Who hires these freaks? (1281 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.9 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AshK <alkite at gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-06 12:58:35 EDT
Two days ago I phoned our internal help desk with an internet issue, namely I have lost access to certain websites that I use from work and am getting a 403 Forbidden error. It is mildly disturbing to me that UBER is not "Prohibited by Organizational Policies", but the site for my corporate credit card is. There are only about 15 people in the office with internet access and everyone is having this issue, so after talking with our in office IT guy it was determined that the Help(less) desk should be contacted, and I won the prize for contacting them. Oh for joy.
Ring.
Dip Shit Woman: Helloitgserviceandhelpdeskthisisurglyburglywhatthefuckhowcanihelpyou?
Me: Yes, I need to report a security access problem with my internet.
DSW: UserIDworkstationaddressandcubeplease.
Me: U1234567, l47nnnnn, Mattoon office we don't have cube numbers
DSW: U12....?
Brain: Christ
Me: U....1.....2.....3...
DSW: Wait, wait, it is U12U123?! That isn't a valid ID ma'am, call back when you have the correct information. Click.
Brain: What the Fuck?!
Me: What the Fuck?!
Brain: Deep breath in, exhale..... We can do this, dial it again.
Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring
Help(less) Desk: It is Tuesday August 2, 2004 and we are experiencing unusually high call volumes, your call is important to us so please stay on the line for the first available representative.
Brain: Shit, I should have taken that piss first...
HD: (14 minutes and lots of staticky muzak later):
Helloitgserviceandhelpdeskthisisurglyburglywhatthefuckhowcanihelpyou?
Brain: No fuckin' way, this can NOT be happening.
Me: I need to report an internet security issue.
HD: UserIDworkstationaddressandcubeplease.
Brain: Heh heh, we are prepared this time bitch.
Me: U.....1......2.....3.....4.....5......6.....7....
HD: Great! sotheuseridisU1234567?
Brain: Yes!
Me: Yes. My workstation address is...L.....4.....7.....N.....N.....N....N....
HD: Okandyourcube?
Me: Our location does not have cube numbers.
HD: ummmmm no. cube. numbers?
Brain: wow! She does slow down!
Me: Yes, we don't have cube numbers. I am located in the back office.
HD: oh. well... What floor?
Me: There is only one floor in this building Ma'am.
HD: Ok, so like you are on the first floor?
Brain: GAK!!!
Me: Yes.
HD: Uh...well, like where on the first floor?
Brain: This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening.
Me: I am in the back office; it is in the back of the building.
HD: Ok, so like to the left back or right back?
Me: Ma'am, there are only 100 employees here; if someone has to visit the site, I am sure the security guard can lead them back.
Brain: Or they could walk towards the back of the building...
HD: oh...well ok. So, your monitor is broken?
Brain: huh?
Me: No, monitor is working fine; I am having an issue accessing certain internet pages. I can still access...
HD: Oksoyourinternetisntworkingyourticketnumberis: yourareabouttotbefuckedbutjustdon'tknowityet5678
CLICK
Brain: ARGH! This is going to be bad.
Fast forward through 2 days of no access to these sites that are so important that I am not sure if I lost access this week or last week. Or maybe the week before....
Er...
That isn't the point!
Ring
Me: Learning and Development this is Ashley.
About to die computer guy: Hello missy, I am Russ and I am callin' to fix your computer problem. I have your help desk ticket number yourareabouttotbefuckedandprobabllyaregettingaclueaboutthat5678
Side note. My husband's ex wife's name is Missy. Enough said.
Me: Hello Russ, my name is Ashley glad to hear from you.
Russ: All right, so you can't connect to the internet?
Me: Actually, I can connect to the internet with no problem and can access sites like Mapquest and CNN
Brain: and Uber and eBay and itsyourturn.com and...
Me: but within the last 2 weeks I have lost access to my corporate card account, the travel agency and other websites. I am getting a 403 Forbidden error.
