Life Lessons from the Grocery Store - Never Go Back for the Parmesan Cheese (893 hits)
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Submitted by vodka7tall <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-05 15:33:39 EDT
"You know," she says while waiting for the manager to return, "you're the fourth person this has happened to today."
As if that was going to make me feel any better about the situation. I smile uncomfortably at her and look over my shoulder, praying that the manager will arrive any second and put an end to my humiliation. She was no where to be found. How did this happen? How did I become the pain in the ass holding up the checkout line?
<Cue flashback>
I hate grocery shopping on the weekend. Not that I have anything better to do with a Saturday afternoon, but mindlessly pushing a cart full of junk food and frozen dinners while carefully navigating around the ninety year old spinsters who can't decide between two different kinds of canned beets isn't exactly my idea of a good time. But I was hungry, and ketchup on stale bread (the only two food-like substances remaining in the house) didn't sound very appetizing.
I quickly jotted down a few items that were needed - peanut butter, bagels, milk, Ziploc bags, parmesan cheese - grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I riffled through my purse whilst backing out the driveway, just to make sure I had my bank card. You see, I never carry cash. Never. The only money I had on me was the quarter that is left in the truck strictly for the purpose of detaching a grocery cart from it's posse.
After dumping half the contents of my purse onto the passenger seat, I located the card. It was for a joint account my husband & I had just opened to help us budget our finances. Our system was that any money for groceries, gas and spending went into this one account. The rest of it stayed in the account that our bills are paid from. This way, we'd never have to worry about going over budget. Great system, right? Well trust me, it has it's flaws, as we're about to find out.
Despite having left my list in the truck, the shopping experience went rather smoothly. I hadn't felt the need to bitch-slap any annoying children who were screaming for cheesy poofs or snacky cakes, nor was I required to knock the legs out from under any old bitties. A good day at the grocery store in my books. I started heading towards the checkout, when it occurred to me that I had forgotten something on the list - the parmesan cheese.
I debated for a few seconds on whether or not it was worth going back for. Ninety-nine percent of the time when I've forgotten something, I don't even bother. A nagging voice in the back of my head kept telling me to forget about it, that I could get it next time I was here. For some strange reason, I decided that today would be that rare one percent occasion - I was going back for the parmesan.
I headed down the pasta aisle and located the cheese. Six-fucking-twenty-nine for a can of this processed crap. How can it possibly cost that much? Thieving assholes, those Kraft people are. I tossed the can in the cart and proceeded to the checkout. The cashier rang me through, and I dug my bank card out of my purse for a second time.
"$164.38, how would you like to pay for that?" she asks. I wave my debit card in the air, she takes the hint, and sets the machine up to take my payment. I pick up the handset, which asks me a gazillion questions - is this amount correct? chequing or savings? cash back? may we take your first born child as collateral? Finally we get to the "please wait - processing" screen. I tap my fingers impatiently.
DECLINED.
Hunh??? Did that just say declined? It can't be. I know the money is there. Maybe I just entered the wrong code - it was a new card, after all. I asked the cashier to try it again, and she obliged.
DECLINED.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Panic set in. I had a grocery cart with $164.38 worth of melting ice cream and souring milk sitting at the end of the conveyor belt with no way to pay for it. What the fuck was I going to do? For reasons yet unknown, I frantically began routing through my purse, oddly hoping that somehow the cash would just magically appear, perhaps put there by helpful little fairies or singing mice. Hell, Junior Mints have magically appeared at the bottom of that thing, why not $164.38?
No such luck. I guess even fairies and singing mice need a day off every now and then.
I look up helplessly at the sixteen year old girl in the green apron behind the counter. "I don't have anything else with me." In my state of panic, I wait for her to tell me what to do. She doesn't. All she does is stand there staring at me with that condescending "what the fuck would you like me to do about it" look. Fuckingshitgoddammitmotherfucker. "Can you just hold these here while I go... do... something..." my words trailed off as I hurried out the door.
Embarrassed as a teenage boy caught masturbating to the Sears catalogue by his mother, I hopped in the truck, and made like Jeff Gordon all the way back to my house. I screeched into the driveway, barged through the door, screamed something incoherent at my husband about spending too much money at Wal-mart, grabbed the other bank card, and burst back through the door as quickly as I had appeared.
I burnt rubber back to the grocery store, and waited at the end of the checkout to butt in and pay for the cart of groceries, which had now been pushed to the "they couldn't pay for these" area of the store. The manager is called, which brings us back to present, impatiently waiting for her to arrive. I apologize nervously to the people behind me who are now being forced to wait. Apparently this was the go ahead for them to begin regaling me with story after story of people they saw at <insert discount department store name here> who this happened to as well.
The white trash bad dye job blonde is first to speak. "Last week, I was at Winner's, and this lady, she bought 3 pairs of shoeses that were all the same kind, but different sizes, and they were all different prices."
What the fuck?
Not only did the story have nothing to do with the situation at hand, she actually used the word "shoeses", as in plural of shoes. My IQ dropped 3 points just listening to this woman. How is it that I have somehow managed to make myself look dumber than a woman who uses the word "shoeses" and can't read the instructions on a bottle of hair colour? This can't be happening.
