"Why Can't You Girls Just Play Nice?" (2561 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.92 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-07 09:27:01 EDT
(I was reminded of this little joyfest by this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/40958)
I glared at her as she sat down next to me on the porch and lit the cigarette in her hand.
"That's one of mine."
"Nothing gets past you, does it?"
"Bitch."
"Cunt."
We sat in companionable silence, watching the last of the day drain from the sky. As far as sisters go, mine's not bad - maybe a little strange, but every family needs a lunatic. And seeing as how I'm the essence of normality, it falls to her to fit the role.
She looked up at the porchlight and frowned. "We should turn that off."
"And sit here in the dark? Not fuckin' likely. What's the problem?"
"It draws the moths."
I stared at her. My little sister ate spiders when she was young. Hell, I'm pretty sure I saw her eat one last Tuesday. I've seen her kill a roach by throwing a shoe at it while she was half asleep and drunk. Mice shudder in mousy fear when they hear her name. She had the natural world tamed by the age of five, when she used to dissect frogs, looking for the batteries. My sister is hardcore in the land of the creepy things.
"Moths? You're afraid of the moths? I can just see them... robot moths with killer laser eyes... in flying tanks..."
"It's not funny. The moths here are huge."
We talked for a while longer. It was my first visit to her new place in the middle of nowhere, and I hadn't seen her in a year. Eventually she stood up to go put the coffee on. "You coming in?"
"Nah... I'm gonna have another smoke and vanquish moths for you."
She gave me a small, secret, somewhat worrying smile and went inside, shutting the door behind her.
And then I saw them.
A dozen of what looked like birds, making a beeline for the porch light. What the fuck... birds aren't attracted to light. Are they? Was this some new nocturnal middle-the-ass-end-of-nowhere dwelling bird that -
"Oh, FUCK!"
Moths. Huge moths. They were still five feet away and I could see their faces, that's how fucking big they were. Their fat furry bodies were the length of my palm and when they hit the light, butting against it in terror, I could hear the thudding sound they made. They were beyond ugly.
I stood up, turned, and launched myself at the door, twisting the handle in panic.
Locked.
"Jenny! Open the door! There's these things out here and they wanna eat me!"
I could hear her laughing on the other side. "It's okay, the laser eyes don't work until later on, after the robot tanks arrive."
"It's not funny! I'm sorry, okay? Jesus, let me in... I'm too pretty to die."
She snorted laughter and opened the door. I almost fell inside, caught between giggling hysterically and sobbing in fear.
"They have faces! God... why do you live here? What..."
She squealed and pulled me the rest of the way inside, trying to shut the door. She wasn't fast enough. One of the Lovecraftian horrors fluttered through the door and flew in mad circles above our heads.
Without a word, she ran to the kitchen and returned with a rolled up newspaper and a can of insect spray. I watched her alternately ducking and swinging like a champion at the beast as it hovered and swerved and dive bombed her head, while I dubiously read the can.
"Lyn! Spray it!"
"I don't know... what if I just make it mad? When they're that big, don't they classify as pets? Or mammals? I don't think this stuff'll do it. Also, maybe you shouldn't have locked me outside."
She sank to the floor, beating at her head with the rolled up paper at the terrified THING stuck in her hair. "I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry, get it off get it off get it off..."
I aimed, sprayed, and hit the thing squarely in its ugly, hideously deformed face. It stopped moving and I had a moment of triumph (I am the ruler of the universe! YEAH!) before it flew. At. My. Eyes.
I threw the can of spray at it and knocked it to the floor.
My sister, incoherent and babbling, hit it with the paper again and again and again and STILL it was crawling across the carpet, dragging its broken wings, oozing clear yellow fluid.
I was still near the door. I looked around for something to use and saw the wrench she'd brought in earlier to fix something. I picked it up, knelt on the floor, and hit the moth. Both ends popped and squirted something unspeakable across the floor.
Two voices, raised in identical revulsion: "Oh, fuck......"
It was dead. The beast had been vanquished. We sat there in silence and watched it ooze for a while.
"You killed it."
"Yeah."
"YOU killed it. I couldn't kill it. I'm weak. You're tough. You rock. You killed it."
I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. "Yeah, I so did."
She looked at me. "Well? This carpet isn't going to clean itself."
