First Date Horror Stories: Tom (3927 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.9 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-08-06 15:09:37 EDT
I liked the concept of relating bad first date tales that iddqd proposed in http://www.ubersite.com/m/28982, so I figured I'd write about one and put up a Tom post at the same time. Please try to keep in mind that this post is altogether anecdotal; that is to say, it was pieced together from eyewitness accounts wholly after the fact. I was not there. I am not Tom. I say again, I am not Tom. I just want to make that clear at the outset.
To get the prologue out of the way: Tom and Stacy hit it off at a party through a friend of a friend (as these things often happen) and decided to go out on a date. Tom really liked the girl and wanted to impress her a bit, so he decided to take her to one of the nicer restaurants at one of the nearby ski mountain resorts.
They arrived and everything started out splendidly. He held out her chair for her, complimented her dress, lit her cigarette. He did just about everything he could do to make their date a pleasant one. The conversation was rolling along nicely. They had a lot in common, and they seemed to genuinely like each other, so of course something catastrophic had to happen to ensure the date was a total fucking disaster.
The wine steward arrived, and Tom realized fairly quickly that ordering a beer wasn't going to cut it there. Unfortunately, he didn't know anything about wine, so he deferred to Stacy at that time. He was surprisingly up front about his lack of knowledge.
Tom: "Um, I'm not really up to speed on wine, do you have a preference?"
Stacy: "Wow, Tom, you're surprisingly up front about your lack of knowledge of wine (sic). I like that. Well, I really like merlot, it's a little sweeter than most. It's pretty good for people who aren't used to drinking wine."
Snooty Wine Steward: "Well, in a merlot we have blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, and blah-blah-blah.
Obviously, Tom had no idea what to pick, so Stacy just said, "Honestly, any one of those would be fine. How about the blah-blah-blah?
Tom: "I'm sure that'll be fine."
The wine came, the dinner came, they ate, they drank, they had a remarkably pleasant evening. They stayed there a good two hours, laughing and talking and just enjoying each other's company. When it came time to leave, the waiter brought out the bill in that black leather receipt-holder book thingy, set it down at Tom's elbow, and walked away. Tom and Stacy continued to talk while Tom casually flipped over the cover of the book with a finger.
Stacy: "You know, Tom, there's really no reason we can't just take a walk aft-"
Tom: "WHAT THE FUCK!!!"
Tom and Stacy both jumped up out of their seats as the place became deathly still. Stacy had a look of shock on her face, but Tom's mug turned an alarming shade of purple, and he looked like he was about to stroke out. He held up the receipt book and pointed at it with one meaty purple finger.
Tom: "MATANZAS CREEK MERLOT A HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!!!"
The maitre d' came sprinting up to the table from the front of the restaurant with a look of fear on his face. He whispered quickly in a feeble attempt at getting Tom to lower his voice.
Maitre d': "Excuse me sir what seems to be the problem here?"
Stacy: "I think we just had a misunderst-"
Tom: "THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOUR BUDDY FUCKED ME HE PUT A HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE DOLLAR BOTTLE OF WINE ON OUR BILL!!"
Maitre d': "Well sir we provide the wine list to our customers so you can best make the decision about which wi-"
Tom: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING STUPID!!"
Maitre d': "No, of course not sir, please calm down you're causing a sce-"
Tom leaned over and with one mighty sweep of his arm violently brushed the entire contents (dessert plates, ash tray, candles, etc.) of the table onto the floor with a colossal smash and started truly Shrieking Like A Berserker.
Tom: "DON'T TELL ME TO FUCKING CALM DOWN TELL YOUR WINE STEWARD TO CALM DOWN HE FUCKED ME HE DIDN'T TELL ME THE WINE WAS FUCKING A HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!!!"
Maitre d': "Sir, please you're making a scene I don't want to have to phone the police please just pay your bill and le-"
Tom: "MAKE THAT FUCKING SKANK PAY FOR IT!!"