After what seems like eons, the manager arrives, overrides the system, I pay for my groceries and slink out the door, imagining the whole time that I'm invisible, and no one has witnessed what has just transpired. I head home, cry for a bit over my bruised ego, and decide to check the balance in my account to figure what got me in this mess in the first place.
"Your balance is - $162.43." Fuck me. If I'd paid attention to that nagging little voice that told me to forget the cheese, I'd have been out the door without a hitch. Fucking Kraft parmesan. If those conniving little bastards at Phillip-Morris didn't charge so much for their crappy canned cheese, I never would have had to hear the word "shoeses". I loathe them. I WILL make them pay. Somehow, someway, they will suffer for this.
Life lessons I gained from this experience:
1. If you choose not to carry cash, always know the balance in your account to the penny.
2. Never let your husband go to Wal-mart unsupervised.
3. When you forget an item at the grocery store, DO NOT, under any circumstances, go back for it. Especially if that item is a six-fucking-dollar can of grated cheese.
Fuck.
User Reviews
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-05 22:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grocery store adventures are always a hit.
For example, I once asked a guy working there where the Gatorade was. I was standing next to it.
That had about as much to do with your story as the shoeses.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-05 17:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed the anecdote.
Cryopaul - I know exactly what your point was and your math was correct by your logic. Good move on avoiding blowing up the issue; I'm just letting you know I knew what you were talking about, I was slightly confused by the negative sign as well.
Submitted by abefroman42 (user info) at 2004-08-05 17:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for shoeses
Submitted by zafiro (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well Done.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:29:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
So by your logic, they would let me overdraw $162, but not $164? And you're an engineer? WOW.
Be pissed off all you want, I'm not the one who got on my high horse about not having overdrafted since I was 17. Get over yourself dude.
You know what, I don't even know what we're arguing about. And I'm sorry you took offense to my comment about my overdrafting (no sarcasm intended). Also, I don't understand your comment about overdrawing $164. And finally, I never insulted you or meant to so I didn't appreciate the fact that you did twice.
I'd rather not make any enemy's on uber so please accept my apology for offending you. And if I sound like an ass then I apologize for that too.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:17:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
"Your balance is - $162.43."
To me, an engineer, this looks like -162.43 (negative). So I thought you had only $2 in your account and overdrew by 162. No need to be a bitch about it though. I'd won't say anything else because you already pissed me off.
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So by your logic, they would let me overdraw $162, but not $164? And you're an engineer? WOW.
Be pissed off all you want, I'm not the one who got on my high horse about not having overdrafted since I was 17. Get over yourself dude.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always have a credit card or 3 handy.
Good story, well written. I hate you a little though, because you reminded me that I have to go to the grocery store after work today and I'm not looking forward to it at all.
L
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah I hate people staring at me I probably would have freaked out
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I always use cash, credit and checks are just more work than they're worth.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Your balance is - $162.43."
To me, an engineer, this looks like -162.43 (negative). So I thought you had only $2 in your account and overdrew by 162. No need to be a bitch about it though. I'd won't say anything else because you already pissed me off.
Submitted by Jamie (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your balance is - $162.43." Fuck me. If I'd paid attention to that nagging little voice that told me to forget the cheese, I'd have been out the door without a hitch."
Okay confusion gone. That fucking Dash you put before the dollar amount confused the shit out of me. I've had neg balances before so I know it's possible and probably very common.
Fuck fucking processed shitty cheese.
Submitted by Jamie (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Say if your balance was -6 or whatever it cost for the cheese, then it wouldn't been the cheese's fault
_________________________________________________________-
WOULD HAVE sorry
Submitted by Jamie (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait, so if your balance was -160 whatever the hell it was, the cheese still wouldnt have made a diff.
Say if your balance was -6 or whatever it cost for the cheese, then it wouldn't been the cheese's fault.
Am I wrong?
Funny story though...I fucking hate grocery shopping
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:06:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:50:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't get it. So you had like $2 in your account? I haven't overdrafted since I was 17. So I have no sympathy for people who do it.
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Uh... no. I had $162 in my account - I was $2 short. Do you have a reading comprehension problem, or do you just really suck at math?
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:50:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't get it. So you had like $2 in your account? I haven't overdrafted since I was 17. So I have no sympathy for people who do it.
__________________________
No, Mr. Checking Account Perfection, she had $2.00 less than she needed in her checking account, had
A: Her husband spent less at Wal Mart
or
B: she hadn't gotten the parm. cheese, her grocery total would have been fine.
Lord
Good story.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-08-05 16:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Just_me_and_the_cats (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there. Very good tale.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:41:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's a life lesson - it's called an overdraft line of credit.
Use it. Live it. Love it.
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If that's a debit card, that won't help. Most of them have a max per day. With about $165 in groceries, plus a trip to walmart, it's very possible that limit could have been exceeeded.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:50:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't get it. So you had like $2 in your account? I haven't overdrafted since I was 17. So I have no sympathy for people who do it.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's a life lesson - it's called an overdraft line of credit.
Use it. Live it. Love it.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do the same. I have two checking accts. One for bills where I use checks
and one for everyday things where I use my card..
I hate being declined. I feel like an asshole.