User Reviews
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-04-28 12:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EWWW. AU moths sound ridiculous. Here in the Eastern US, it's rare I see one much bigger than a quarter. Oh wait, you don't have quarter coins either. sigh.
Is there anyone who isn't fearless in your family? 'Cause it sure doesn't sound like it's you or your sister.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-12-11 17:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Their hairy itchy bodies are the worst part. I can stand wee ones, but bigger then my hand *vomit*
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-11 16:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I found, what I think was a dead moth about nine inchs long and about a foot wingspan when i was helping my dad get the christmas decorations down from the atic several years ago.
I kicked it.
It twitched.
I pissed myself, screamed and fell on my ass.
I'm a manly man like that.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-12-13 02:52:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's nearly 3 a.m. and I'm still awake. So to occupy myself I've been reading your posts for the last hour or so. So yeah. Thanks for that.
Submitted by sis <sismo12345.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-10-12 14:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cannot stand moths. I get bugged about it all the time. Hey when they dive bomb for your head tell me if you like it. I'm not really a bug person, and my sister used to have to come to my rescue all the time. Sisters gotta love em, or kick the shit out of them.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-12 03:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hates moths, they're so annoying.
Submitted by SlowBrains (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christo!! De Pinga!! I fukin hate flying shit!!! Great story! Thanks....I think.
Submitted by spinningaroundme (user info) at 2004-08-15 16:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-08-08 00:24:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Huge moths are a force to be reckoned with. i've heard rumors they actually run the white house.
--------------------------
Those aren't rumours, beneith the ugly, ugly face of George W. Bush is a slightly more attractive moth. I say only slightly more attractive, as in moth terms its hideous.
Great post, +2 for you!
Submitted by not_the_cheesecake (user info) at 2004-08-15 16:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice..... kicker of all moths
Submitted by Wish_I_Were (user info) at 2004-08-15 15:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Camping in Pennsylvania earlier this year, a few friends and I accidentally got high on Raid -- the bugs were fucking everywhere, and we just kept spraying, and spraying, and...yeah. Anyway, this story literally made me cringe and hold myself whilst rocking back and forth. You get a +2 for ridding the world of even one of the little (ahem) buggers. Bastard moths.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-15 14:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Giant robot moths...and Mothman!
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-09 11:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
been there. they can be evil buggers
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Faces, hahahahhahahah!
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She reeled you in with that final few lines huh?
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-08-08 20:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-08-08 19:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Chill. Moths rule.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-08-08 00:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huge moths are a force to be reckoned with. i've heard rumors they actually run the white house.
good story though.
Submitted by Smithstudd (user info) at 2004-08-07 23:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hats off to the slayer
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-07 21:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shitfuck: Master of the compliment that can be construed as both a warm-fuzzy-feeling inducing message of approval, and a form of sexual harassment and rampant misogyny. Beautiful. Not many people can do that, shitfuck; you have my appreciation.
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-08-07 19:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shitfuck- Don't speak on my behalf if you're gonna make an ass of yourself.
I'd rather make an ass of myself personally.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-07 17:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My god, you are one talented bitch.
And I say that with the utmost respect and admiration of both your breasts and mind.
On behalf of all penis-laden beings, thank you.
Now, LET'S FUCK!!!!!!!!!! YYYEEEEAAAAHHHHH BBBBAAAAAABBBBYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-07 17:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't mind killing insects except for their exoskeletons. They crunch, and... Ugghhhhh.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-07 17:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-07 15:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The beast had been vanquished."
Hahaha ohh man...good stuff.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-08-07 14:18:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-08-07 13:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are awesome! I live in a little place called Kamloops, and we actually have our own moth...the Kamloops moth...it looks much like the picture you posted and is the size of a buik.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-07 13:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One day I will give you something that isn't a +2. But not today.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-07 13:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, I want you to read this too and let me know what you think. I know you are a fan of this sort of stuff.
Thanks.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/17428
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-07 13:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:00:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
The absolute second it starts bothering me, Kristen, I'll be sure to holler.
ETS, if I'd wanted to put my foot on its fuzzy, oozing, ugly back, I wouldn't have needed the wrench. I would have just stomped it into oblivion. And felt it struggling under my foot.. those wings smearing its insides all over my skin.. oh, yuck. No. No pictures.
