I Love the Smell of Toner in the Morning (880 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Legitch (View user info) at 2004-08-06 00:05:43 EDT
I am an accountant. No, not the type of accountant that probably pops into your head , looking out at your from behind a wall of bank statements and tax forms, working their ass off to keep the IRS dogs at bay. I'm not that kind of accountant at all.
In fact, I'm terrible at math. I tried to figure out what 20% off of a $20 shirt was in a store, and I miserably failed to come up with the right answer. I guessed $18.
I do "Accounts Receivable," and to anyone who has ever tried to get a refund at a department store, you will know that every company that deals with a large volume of customers has an Accounts Receivable and an Accounts Payable department. I don't work for a company that deals with the direct public, I work with a company that provides services to machinery and fastener companies. As Accounts Receivable, I have the great pleasure of hassling people for their debts, setting up bank deposits, and coordinating the accounting data entry.
In general, I have an easy job. I don't do any real work, I just push a mouse around, type a bit, and make a few phone calls. And then, there's the copy machine.
The fucking copy machine.
You wouldn't assume that I spend much time making copies doing what I do, but I find myself there often enough each day to have sparked off a hatred for that machine which would be the beginning of a war of the machines.
It started off simply enough. I needed to make some copies of some sales tax certificates, and I approached the machine with the gusto and confidence of a blind cat walking into a room full of hungry rottweilers. I didn't see it coming. I popped the papers in the oh-so-convenient paper feeder, expecting this machine to preform its commanded task and spit out some replicas for me.
*pop*
*Click*
WHRRRRrrrrrrr
"Hey, does this copier double as a paper shredder??!"
"No, why do you ask?" my boss replied.
"Uhhhh... Nevermind...." I laughed sheepishly and wadded the strands of what used to be my sales tax certificates into my fist. The paper seems so small and compact when it's in one piece... But this wad was huge. I stuffed it in the bottom of the trash can, hoping that no one would notice that the certs were missing, and more importantly, that no one would trace it back to me if they did realize they were gone.
I muttered under my breath, "Tricksy machine"
"Huh?" my boss shouted.
"I said I'm going on my lunch break"
"Oh, ok, have a good one!"
Stupid machine. I gave it a contemptuous look as I rounded to corner to the kitchen area. I brooded for my lunch hour on how to exact my revenge. Images from Office Space came to mind. What a great movie.
Unfortunately, I didn't come into contact with that bastard machine for the rest of my afternoon and couldn't jam a pen into the feeder or sever the cord or any other horrible idea I may have catered to.
But then there was Thursday. I needed a copy of some bank statements for filing, and found myself face to face with the copy-beast once more.
But I had a plan. I grabbed a decoy page, a page I printed from my computer that had no relevance to my job. I pretended to slip the bank statement in, pulling a last second, unseen switcheroo.
*pop*
*Click*
Vvvrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm
It... COPIED IT!?! HA! Wait. It worked? It's not shredding my papers? Ok, lets try with the statement.
*pop*
*click*
WHRRRRRRRRrrrrrrr
GAH! My bank statement!! How the hell is it shredding these? How does it KNOW???
I stood there. There was an electricity sparking between me and the machine. I looked up at me smugly, daring me to put in more official documents. I looked back at it, puffing my chest outward in the hopes that I might intimidate it. It was only 8:30 in the morning, and we had already declared war. The machine winked at me.
Huh? Winked? There it was. There was my window of opportunity. The little status display began winking "LOW TONER LOW TONER", like a searchlight breaking though a heavy fog. Oh, this bitch was mine now.
I grabbed a toner cartridge from the supply cabinet and read the instructions. I shook the cartridge. I pulled the tab and removed the ribbon. I would have held it upright and placed it correctly in the machine, but I just couldn't bring myself to have mercy on this infernal minion of Satan. So I took the pen from behind my ear (no, not all accountants keep pencils behind their ears, some of us more suave ones carry a pen), and jammed it with all my might into the little thin plastic circle that burst like bubblewrap. Except this bubble was full of inky toner.
Oh, the smell, my friends. And the mess. But that didn't stop me. I put the quickly dripping cartridge into the bad, bad copy machine and shut the flap. My hands were covered in the nasty substance, which surprisingly disappeared when I rubbed it off. I guess it's a heat reaction... I don't know, I'm an accountant, not a chemist. Anyway, back to my story.
