Standardized Tests - Testing More Than Your Knowledge (526 hits)
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Submitted by Legitch (View user info) at 2004-08-06 21:24:04 EDT
I took the SAT test several years ago. About 4 years, in fact. But unlike all the other school related tasks I preformed four years ago, the day I took my SAT still stands out in my mind. I don't remember much of the actual test, except for one of those word association questions which really pissed me off. "Affidavit is to Sister as Archipelago is to:______" What? You mean there is some sort of relationship that ties these absolutely random words together? I don't remember what I answered, but I know I got it right. When I got my detailed score back, I had gotten all of the word associations correct. Damned if I know how.
Aside from the test itself, it was the day surrounding the test that I look back on in a bemused and almost embarrassed way. It really all began a few weeks before the test when I signed up for the testing day.
"What do you mean I have to take the test on a Saturday? That's sleeping time!"
"Ma'am, if you're going to shout, I'm going to get the principal."
Smug bitch. She was a counselor. She had authori-tah. I bet she was a lesbian.
"Ok, ok. So you're stealing my Saturday morning. You had better not expect me to do anything else for you jerks"
"Well, you know that there is a fee to take the exam..."
She had to call the principal.
I wrote them a check and took my free "SAT: A Review for the Test" booklet that came with my registration, and marched back to class. They wasted my advisory period AND they made me pay an ugly sum of money to take a FRIGGIN' TEST on my SATURDAY. What time Saturday morning? Good God, I've never seen daylight on a Saturday before noon. How could people be awake at 7:30 on weekends?
Weeks go by and my test date draws near, completely unnoticed by me. It's the night before my test, and I remember I will need a ride to the school. So I shuffle through my drawer in the search for my phone book and come across that little booklet for review. Hey, I forgot I had that! Wouldn't hurt to do a bit of night-before cramming. I cracked that bad boy open, got through two of the math problems, and fell dead asleep. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my test prep.
The next morning I dragged my ass out of bed and walked straight out the front door. No need to change clothes or even brush my hair. They never mentioned a weekend dress code for the test. I got in my friend's car and kicked the seat back, where I immediately fell back to sleep. When I opened my eyes what felt like 10 seconds later, I was starring up at the prison-like visage of my school. I thanked my friend for the ride and threw myself out of the car with all the effort of an ant trying to heave a boulder over a cliff. My feet were heavy with sleep and I'm certain my brain wasn't up to par for test taking.
I found my way to the cafeteria-area of the school and handed my drivers licence to the crack security team, consisting of one honor-guard student who looked like he had been born with that wedgie, so that they could ensure that it was really me bombing my test and not someone I paid to do it for me.
I walked to a table to wait and saw a bunch of other, more ambitious students with their faces stuffed in "Guide to the SAT" and "SAT for Dummies" books, sweating profusely as they gnawed on their fingernails and counted and recounted their stash of pens and pencils.
Fuck. Pens AND pencils. Were we supposed to bring pens? I thought this was scantron only! Not having the guts to admit I really didn't know what I was doing there, I decided not to ask to borrow a pen. Besides, the looks on these students faces told me quite distinctly that if I bothered them, their skulls would burst out of their foreheads as they tackled me across the table. I wasn't going to push my luck that far.
So I flopped down on a round little seat-lette and yawned and stretched. I laid my head back on the table and hummed to myself a bit. I noticed I was getting some nasty stares from the uptight crowd, but dammit, I wanted to hum. Then Crack Security Wedgie cleared his throat and directed us as to which rooms we would need to disperse for the testing. My room was up the stairs and to the left.
I got up, scratched my ass though my bright pink plaid pajama pants, and saluted Wedgie man as I walked passed him to the stairs. Heh, I'm surprised Wedgie man wasn't wearing a sash or a mock-up police hat. Ah, well, time to get up the stairs. Thud thud thud, step step step, OH SHIT!
I don't know if it was the flip flops I was wearing or the distracting thoughts I was amusing myself with about Wedgezilla, but somehow or another, I managed to forcibly throw myself up the stairs. A toe caught here, a knee banged there, and I had successfully rolled up four or five of the steps. I, being the super suave and ego-salvaging persona that I am, immediately sprung back up to my feet. I saw Wedgie man looking up at me and the entire procession of book-nosed test freaks stopped mid-stair-climb to gape at me.
"Meant to do it, hahaaa. No quicker way to climb a staircase, I always say. No, no, please don't lend me a hand, I'm fine" Oh, good lord, what a fool I am. Oh well, hard part's over, now I'll just grab a seat in the back of my classroom up ahead and no one will give me a second thought.
I turned the corner and attempted to enter the doorway, and BAM! Insult to injury! I had just been laid out by a door frame. No, not the door. We've all hear that cheesy excuse, "Where'd you get that black eye?" "I walked into a door". I couldn't even use that classic. The door was open, and the test administrator teacher was now peering out of it down at my body, laying crumpled on the floor.
"Are you alright, miss?"