Russ: Ok, so what happens when you type www.dinersclub.com?
Me: I get a 403 Forbidden error.
Brain: Echo, echo...
Russ: allrighty then, well missy it seems your internet is down.
Brain: eh no dipshit, my internet connection works fine.
Me: Well, Russ I can still access certain pages, so I don't really think my internet is down.
Russ: You can?
Me: Yes.
Russ: you sure now, missy because if you can access certain pages, that would mean your internet isn't down.
Brain: dingdingdingdingding we have a winner.
Me: Yes, Russ I am sure.
Russ: Well, allright darlin' type in www.blue.com. You get that 403 right?
Me: No, I get a website about travel in the arctic.
Brain: wooo, cool site, click favorites--->Add---->travel.
Russ: Well missy, you called the wrong place then. Ya see sweetheart, if you can pull up some pages and not others then there is nothing wrong with your browser. Because when you can pull up some pages, the browser and internet connection is fine. I just can't help ya out here, I'm sorry you called the wrong department missy because your browser is fine. I know this is all pretty technical but your browser is ok, so I can't help you sugar. You should have talked to data security, but I'll tell ya what I will go ahead and pass this along to them so you don't get it confused again.
Brain: Red alert Red alert, Language Censor, man your station NOW, she is going to blow in 3....2...1...
Me: Well, maybe it has slipped past you, Russ that I didn't call you, Russ, the help desk gave you this ticket, Russ. I didn't think there was a browser issue, Russ, I had that part all figured out on my own, Russ. I appreciate you passing the information to data security, but maybe you should talk to the help desk about confusion. I don't seem to be experiencing any issues in THAT particular department.
Click.
Brain: Whew!
Language Censor: Whew!
Me: fuckingbastard.
Anyone want to place bets on how long this will take to resolve?
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-09 15:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber keeps failing on me. My IT guy won't help me out with that I fear.
grumbles and mutters
<must be last reviewer on every AK post>
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-03-09 14:15:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I rung my accounting software support the other day- my company pays for this service. I thought we fixed the problem and everything was fine until my accountant rung me and had kittens over the phoen, turns out i made a grevious error and it's going to cost me heaps for my accountant to fix it. Not only dsoes it piss me off that MYOB support got it WRONG and they're morons, but i used to work as a junior accountant and I know how much they overcharge.
Sheesh.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-09 13:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-09 13:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Working for small associations has its benefits. I just yell our IT guys name when I need something. And then he yells back for me to leave him alone.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-26 13:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually purposefully stayed away from this story because I was a Helpdesk Tech for close to a year prior to getting my current position but something kept bringing me back to this post.
I love the way you see things, it gives your writing a unique quality.
(I was a kickass helpdesk guy btw)
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"That said, sounds like you got lumbered with a real spankjob there. We're not all like that. Honest"
I am 100% convinced that this is true. I am also 100% convinced that our helpdesk is the glaring exception to anything good in the tech support world.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-08-25 19:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 because I have read 100 of these stories
+1 because it made me smile.
+1 for this.
"Brain: Shit, I should have taken that piss first... "
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-25 18:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:14:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny, too typical.
I expect you'll have a new monitor by September.
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That comment made me laugh until I peed.
Out of my nose.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-25 18:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As someone who has spent serious time fielding "MY MONITOR IS BROKEN!!!....uhm, oh no, I just didn't switch it on" calls, allow me to say this:
It's not the helpdesk you need to be mad at, it's the cock holsters that can't work a simple a machine and pester the helpdesk like a plague of locusts, day in, day out, until they finally snap and start sharpening a chair leg at both ends and they're beeping and flashing...and beeping...and flashing....AND I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!! I CAN'T STAND IT!!!
It's ok...I'm alright...I'm fine...
