What is the worst kind of co-worker? (37712 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.3 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2002-07-19 16:09:35 EDT
My job affords me the opportunity to observe the species Homo Sapiens in its natural habitat on a fairly regular basis... the office. I've noticed that people seem to fall into a number of different patterns, and I'm trying to classify them.
My idea is that when you go to apply for a job, there should be a law which says that the prospective employer must disclose the "Annoying Coworker Index Factor" before tendering any offer of employment. Perhaps you can help me... I'd like to find a system by which they can be rated... perhaps the Archetype Factor (how annoying is this kind of person) and then a rating of 1-10 (How bad is this person on this scale). So an "Angry Grandmother" who is an 8 on the scale has an end total of 16. Maybe if they fit into a second archetype as well you add them together (only counting half for the second one). So if they "Angry Grandmother" of rating 8 is tacked on with the "Brown Noser" of rating 5 (AF 1.0) you end up with a grand total of 18.5
Here's what I've come up with so far, feel free to add on.
The Angry Grandmother - Archetype Factor 2.0 (Really Annoying)
This worker is really upset by the fact that technology has left her behind. She resents everyone who is younger and gets paid more than her, and is bitter about it. Aside from criticizing whenever possible, she will deliberately pick on bad personal habits as though she had the right to say something. (i.e. Comb Your Hair, stop picking at your cut)
The Buddy - AF 1.25
This guy will come into your office (or cubicle, or whatever) and regale you constantly with the latest stories, jokes, news items, or things he's heard. It seems that he spends more time in your office than in his own. This can be really annoying if you're tyring to post to Ubersite.
The Buddy Mark 2 - AF 1.5
This species of co-worker is like The Buddy in all respects except that he can't remember what stories he's told you so he tells them over and over and over again.
The Brown Noser - AF 1.0
This seemingly normal co-worker waits until management is around to show his true colors. Out of nowhere, this character will suddenly act like he's accomplishing great things when the boss shows up, making everyone else look bad. In addition, he will invariably compliment the boss on something even though everyone including the boss knows that it's bullshit.
The Certified Professional - AF 1.0
This guy is fresh from Microsoft, A+, or Oracle training and he thinks he's god's gift to the tech world. Present him with a real life problem and you can strike this weakling down almost instantly. He still probably makes more than you do.
The Company Man - AF 1.25
This person pays the same lip service to loving the company that you work for as everyone else - only he really believe it. Which can be annoying when management isn't around.
The Incompetent - AF 1.25
'nuff said.
The Incompetent Nutcase - AF 1.5
This person can have any number of different issues, which when added to stupidity means that you end up having to do your work AND theirs. You don't have the heart to get them fired, because they'd probably commit suicide. Some schools of thought have the Incompetent Nutcase in the same genus because of the excessive amount of time you must hear about their personal life.
Anyway, that's the people who are within 50 feet of me... I'll think of more I'm sure but feel free to add your own.
User Reviews
Submitted by 2L82Pray (user info) at 2005-07-22 16:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drama Queen/ Spoiled Bitch/ Control Freak/ Drug Addict
She was given the job back when the company only had 6 employees and one of those was the owner's sister. Until then, she only did warehouse work with a bunch of men. Now, b/c she's the "office manager" and has been there longer than everyone else, thinks she's in charge of everyone and everything. The problem is, she's probably right.