The copier looked at me balefully, as a wounded animal looks up at its hunter, knowing that it's on its last leg of life. I grabbed my shredded up documents and shoved them deep into the trash. I didn't want the investigation that was sure to follow finding my motive. I grabbed a fresh piece of paper, inserted it into the feeder of the dead-machine-walking, and then pressed the button of mechanical apocalypse.
*PoP*
*CLIck*
Whhhhhrrrrrrrrrrffffpppppp
I love the smell of toner in the morning.
User Reviews
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-06 18:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Toner Explosion!
Submitted by squattailyousuckmyballs (user info) at 2004-08-06 12:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by Kimbo <kim.at.prismnet.com> at 2004-08-06 10:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I work in AR, also. It's... brilliant.
Hard to believe this is your first post. Very well done!
Submitted by H-bomb (user info) at 2004-08-06 10:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-06 10:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You probably love the smell of ass, too.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-06 09:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am glaring at our copy machine now while I try to pop out the centers of the holes it ALLMOST punched in this documnet.
Submitted by burko (user info) at 2004-08-06 09:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-06 09:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are my example to show to the new people of what to do.
You get no "dear Mother Fucking Newbie" comment.
You get a "great Job" a "welcome to uber" and a "I want to have your babies."
Submitted by Legitch (user info) at 2004-08-06 08:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, thanks for the great welcome to the board, I know I'm one of the lucky ones not to get blasted my first post. But, in the light of the "perfect score" going on, I wasn't sure weather to reply-rate my post with a 0 or a +2. So what the hell, let's be self indulgant and give myself a +2....
ubmitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:36:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Either way Evren, you just blew his score.
...
***********ahem*
HER score, thanks.
Submitted by SumYumGuy (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:43:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because the copier at my old work caught fire when i tried to copy some liability waivers for some kids. entirely true
************
That's great! All the events in this article are true, though I may have exaggerated the facial expressions of the copier machine.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-06 08:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I had a dollar for every time that this happened to me this year, I could but you all a round of drinks.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-06 08:28:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GENERALLY ACCEPTED ACCOUNTING PRINCIPLES WOO!!
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-08-06 08:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Luddites of the world unite!!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-06 03:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-06 02:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually am an Accountant, certifed in Canada. This is true.
Congrats, stick around.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-08-06 02:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-06 02:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most pieces of office equipment come pre-programmed to self-destruct the day after the warranty ends.
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:45:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops, if this made the score go down, im sorry. I shouldn't have said anthing stupid like that anyway.
Submitted by SumYumGuy (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because the copier at my old work caught fire when i tried to copy some liability waivers for some kids. entirely true
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, everyone gave a 2 but you. It's no longer a flat 2. I guess that's how it works.
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:36:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Either way Evren, you just blew his score.
...
--------------------------------------------------
But I already gave his post a +2. Does a 2+0 bring down his score? oops.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Either way Evren, you just blew his score.
...
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
On a completely unrelated topic, (I do this to much.) does anyone know who i am? I know that I havent posted yet, but I still review alot, and I was just wondering if anyone has heard of me.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-08-06 01:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Employee vs copy machine...
excellent.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-06 00:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not too bad... but the topic is sadly worn.
not to bitch, but ive heard way too many stories about copy machines to make me truly entertained.
anyway, it was good.
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I detest the copiers at my job. There's 3 within rubber band shooting distance from my desk that never work. I always end up having to make copies in another department, who tend to view my department as the "black sheep" of the center. Hoity toity bitches.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fine example of a first post.
Good stuff
Welcome to Uber
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Esc F1F2F3F4 F5F6F7F8 F9F10F11F12
`1234567890-= Backspace
Tab qwertyuiop[]
Caps lockasdfghjkl;' Enter
Shift zxcvbnm,./ Shift \
Ctrl Alt s p a c e Alt Ctrl
LOLOMG I JUST DREW A KEYBOARD!!!1!11one OMGWTF!
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, reminds me of Office Space. Good Job.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Computors and printers. When they are good they are very good, when they are bad they are horrid!
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:18:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes!
Submitted by kukd85 (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All copy machines are the devil...I feel your pain
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was EXCELLENT! Welcome to Uber!