----------------------------------------------------
Oh, you could at least lie to me and tell me their was nakedness and fornication with the moth corpse, couldn't you??? Otherwise, I'll be forced to camp on your post, +2ing it and being a general pervert and nuisance.
Kristen: Is your penis black? Because it looks like your tits are...http://www.ubersite.com/m/40349
HeHeHe
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-07 12:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun to read.
Mmmmmm.........moths.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35082
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-07 12:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you. And hate moths also.
Coyote, we had an Ebola break out? Seriously are you joking? I have no idea....
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-07 12:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bugs are the spawn of the devil.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-08-07 12:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spider eater. cool.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:46:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:39:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
a) you're assuming I'm sober; and
b) I got the point: if you'd just been thinking quickly enough to have killed your sister when you had the chance, at least the moth would have had the common decency not to make you clean the carpet.
__________________
a) You're right. I need to stop overestimating you like that.
b) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:24:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
And of all the people to review, I thought at least you might notice the actual point of the post... fascinating as the moths are.
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a) you're assuming I'm sober; and
b) I got the point: if you'd just been thinking quickly enough to have killed your sister when you had the chance, at least the moth would have had the common decency not to make you clean the carpet.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote, I also mentioned the spiders. And the snakes. And the tourists. Why would I tell you about the moths? "Come visit! We'll drink, I'll cook, we'll play cards, we'll hunt insects..." It'd be self destructive.
And of all the people to review, I thought at least you might notice the actual point of the post... fascinating as the moths are.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Helpful tip when dealing with giant moths: I usually just wait until Godzilla shows up to fight the sucker. They may destroy most of Tokyo in the process, but hey, at least I don't have to get up and find the wrench.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, you told me it was only the octopi that were dangerous and disgusting in Australia. Now there's moths the size of B-52's, and tomorrow you're probably going to mention that minor Ebola outbreak you had last year...
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moths creep me out for no immediately discerible reason. They shouldn't, and yet they do.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-07 11:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The absolute second it starts bothering me, Kristen, I'll be sure to holler.
ETS, if I'd wanted to put my foot on its fuzzy, oozing, ugly back, I wouldn't have needed the wrench. I would have just stomped it into oblivion. And felt it struggling under my foot.. those wings smearing its insides all over my skin.. oh, yuck. No. No pictures.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-07 10:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just don't let my "penis" hear you, electric.
Hey, Circe, let me know if you mind me repeatedly spamming your post with +2's, mkay?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-07 10:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-07 09:38:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Moths are so disgusting. They have this powdery shit on their wings...bleeeeech.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gosh Kristen, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were a girl or something...
Submitted by Walsareck (user info) at 2004-08-07 10:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could lend you an old MG42 if you like. Those things work wonders on unearthily-large critters. Ask my cat, she shouldn't have scared me, now is semi-living proof.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-07 10:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you take it to the taxidermist??? OR at least take pictures of each other standing over it with one triumphant foot on its back............naked?
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-08-07 10:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The very sight of a moth makes me feel all creepy... I hate those little flying fuckers; at night, they all swarm around my porch light and when I let the cat out, they all manage to sneak inside the house. Even if you know they're there, they still get in.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-07 10:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not going to linkwhore, but if you scan my posts, you'll find one called "Eight Legged Freaks". I think you'll understand my pain.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-07 09:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kristen, while that's tempting as hell (who doesn't want to live surrounded by bugs?) I'm the wrong person for the job. A few weeks ago there was a spider the size of a saucer on my wall. I sat in one place for half an hour, staring at it, until someone happened to drop by and I pointed and whimpered until she got rid of it for me.
That someone was, of course, my sister. I'll give her your number.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-07 09:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moths are so disgusting. They have this powdery shit on their wings...bleeeeech.
I'll fly you to Louisiana to live, rent-free, for as long as you want to squash the monster Louisiana bugs for me. We have cockroaches that are 3 inches long and fly, we have furry spiders the size of my palm running amok, and stick bugs. Those things are freaky.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-08-07 09:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
moths are strange things.
Submitted by burko (user info) at 2004-08-07 09:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
You should start a moth exterminator team.Rid the world of them forever.