Beyond the Ring (v2.0) (661 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Boogiefevuh <cowpower.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-08 03:21:02 EDT
Beyond the Ring
"Do you remember the day when people dared to say 'Wrestling is fake?" the old man asked. "Of course you do. But now, thanks to that crime fighting duo, the world has a whole new respect for wrestling. Thanks to The Intimidator and Flex Johnson"
"Wow, grandpa!" exclaimed little Timmy, ecstatically anticipating his favorite story about his favorite heroes. "Tell it again, how they saved America for the first time!"
"Well, Timmy, it all started like this..."
One fateful day in October, 2005, two bodybuilders from central Jersey were given contracts to wrestle in the CAW. wrestling federation. CAW., standing for Crush All Wussies, was right up their alley.
According to all the ladies of the world, they were both mega hunks. The Intimidator was a short Italian man built like a bulldog. He always wore lots of gold outside of matches, and he was known for his ripped muscle shirt that says "The Intimidator" on the front, and "I'm Intimidating" on the back. Being a former football player, Intimidator was the more built of the two. He had somewhat of a stutter when he spoke, which is why his partner Flex Johnson did most of the talking.
Flex Johnson was best known for his gorgeous flowing blonde hair and giant biceps. He was fair skinned, and always wore his gray vest with a green stripe through the middle. Out of the two, despite being slightly weaker, he was the ladies' man.
Their career was average, winning some matches, losing some others. Championships came and went, as they always do in professional wrestling.
"Hey Flex," screamed The Intimidator, as wrestlers always scream, "Lets go ask the boss for another shot at the Tag Team Title." This was a normal event, for it was one of the few ways to get a chance to win a championship. Flex Johnson grunted in agreement, and they made their way towards the office.
Upon opening the door, they saw a masked man (a ski mask, not a wrestling mask) holding a gun to the head of CAW. chairman, Chuck Burly.
"Give me all the mon-" was all the masked man managed, for the next thing he knew, The Intimidator was holding him over his head, as Flex Johnson crushed the gun in his iron grip. Intimidator spun him around a few times for good measure, and then signaled their tag team maneuver, The Muscler. The man was dropped on his head, then picked up for a power bomb, as Flex gave him a neck breaker from that height.
Any normal man would have died on the spot, which is why suspicion was raised when he was writhing in pain on the ground.
"Thanks guys," Mr. Burly said, "but how did he survive?"
"It's simple!" shouted Flex Johnson. "He's a wrestler here in the CAW.!" They pulled off the man's mask, and indeed they were right, for right there before their eyes was Micro Hero, former champion.
"I just needed the money," Micro Hero managed to shout between sparse breaths, "and I would have pulled it off too if it wasn't for you meddling wrestlers!" With that, he was handcuffed and shoved in the back of a police car, bound for downtown.
"Great job, guys!" said the police officer. "Have you ever thought of doing this for a living?" Flex Johnson's face grimaced.
"Wrestling?"
"No, you idiot!" yelled The Intimidator, smacking his partner. "He means fighting crime!"
"Oh," Flex replied. "Fighting crime" He stood there thinking. He thought a good long time, standing in suspended animation. Finally, he seemed as if life returned to his eyes after interminable minutes of attempted deep thought. "Ok."
From that moment, the world became just a little safer. Most would-be criminals were too scared to even attempt a crime, what with their law-breaking brethren all being hospitalized. If you were caught by them committing a misdemeanor, like vandalism, the punishment wouldn't be so bad. Vandals were usually dropkicked, and consequently had less to smile for with the teeth they ended up missing. Jay walkers were clothes lined. There's even a rumor about a kid who tried cheating on a test, and was given a pile driver through a desk.
More serious crimes had more serious moves. Bank robbers received elbow drops from the highest point available. Burglars would get stopped in front of the house they just robbed, and get suplexed through what they had just stolen. Muggers received the Sleeper Hold, and usually woke up with all of their money stolen. "A just punishment!" The Intimidator would always exclaim.
"Don't you ever get tired of saying that?" Flex would sometimes ask.
"Nope!"
A year had passed from the day they began crime fighting, and the two were preparing for their trip to the White House, where the president himself wanted to thank them. Things were going to be great, or so they thought, for the dark clouds looming in the distance were beyond their limited perception.
The plane trip went fine, despite The Intimidator's fear of heights, and his longing whimpers for the safety of the ground. As soon as they arrived, they headed straight for the White House.
On the way, they ran across a disheveled looking man in a suit, who bore the perpetual expression of a lost little boy. He greeted them with a handshake. "I would just like to thank you boys for what you've done! From the bottom of my heart, I, former president George W. Bush, I would like to"
At that moment, he was cut off by a Big Boot, followed by a Leg Drop, then the Figure 4 Leg Lock. "Tax cuts, my ass." grunted Flex.
Finally, they arrived, and were met by the press.
"Excuse me, Mr. Johnson, is it true you once won a match with illegal use of a steel chair?"
"The Intimidator, is that your real name or just a wrestling persona?"
"Didn't you once knock out former president, George W. Bush?"
"Were you two ever more than just friends?"
Four massive head butts later, they were all seeing stars, as the two heroes proceeded into the oval office.
Hours passed with countless "thank you's" and a rather dull televised interview. The Intimidator began nodding off to sleep, when suddenly he was jarred awake with the sound of glass shattering.
Five figures in black, dressed as ninjas, crashed through the windows. Two of them caught The Intimidator and Flex Johnson by surprise, and put them both in the Hammer Lock. The secret service sprung forward, but stopped in their tracks when the leader of these masked men pulled out a jet black steel chair. The man pointed the chair at the president and shouted "Kick your weapons over, and get on the ground." Unable to put the president's life in such jeopardy, they succumbed to the mad man's demands.
"Why are you doing this?" asked the president.
"Oh, I have an old score to settle." Replied the head ninja, taking of his mask. "and what better way than to humiliate you two on live TV?" Our heroes gasped at the sight of their old nemesis, Micro Hero. "The whole nation will see what phonies you two are!"
He began laughing maniacally. Intimidator began struggling to get out of the hammer lock, as did Flex Johnson, to no avail. "At least tell us your evil plan!" shouted Flex.
Micro Hero's face went blank. "I thought I just did."
Just at that moment of confusion, Intimidator and Flex thrust their bottoms into the groins of their oppressors, the "Butt-Butt," as was their famed method of getting out of holds. The two ninjas crumpled to the ground, their grape-sized manhood crushed into jelly. Before Micro Hero regained his dignity, Intimidator gave him a German Suplex through the president's desk, as flex knocked over two more henchmen with his classic Spinning Heel Kick. The other two goons, seeing what trouble they were in, tried to make a break for it, but were quickly taken down and cuffed by the secret service.
Intimidator was using his weight to hold down the ironic villain Micro Hero, but before Flex could finish the job, the president of the United States of America stood between them. "Wrestling isn't fake!" he shouted, a moment prior to a Presidential Elbow Drop.
Having the wind knocked out of him, Micro Hero passed out. His men were soon all handcuffed together, and lead outside. The only person happier than our heroes was the president, sure to be elected for a second term.
Since then, despite violent crimes having gone up nearly 400%, all other crimes dropped dramatically. The world was indeed a safer place. The end..."
"Wow, grandpa," yawned the redundant child, "it just keeps getting better and better. I bet they locked up that Micro Hero for a good...long...time..." Timmy yawned his last yawns, and fell asleep, as his grandfather tucked him in, and walked quietly to his study.
Upon locking the doors behind him, he opened his closet, unfolded his jet black steel chair, and sat slowly into it, careful of his brittle spine. "I bet they did, Timmy," he whispered to himself with a sneer, "I bet they did..."
More to come...
(I have reposted this so that I could include such touch ups as paragraphing, which made the original rather difficult to read)
User Reviews
Submitted by 2kool4skool (user info) at 2004-08-08 15:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-08 03:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh...you wouldn't believe how many people said Ninja would win. Assholes. Everyone's asleep.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-08-08 03:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A VIKING versus a ninja?
Viking hands down. They're vicious. They're practically ice pirates. That and they shape buffalo skulls into cones and wear them as helmets. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!