And he stood there, pointing straight at Stacy with another fleshy digit. Stacy just stood there, shocked into complete immobilization, unable to speak or flee for her life. Finally, Tom screeched in a completely horrific and incoherent fashion and dashed straight through the astonished crowd and out the door, leaving Stacy utterly alone to find her own way down the mountain and back to school.
When Tom arrived back in the apartment, I asked him how his date went.
Tom: "Fine."
Surprisingly, There was no second date.
User Reviews
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-03-28 03:43:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mother Hubbard........
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-09-24 15:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor sot.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-09-24 15:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You shouldn't have yelled, I mean it was your girl who actually ordered it, right? Yell at her. Oh, I mean... "Tom" shouldn't have yelled ;).
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-24 15:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Listening to Nas (Stillmatic), drinking wine and reading Tom stories taht I have purposefully saved.
Almost makes the pain in my ankle go away.
Almost.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 09:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 20:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that's serious issues...
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-22 16:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could think of nothing better to do today than to read every Tom post I could find.
Brilliant! - love that guinness commercial.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:05:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-09-23 18:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-08-11 12:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:58:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
BB - That's the response I was looking for.
----------------
Clerks. randle's (i think it was him) cousin. please correct me on this one.
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I think it's Jay's cousin, could be Silent Bobs, it's one of them though. Oh, and kick ass story jimbo.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about jimbo
User id: 2803
Registered on or around: 2003-09-29 10:30:45
# Messages posted: 51
# Reviews written: 851
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 1703
# Hits: 111111
Average rating of all messages: 1.60
============================================
Look at your hits. I'm not making that up. Bizarre.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-09 17:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom: "MAKE THAT FUCKING SKANK PAY FOR IT!!"
Tom sure does know how to snake his way out of a check.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-08 13:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 of course.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-07 15:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-08-07 13:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Jesus Lord Almighty Christ.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-07 13:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still laughing as I write this.
Fucking gold jimbo.
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2004-08-07 01:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet sassy molassey.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-08-06 21:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-06 18:16:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
You could always have her killed, too!!!
________________________________________________
Shlongy, you make me seriously want to -2 everything you do for this offense. Tom stories get no less than a 1. Ever.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-06 18:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best Tom story yet.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-06 18:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You could always have her killed, too!!!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-08-06 18:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-06 17:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JIMBO DAMMIT! Is that really Tom?
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still wonder if this guy exists, not that I care if you are making him up.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold, as always.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sucks to be Stacy.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
belisimo!
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm more impressed with Tom's antics with each passing post!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHHAA
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
buahahaha
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, it's a race. Who will post the 300th review of my Cows story?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TICKING CLOCK - BERSERKER!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY COCK - BERSERKER!
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MAKING FUCK - BERSERKER!
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my bad. +2
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BB - That's the response I was looking for.
----------------
Clerks. randle's (i think it was him) cousin. please correct me on this one.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, obviously.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to write a fucking book. ill buy that shit.
-BongZilla
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"leaving Stacy utterly alone to find her own way down the mountain and back to school."
This didn't happen at Beano's Cabin on Beaver Creek, did it?
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I just winged it from what I could remember on the BERZERKER thing.
BB - That's the response I was looking for.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If that's really them. . . He looks so nice and normal, she would never suspect. This guy is fucking insane.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-06 15:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PMJ it's
My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER
Do you want some making fuck, BERZERKER
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:19:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
"My love for you is like, BERZERKER!"
"I want ot make fuck with you, BERZERKER!"
"Did he just say 'When we make fuck?'"
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when I read these posts, I am always giggling with delight, gleefully waiting for the inevitable Tom explosion.
NO UR QUEER
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My love for you is like, BERZERKER!"
"I want ot make fuck with you, BERZERKER!"
Submitted by savethepunks (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea! Berzerker Shrieking is always the tops.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, man.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo, you do realize that you are making Tom famous. Is that a pic of him in this post? He may now very well be bombarded for autographs and locks of hair...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom rules!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh... Tom + J-Date = hilarity.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-08-06 15:12:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I. Have. To. Meet. This. Guy.