The Art of Being an Asshole (Respect for the Dead) (679 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: -0.17 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2004-08-05 12:38:37 EDT
I hadn't worked in weeks. My last job had ended badly when I asked one of the waitresses if she liked people to look her in the eyes when she was speaking to them, and then proceeded to inform her that the pants she was wearing were in direct opposition to that end. Looking back, I might as well have just told her that she had a nice ass, because it would've had about the same effect. Also, I don't think it helped when I groped her while sqealing "SEWEEEEE!" Somehow people think this creates something called a "hostile work environment", I just think it adds interest to an otherwise boring job. Women are sooo sensitive sometimes!
At any rate, I hadn't worked in weeks, and now I was on the highway, running on gasoline supplied by my mom because I was an unemployed loser pervert, and running late to a job interview, when I came upon a 4-way stop...
Being the law-abiding citizen I am, I attempt to at least slow down before continuing on, when suddenly a car bearing flashing lights just barrels into the middle of the intersection like it is running from attacking aliens, screeches to a halt, cutting off my escape route. He jumps out of the vehicle and motions for me and the other vehicles at the intersection to stop.
I am thinking to myself, "The jig is up - I KNEW I souldn't have downloaded that child pornography," and I proceed to put my car in park and my hands on the steering wheel in preparation for the S.W.A.T. team I know is coming any second, when I notice the sign on the side of the car reads: "White Funeral Home".
This fucker is stopping me because of some dead guy? I look down the road in the direction from whence he came and did not see SHIT! It was an open intersection, so I could see pretty far down the road, and there was absolutely NOTHING coming for at least a half mile. With as slow as funeral processions usually are, I knew this could take days.
"What the Fuck!?!" I screamed. "This is BULLSHIT! Life goes on, and I have somehwere to be...I don't have time to stop and smell the decay!!!" With that I put my car in drive, ignoring the guy's futile hand gestures, and drive through the intersection around his stupid blinking FUNeral ride. As I pass the man, an older gentleman, he looks at me condescendingly and points at me as if to say, "God sees you" or "when it's your time no one will stop for you."
I just laughed and reassured myself that I will never die and there is no such thing as karma, rolled down my window and yelled, "GOOD RIDDANCE," and drove away. In my rear view I ccan see the other restless drivers begin to follow suit. The man, defeated and way too fucking early, gets back in his car and pulls to the side of the intersection.
I guess there is a little karma in the world because I was late to the interview -- but then I just explained how I had to pull over for a funeral procession, and my boss-to-be understood...I got the JOB!
Brad: 2
Karma: 0
Now, if only I could make the voices stop...
User Reviews
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 18:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Submitted by equaIizer (user info) at 2004-10-21 00:59:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-18 21:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a bad start to a good series
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-10-14 20:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more content than most.
Submitted by equalizer (user info) at 2004-09-14 03:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Equalized.
Submitted by fake_bargled (user info) at 2004-09-07 19:34:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.luciferindustries.com/
Submitted by vengeance (user info) at 2004-08-13 22:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by FetishII (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:38:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hope this is what you wanted!
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Mr. Spam man, bring some spam. My nane is electrictoothsyndrome, and I'm like the 20th to spam Fetish this month, ain't I cool?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:38:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hope this is what you wanted!
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Better make sure you spam them all, I'm not missing a one, bitch!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-05 14:16:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fart
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-05 13:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why does everyone always assume I am trying to be funny and not simply recounting an event the way it happened. The title of the post is not "The Art of Being Funny", is it? No, it's not! Assholes are not always funny. Sometimes they are just assholes.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-08-05 13:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You might not be saying it, but I am.
It's not funny.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-05 13:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea, thanks, hun. I know this isn't all that great. It is the result of about 20 minutes of writing in between calls recalling what I thought was an interesting event. Am I going to Hell?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-05 13:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not your best, but fuck... I'm tired of rape posts and flamewars. It had sentences and isn't gonna make anyone give me a headache, so +2 for you.
I'm not saying it wasn't funny, but you've done better.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-05 12:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, I was busy shooting heroin, so I forgot....
You could do it for me...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-05 12:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I had to go on the run...Didn't you read my last response to that post???
Submitted by dategrape (user info) at 2004-08-05 12:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You were going to shoot Bush
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-05 12:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yea, I forgot to put on underwear! Thanks!
Submitted by dategrape (user info) at 2004-08-05 12:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude, aren't you forgetting something?
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-05 12:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would've slammed the gas through the intersection and not given it a second thought. The person was dead so why would they give a fuck.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-05 12:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you made no sense, or this post made no sense???
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-05 12:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i made no sense
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-05 12:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
your wear it well