notice."
After what seems like three lifetimes, the check arrives. But there is one problem. 2 diners, 1 breath mint. Being the gracious and chivalrous man that my mother raised me to be, I give her first crack at the mint. Instead of being floored by how polite I am, she decides that this is a good time to get flirtatious. With a look that is supposed to look playfully hurt, she asks me if I am telling her that she needs it.
Inner monologue: "Yes. Yes you do. And while you're at it, a fire hose would actually be good to blast the crud off your canines."
Me: "I just figured that perhaps I should be polite and not be grabby."
I had planned on something nice and generic like a movie after dinner. The thought of sitting through a movie with that breath right next to me, though, is more than I can stand. As the awkward silence lengthens, I am struck by how desperately I want to cut this date short. I am still too polite to just drop her off and dash with out a word. I glance over at her quickly, but I can't tell what she is thinking. I know what I am thinking. "Dear God, how can I get out of this?"
Brainstorm. At the next stop light, I look over at her.
Me: "I don't know if this has really come across, but I am not very comfortable around people I don't know. Perhaps we should just call it an evening and see how things play out over the next few days."
Bad Breath Broad (name changed to protect those involved): "Yes, I thought maybe that was the case. I would like to get to know you better, but I want you to be comfortable. I will be in touch in a few days, if that is what you want."
Inner monologue: "Yes. No!! Don't call me, I'll call you."
Me: "That sounds like a good idea."
I pull back into the Kroger parking lot and park a few parking spots away from her car. Once again, my mother's training kicks in and I walk her the 15 feet to her car. Big mistake. I am content to hold my breath for a polite goodnight hug. This, however, puts her mouth close to my face and she makes it clear that she wants a goodnight kiss.
Inner monologue: "No. Dear God, no. Please, no, don't do this."
I do the only thing a polite young man can do. I turn my head to the side a little so she is left with nothing to kiss but my cheek. I open my mouth, intending to say, "I'm sorry, no kissing on the first date." But what comes out is, "I'm sorry, no..."
Awkward silence as she stares at me. I stand straight upright, looking down at the ground.
She turns to get into her car.
Bad Breath Broad: "So I'll talk to you later?"
Me: "Yes. Have a nice night."
Fast forward to Tuesday night. I check my email, and there is a quick note from Bad Breath Broad.
"Dear Drew,
I had a really nice time with you the other night. I know things got kind of awkward at the end of our date, but I would really like to see you again and get to know you better. Please write me back so we can make arrangements.
Hoping to hear from you,
Bad Breath Broad"
Inner monologue:
"Dear Bad Breath Broad,
I would really like to see you again too. AFTER you scrub your teeth a few times. With toilet bowl cleaner. And remember, Listerine is your friend.
- Drew"
Me: Delete.
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-28 14:31:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-24 01:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Virtual hug
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-03-02 05:43:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wanna do it?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-02 04:38:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking horrible.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-03-02 04:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gross.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-02-09 16:30:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those negatives seem more like grudge ratings
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-18 15:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If her breath is foul, imagine what her snatch is like.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-13 13:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really horrible
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-11 13:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-29 22:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
prick
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-10-31 11:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
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Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-18 13:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-10-18 09:47:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
And I can't wait for my -2's.
---
Here you go.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2004-10-04 01:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold
Submitted by HelloMello (user info) at 2004-10-04 01:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
your absoletly right ill rate you instead
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-28 00:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-28 00:49:41 (#)
Ranking: -1
I belive the word "no" sums this up best.
But I prefer Fuck You.
AWWWWWWWWWWW!
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-09-24 16:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i thought i had rated this before...
oh well. i have now.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-21 17:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-09-21 17:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mom?
;)
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2004-09-10 18:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because of the name Drew which kicks ass and drops panties.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-12 09:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
sucks dude
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-12 09:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You shoulda banged her and got over it.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:40:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hhahaha
First dates suck ass
Apparently your date did too....right before you met her.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Unlucky.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apparently, nothing says "Tell me about your sex life" like a date who can't look you in the eye because you have enough food between your teeth to recreate Jesus feeding the 5000.
Fucking awesome line. I can only wish that sometime in my life I can use it, but then again I hope not.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good one.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work.
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It looks like her idea of oral hygiene is flossing her teeth with pubes after giving head"
Hehe
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well written.