"Yeah, I just... hit the door frame. I guess with my shoulder. Didn't expect it to be that close, heh." I should have turned around and gone home after the stairs incident. That should have been my little red flag. I lifted myself from the floor, the body of students who had witnessed the stairs debacle now murmuring something about drug usage behind me.
"I don't do drugs. I'm high on life, baby." Shit, did I just say that? There was no way for me to tell, all the students already had that "You're a fucking retard" look on their faces. Thank god the test didn't have any physical aptitude sections, like standing on one foot or drawing straight lines, or I may have lost an eye.
So we started taking the test, section by section. As most of you will know, it's a timed test. So no matter how quickly I finished each section, I had to wait to start the next one, therefore slowing me down to the same pace as all the other students there. I don't know about anyone else here, but I speed through tests, and I'm almost always finished first. Maybe I have ADD. I'm not sure. But there were long gaps of inactivity following each section of the test I completed, and not a whole lot to do, as I couldn't leave the room or doodle on anything. So, what does a restless idiot do to occupy themself when their only tools at hand are a pencil and their actual hand? The Debater's Twirl.
For those of you who are not in Debate or have named this move something considerably less dorky in your respective towns, the Debater's Twirl is a pencil maneuver where, when hold a pencil between the tips of your thumb and forefinger (like a Frenchman would hold a cigarette), you launch the pencil around your thumb by making a snapping motion with your forefinger. Then you catch the pencil back in the beginning position when it's made a full circle around your thumb. It's amazing. It defies gravity. It's beautiful to watch. It's damn tricky to master. I thought the boring spaces between tests made a perfect time to practice.
*flick* *catch* Ooooh, nice one.
*Flick* *catch* Man, I rock at this.
*FLICK* *Thud* "OW!" Oh, that girl gave me a nasty look. Maybe I shouldn't flick so hard.
I rolled the pencil back towards me across the ground with my foot, the injured girl across the row muttering to herself as she looked back to her paper.
*flick* *catch* That's about right. Lets see if I can do it backwards.
"Kcilf* *drop* Oh, needs a bit more force than that.
"KCILF* *swoosh* *clunk* Eeeek. I hit the administrator in the glasses. Thank god she was wearing those glasses! I could have damaged her eye! Oh, shiiiit.
"Is this yours, ma'am?"
"That pencil? Nooo, never seen it before. Eh heh" I grinned at her sheepishly, hoping she had some sense of humor.
"Please try to keep better control of your personal items." Oooh, cold. Come on now, you didn't lose an eye. Oh well, next section started soon.
I resumed my Debater's Twirl upon finishing the section and managed to throw my pencil at about 5 individuals. When we got to the last section of the test, I finished early and leaned my head back in relief. It was over, and as soon as that timer ran out, I could go home and get some more sleep.
*THWACK* OW! What the? Someone had finished their test and thrown their pencil right at my exposed throat! Son of a! Who was finished? I looked for the guilty party.
*THWACK* *THWACK* More students had finished and thrown their pencils at me. I didn't mean to hit anyone! Why did they want to throw them back at me? Oh I see. This was war, was it?
I looked over at the test administrator with a murderous look in my eyes. She made eye contact with me, put her head back down to the desk to watch the timer, and a smile curled out of the side of her mouth. THAT BITCH! She's on their side! Just because I almost took her eye out ON ACCIDENT?!?! I'm accident prone! That's me! I couldn't help it. *THWACK* OW!
All in all, I had about 10 pencils thrown back at me, most of which hit their mark too well. Where did these kids learn to throw? Oh well. That was four years ago, I apparently scored in the top 10% of the nation, and I still have all those bastards' pencils.
User Reviews
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2004-08-06 23:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm giving this a 0 because I'm not sure how you explained it tested more than your knowledge, and, quite frankly, I'm not even convinced they do that.
However, as a fellow test taker, I can relate to some of this stuff. Watching last minute crammers and laughing (on the inside) at them...Wasting a Saturday...Just being glad to get out of there. Brings back memories. I took my very last SAT on June 5th, 2004. It was fun. And like many others on here, I'm glad that I *barely* got in under the 'old' SAT's. I sucked it up the ass with a 690 on th SAT II Writing, which, I believe, is what is being added to the 'new and improved' SAT I. Enjoy.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-06 23:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bit long.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-06 22:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed.. had I known my Saturday morning would be spent taking the ACT I'd have opted to not take it at all.
Damn you standardized tests.. damn you to hell.
Submitted by mujer_alterada (user info) at 2004-08-06 22:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad I've someone so 'special'. Life makes sense again
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-08-06 22:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I got an 800 on the SATII-MATHIIC. That got me 90th *not 99th* percentile.
But I'm happy as fuck to have been one of the last people to take the soon-to-be-"old" SATs.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-06 21:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Show me your tits or I will revoke your +2.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-06 21:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-06 21:33:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
You're special.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-06 21:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay.
1. This reminds me of a post of mine, part of it at least
2. HOLY FUCKING SHIT as soon as you said debater's twirl I knew exactly what you meant, and I can do it. I spend most of my class time doing the twirl.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-06 21:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're special.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-08-06 21:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
At least you don't have to take the "New" SAT. What kind of bullshit is that?