Why I quit jumping on beds. (1666 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.96 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DaBaddestHic <jtight.at.usa.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-04 14:24:55 EDT
Ah yes, jumping on the bed - a cornerstone of any well-developed childhood and one of the many things parents are persistent on keeping the children from doing. Personally, I've never been much for this act, not because I was afraid of retaliation by adults, but because I learned my lesson about the dangers at quite a young age.
I was about 8 or 9 at the time, and spending the night at a friend's house who I didn't get to see very often. (We've known each other since we were 2 or 3 and have kept in touch ever since.) It was late, and I assume we had gotten tired of playing NES or chasing each other around the house with Nerf weapons, so we chose the next best thing - bouncing around on the bed.
He were in children's heaven, taking turns compressing the mattress springs, only to have them push us right back up. I expect there were probably more than a few giggles escaping from our mouths as we delighted in the fact that we were getting away with something we'd been told not to do all our lives.
That's when it happened. Somehow in the middle of bouncing around with my friend and his stuffed animals I popped a boner. I'm not gay by any means, so it was just one of those random boners that always seem to come up at the worst times.
Being young, I didn't quite understand the significance of what had just happened, so I just went on jumping around on the bed. Up, down, a little to the side, throw a pillow at my friend, lose my balance and fall.
Right onto my hard penis.
AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! Never in my life had I felt such pain as when the skin covering the head of my most prized possession was pushed back further, and much quicker, than I was used to. (Ok that's a lie, I had managed to rip a chunk of skin out of my left arm as a child, which actually left a cool scar, but I wasn't thinking about that at the time). I rolled over and grabbed my crotch as my friend stared on in disbelief, not quite realized what had just happened.
"What's wrong with you?"
*Gasp* "My penis, I fell on it! God, it hurts." I looked up at him and pleaded, "Don't just stand there man, help me!"
"What you want me to do, put some ice on it? I'm not touching that! You better go show my mom."
What? Surely he hadn't just suggested that I go show some random female my goods. No way, wasn't any girl going to see my private area that night. I'd rather lie there in pain than suffer that embarrassment.
"Are you crazy? I'm not showing your mom. I'll just lay here a while and maybe the pain will pass."
"But what if you broke it? Maybe you need to go to a doctor or something."
Well he sure had me there. Swallowing my pride, I got up and went off to find his mom. After explaining what had happened to her I pulled down my pants and cautiously showed her my now-tender sex toy. After examining the damage she assured me that everything would be ok and went and got me some ice. I spent the rest of that night holding a cold washcloth in my pants, wondering just what God had against me to let this happen.
I woke up the next morning feeling much better. As is custom, the first thing I did when I woke up was make a trip to the bathroom to relieve my bladder. *Zip* Pants down, my willy freed, waiting for the steady stream of urine to come out. Waiting, waiting, and AH! Let me tell you, taking a piss that morning stung like hell. During the night someone had snuck into the bedroom and replaced my bladder with a beehive that sent it drones down my urethra to attack the already tender head. It didn't get any better after that first time either, this wasn't sex after all. I dreaded having to go to the bathroom for at least a week after that night.
Needless to say, I lost my ambition to jump on any more beds after that. Just the thought of the seething pain and humiliation of baring all for my best friend's mother was enough pick that NES controller back up and continue to try and make it to the end of Super Mario Brothers. As for my own kids, if I ever have any, I think I'll stick with my plan of letting them learn the hard way. Tell a kid not to jump on a bed and they'll stop until you're out of sight; let them go until they fall on their own hard-on and you'll never have to tell them again.
User Reviews
Submitted by DaBaddestHic (user info) at 2004-08-08 12:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*Comes back from vacation.*
Nice, on the Fetish recommends list. Thanks for not wanting to break the chain electric, too bad someone else did. That's ok, just means I have to try and top it some other time.
Submitted by lux78 (user info) at 2004-08-08 01:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Reminds me of the morning wood song. Funny stuff.
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-08-07 21:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by Empire101 <JasonAlexPayne.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-08-07 20:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn funny, straight up (no pun intended)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-07 16:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny. I probably would have given you a +1, but I couldn't bring myself to break the streak.
This is good though. The broken penis has always been one of by greatest fears.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-06 14:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Par Heemer!
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-08-05 21:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that last line was awesome.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-05 07:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 added to Fetish Recommends on UberSearch: http://ubersearch.dontexist.com/
Submitted by DaBaddestHic (user info) at 2004-08-04 21:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-08-04 20:51:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't you ask her to kiss it and make it feel better?
Seeing as how she was close friends with my own mom, this probably would have led a very strained relationship between the two of them.
Now, if his mom had been say, Angelina Jolie, I would have been all over that one.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-04 21:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-08-04 20:51:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't you ask her to kiss it and make it feel better?
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-08-04 20:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess I would understand if I had a penis of my own... I hear that kind of thing hurts though...
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-08-04 20:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't you ask her to kiss it and make it feel better?
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-04 20:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kochi (user info) at 2004-08-04 20:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too good! Too good!
Submitted by porkmonger (user info) at 2004-08-04 19:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now there's a life lesson
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
owie
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BugMeNot (user info) at 2004-08-04 15:11:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you stop a nigger from jumping up a down on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 16:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-04 15:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pain
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-08-04 15:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-08-04 15:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too damn funny.
Submitted by BugMeNot (user info) at 2004-08-04 15:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you stop a nigger from jumping up a down on the bed?
Submitted by DaBaddestHic (user info) at 2004-08-04 15:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, she unfortunately was not a MILF.
And yes, I'm pretty sure I told my mom about the whole inspection thing. Either that or they laughed their asses off about it behind my back when my mom came to pick me up :P
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DaBaddestHic years later:
"Oh yeah... his mom totally gave me a handjob awhile back..."
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"did you tell your parents that your friends Mom inspected your wang? or is it still a secret that only you and everyone on the interent knows."
Hahahahahahaha
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell a kid not to jump on a bed and they'll stop until you're out of sight; let them go until they fall on their own hard-on and you'll never have to tell them again.
This should be embroidered on a pillow and sold at craft fairs.
Gold!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was she a MILF?
did you tell your parents that your friends Mom inspected your wang? or is it still a secret that only you and everyone on the interent knows.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh...
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha