SPT I will live alone forever, and I like it! (641 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.56 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by plushpeach <kristineethomas.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-05 11:19:03 EDT
WARNING: Rant post, so if you hate them I recommend that you don't read this.
Ok I got a new housemate last week. No problem the girl seems pretty normal. At least that's what I thought. I was so far from right, it's not funny.
She has the worst gas of anyone I have ever met. And I am an Army brat! I used to hang out with guys who would fart if the wind changed. They'd take bets on whose was the smelliest, longer, loudest... etc ad infinity. But that' s nothing; this girl can fart to the tune of Dixie. And you want to talk about Saddam hiding weapons of Mass Destruction? They are right here, in my new housemates ass!
A few days ago I discovered that she does not shut the door to use the toilet. So I'm sitting in the living room and hearing her grunt and strain to poo, while trying to have a "conversation" with my boyfriend. He had to leave he was laughing too hard. It sounded like she'd giving birth or something! WTF! Shut the fucking door you dumbass cunt! I don't want to hear you take a shit! Not only that but she borrowed one of my books to take in and read. I'm burning that fucker. Not that I am ever touching it again. Maybe I can nudge it out of the house with my shoe and kick it to the dumpster. But then I'd have to burn my shoe. Hmm dilemma. Anyway back to my rant.
Two days ago I get up to get ready for another leisurely day of meaningless internet usage and errand running and what do I have greeting me???? POOP SOUP! Yes, you heard it right. She had gone to the bathroom before leaving for work several hours ago and not bothered to flush. I was tempted to scoop some out and dump it on her bed but I did not have the courage to go turd fishing that morning. When she got home I tried my best to hold my temper and not kill her but it was hard seeing through the red haze that had lingered all day.
And not only that but she apparently has a small intestinal problem. I came home yesterday to take a shower after the gym and find skid marks in the tub!!! HolyMotherfuckingShitlickingGod! I run scream unintelligibly and yank her out of her room, pointing like a woman possessed, I communicated my need for an explanation for the mysterious brown ooze. This is a direct quote from her. "I have trouble sometimes, ya know? Like I get constipated and so I take a hot bath to loosen me up." Jesus Christ! Take some Ex-Lax or something but do not shit in my bathtub! I was tempted to make her clean it out with her tongue. But instead I stood and supervised while she scoured the damned thing with bleach and other abrasive cleaners. I am going to need a lifetime supply of Lysol. Does this strike anyone as messed up? That I should now have to take showers in my own house with shower shoes?
I'm kicking her retarded ass out! Fuck this shit!
User Reviews
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-09 16:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch... sympathy +2.
Submitted by kukd85 (user info) at 2004-08-06 10:16:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Because I really feel sorry for you... People are sick. Sick, sick, sick....
Submitted by Whiskey_Sour (user info) at 2004-08-06 10:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-06 09:57:47 (#)
Ranking: -2
OK.
-2 for your response to my response then.
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Shlongy, you're an asswipe.
Plus 2 for an entertaining post.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-06 09:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OK.
-2 for your response to my response then.
Submitted by plushpeach (user info) at 2004-08-06 09:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Slongy, this wasn't supposed to be funny. This was a rant. Didn't you read the warning?? Seinfeld huh? Never watched it but I do appreciate the reference. In the future please don't negatively rate a post that is a rant on the basis it is not funny. I didn't put in a humor catagory after all.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-05 20:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza takes a book into the bathroom while in a bookstore...the book gets "flagged" and he cannot return the "toilet book" to any store in the city.
Except the Seinfeld episode was amusing and interesting.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was actually funny.
Submitted by plushpeach (user info) at 2004-08-05 13:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well it's done. She is O-U-T-outta here! I am going to need serious therapy now.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-05 12:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good god that's fucking disgusting. change the locks, leave her stuff on the doorstep.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-05 11:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you took SPT too literally.
That's fucking messed up though. You need to kick that bitch out. Suck it up and pay the full rent. It's better than getting Hepatitis B through your feet.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-05 11:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so fucking gross. But I laughed my ass off.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-05 11:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Farts+Poop=
+2