The Shit In The Shoe (True Story) (740 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.5 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sketch9 (View user info) at 2004-08-06 23:54:56 EDT
I know alot of people here on our great ubersite have written about someone completely crazy (tom, cousin dano, etc.). I know if I said I had a friend with no common sense and a few mild judgement problems that gets him into crazy situations, I'd be marked with the worst n00b shame of all, stealing ideas. The only thing is, I really do have a friend like that. Call shenanigans if you want, but any stories I tell about him are completely true, no matter how ridiculous they may seem.
My buddy's name is Bruce. His last name isnt important, but I'll include it anyway. Bruce Benzie. His phone number is 323-6218. He lives at..... wait, that isnt important. What is important is the crazy and just plain stupid things Bruce has done over the years. Ill tell just one of his stories (so i have some material for later.)
Sopohomore year in highschool. About midway through the year. Sometime after christmas.
Bruce had swim class with one of our mutual friends Andy. Andy happens to be my cousin, and, although its neither relevant nor am I proud of it, I figured it should be included. One one particular day, the clouds outside shooting electrons to each other, Andy left a giant shit. From what i hear, it was about the width of a popcan. Thats probably not true though. Ill go for 1.5 red bull cans. How he could squeeze out such an incredible amount of human shit at one time, ill never know. He left that rotten, rancid log sitting there in the toilet to stink and fester. Flush? Bah. Andy was above it. He didnt need no steenking badges, and he didnt need no steenkin flushes either. He really should have thought about his steenking shit with Bruce around though.
Bruce had swimming class with a retard. His name is Cody. He's probably not retarded, but his mom had him when he was fourteen and was drunk every day of the pregnancy (I learned that from a teacher. score.). Either way, Cody was slow. Not so slow that he couldnt talk or anything, just slow. He talked slow, he walked slow, he thought slow, and probably drooled slow too. Cody had one of those "retard voices". You know when people are imitating someone with a mental handicap? Well that was what Cody sounded like. He was always into Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh and all of that other bullshit. He was annoying as hell too, and would generally get pissed at people for no reason. I used to try to be nice to the kid, we all did, but after five years it was getting to be a little much. He'd call people gay or faggots all the time and generally dug his own grave. Nobody would ever do anything to Cody though, nobody except for Bruce.
Bruce had put up with Cody's shit long enough. Constant annoyance and pure raving lunacy probably drove him to it. All I know is, Bruce snapped. He didnt physically harm him. Bruce isnt like that. Bruce will hit you when you're least expecting it, but he'd never actually hit you.
He snuck out a little early from swim class, and, seeing the massive log left in the toilet, Bruce hatched a plan. A plan so devious that Mr. Devious himself wouldnt have been that devious. Or something.
He strolled over to Cody's swim locker and pilfered a shoe, making sure no one was watching him in the process. Onward he slunk, toward the bathroom. He neared the toilet with Andy's gigantic crap floating in it. Bruce would pay back Cody for all the shit he had to put up with (probably not alot) and he'd do it right. Grabbing the toe of the shoe, he quickly scooped up the tremendous log, making sure that the whole of the turd was concealed within the shoe, like a big decomposed organic cobra. He quickly poured the excess water out and replaced the shoe where he found it, took his shower, and waited for his plan to come into action. The class poured into the locker rooms and quickly went about their changing, as no one wanted to *gasp* look at another naked guy. That would be against the queer law.
Cody had is pants and shirt on, and proceeded to put on his socks, when he took a big whiff of the air around him. His face wrinkled into one of disgust. He picked up his shoe, stuck his nose an inch from it, took a big whiff, and pulled it away from his face like it had been covered with SARS. His eyes got as wide as dinner plates as he finally realized what the source of the offending odor was.
"THERE'S FUCKING POOP IN MY SHOE! WHAT THE FUCK!" (now say that in your best retard voice, very loudly. add an echo. there ya go.)
To make a long story slightly shorter, both Bruce and Andy were called to the office, but released on the grounds of lack of evidence. The story spread around the school like wildfire, as they so usually do. Mostly because Bruce was telling it. He had gotten his revenge, and wanted the world to know about it. Cody went the rest of the day barefoot.
And came back to school the next day wearing the same pair of shoes.
User Reviews
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-08-07 19:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your school is so full of shit.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-07 18:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Har Har ruined rating.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-07 00:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nice. true story too, im from westwood. Next to the shit in the urinal it is the funniest thing that has happened.