Anyway, where was I? Remember that no matter how clued up you are, there are 500 other callers who couldn't change a lightbulb without somebody holding their hand. In the eyes of the helpdesk guy, everyone becomes a retarded chimp after a while.
That said, sounds like you got lumbered with a real spankjob there. We're not all like that. Honest.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:10:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I rather talk to a computer than real live help desk folks.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Clearly what you need is a rocket scientist, since figuring out the cause of this problem seems to be horribly complicated. Or you could go to Novell's website where you'd quickly learn that the whole point of Novell's BorderManager is to block you from going to websites the company doesn't want you to go to. Sorry, I couldn't resist :-) "
Turd!
The odd thing is, all of my co workers in other offices are not having this problem, just my office, and no one seems to know why. The story of my life here at No Name Big Company, shit happens and no one knows why/admits to fucking up.
Did I mention you are a turd?
Well, you are.
Turd! (if you could see me, you would be amused by the fact that I have given you about 10 raspberries. The gal that sits across from me is amused, anyway.)
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny, too typical.
I expect you'll have a new monitor by September.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:11:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-06 14:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:10:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate help lines. they suck ass and take hours or days to get shit fixed right
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Yes, every last one of them. They all suck. Asshat.
Clearly what you need is a rocket scientist, since figuring out the cause of this problem seems to be horribly complicated. Or you could go to Novell's website where you'd quickly learn that the whole point of Novell's BorderManager is to block you from going to websites the company doesn't want you to go to. Sorry, I couldn't resist :-)
By the way, that proxy access site below has ads at the top. I've never had to use it, but I'm sure they are all trying to sell you sex and viagra. I didn't see any pictures though. And I know I sure as hell wouldn't put my bank and credit card information into it, but you should be able to use it for any other sites that are affected.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-06 14:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-06 14:49:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Give this a shot: http://www.proxify.com/
-----------------------------------------------------------------
wooo!
Oh my.
The possibilities are endless.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-06 14:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give this a shot: http://www.proxify.com/
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-08-06 14:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It sounds as though you really had the wrong geek on the line, missy.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2004-08-06 14:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-06 14:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it!
Someone needs to reconfig your firewall or network policy.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:41:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, right on. That's the kind of stuff I went through when I started working here at MegaGroup (don't wanna incriminate myself or anything). As of late, they have been really quick, although I've definitely been connected to the wrong group on many an occasion..
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You guys are hysterical.
One: I checked my proxy settings before I called the Help desk than you so much! Ha! <insert obnoxious funny face here>
Gamma: The info about Brazil could come in handy. Do you have to get pregnant by a Brazilian or just have the baby there? I need to perfect my plan.
Lucky for the help desk, they are in Chicago and I am 3 hours South of them. I am planning to gas up my little car and head up there tonight. I just happen to have a chainsaw in my trunk...mhuahahaha.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha... I feel for you.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My internet connection is fucked up too. For some reason some sites won't come up at all, while others will get about halfway up, then stop. Fortunately Ubersite is just fine. I just wish I didn't have to hit refresh 70 times to get CNN to come up.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing that a 3lb sledgehammer couldn't fix.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate novell. Did you know that if you hold both alt buttons down and then power on your machine, you have full admin access? Well, that trick worked in high school 8 years ago, so try it anyway and thank me later.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok missy, first you need to throw your computer out the window and hold your hand out like a claw afterwards. Then you have to run to the helpdesk location with a knife. Use it as you see fit. When you're done, cackle, howl at the moon, then run off into the woods. You might want to come to Canada, then promptly board a flight to Brazil, and have a child as fast as you can. Having a child in Brazil protects you from being extradited.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate help lines. they suck ass and take hours or days to get shit fixed right
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, missy, i want to check your proxy settings, ok missy? Beacuse you know, missy, sometimes those can get mixed up. Do you see what I'm saying, missy? You need to just take a quick peek at those settings, missy.
Don't hurt me. I swear it's just in fun.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-06 13:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good laugh