She's rude, abrupt and abrasive with the customers and suppliers. She's rude to everyone else in the office. She dresses poorly b/c she has back problems and can't wear normal clothes. One client mistook her for the cleaning lady. She incompetent making innumerable mistakes daily, but never misses an opportunity to blame it on you if she can get away with it--or hide it if she can. She has an extremely foul mouth. She cannot handle pressure (if she has to do more than 2 things at once and the phone rings she gets angry and stressed out and when SHE'S pissed off and stressed, EVERYONE suffers for it). When she DOES get caught in a mistake you have to watch her brown-nose the President for days on end hanging around the break room "chatting it up" with the boss. But if YOU make a mistake she'll be the first to tattle. She talks about others in the office behind their backs constantly--so you know she's talking about you, too. She HAS to be the center of attention and whenever attention is diverted from her, or she thinks she's losing "power" or "favor" she goes into class-clown/charm/ I'm the Best mode monopolizing every conversation with "amusing" stories of her weekend or her past antics as a Party Queen, or what a great saleman she is. No one finds these stories amusing, but everyone laughs because if they don't, it'll be hell to pay. Whenever any smidge of power or control is taken away from her she goes off the deep end; any change in office policy sends her into a tail spin of anger and sarcasm and talking nasty about the boss. She hides things from the bosses and keep secrets. She's a control freak who cannot bear to have any control or power taken from her. She has, on more than one occasion, deliberatly tried to sabotage co-workers who she thinks are "in favor" or to cover her own ass for her mistakes, which are legion. She's already managed to get at least one person fired (maybe 2) and she's working on number 3 and 4--with 2 others about to quit b/c they can't stand her anymore. If I find another job in the next year, I'll be the next to go.
She acts like a spoiled child-drama queen. She's a back-stabber, a brown noser, and a Bitch. If there was a vote taken among the staff she'd be voted out unamimously (sp). AND STILL THEY WONT FIRE HER. Why? Because she has back problems and is technically disabled and would never find a job anywhere else, that's why. Sympathy. Which, believe me, she uses to her advantage every chance she gets. She is also a prescription drug addict who pops so many pain pills a day one wonders that she can stand upright, much less do her job.And because they, wrongly, believe no one else could do her job.
She is the epitomy of every bad co-worker and all of their traits emalgomated into one back stabbing, mentally unstable, drug addicted Bitch who thinks playing class clown once in a while and being "charming" will get her out of anything-and I do mean ANYTHING. So far, it's worked.
p.s. I love my job and my boss and leaving will be like getting a divorce from someone you still love, but I can't take her anymore. She's causing me to lose time b/c of stress and physical problems associated with it.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-21 15:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-12 01:59:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bozo (user info) at 2004-01-14 18:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How 'bout Mr. I'm getting my MBA and I'm better than you. This lazy do-nothing-all-day co-worker likes to talk about how brilliant he is and how he will someday become a CEO. His work is never of any quality and he always has to fix the crappy work he puts out - sometimes over and over again (lousy incompetent). The problem is that he's fooled many of the higher-ups since he talks about some of the stuff he's heard while dozing off in his classes. I am suprised that he retains anything since he usually cannot last in a meeting that goes over five minutes long. Also, he consistantly whines about having a headache when people ask him questions that involve any kind of thinking. Strange since he can concentrate on articles all day long while surfing the net.
Life has been too good for this loser. Wish they would down-size him out of his job and give it to one of the thousands that would capable and willing to do the work he shouldn't be doing.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-01-02 16:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about the insanely racist asshole who burns your hand with a scalding hot spoon, then laughs at you whenever you drop a plate on the floor? You always can tell how late he is, because you can hear his dumbass speaking at three times an acceptable volume even from the parking lot. You don't know what his actual job is, because he's always just walking around being a fucker, or smoking weed in his car in the parking lot. He makes fun of you constantly for not eating meat, insising that "if you don't eat fish, you must not like pussy."
Anyone else have that guy?
Submitted by mousie662 at 2003-11-30 18:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy who can't speak english and is totally usless
I work in hospitality and these ppl are everywhere, this one particular guy nearly killed an allergic customer last week becuase he couldn't understand the question "does this have peanuts in it?" of course totally incompentant non english speaker answered no! and it did.
Submitted by mousie662 at 2003-11-30 18:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy who can't speak english and is totally usless
I work in hospitality and these ppl are everywhere, this one particular guy nearly killed an allergic customer last week becuase he couldn't understand the question "does this have peanuts in it?" of course totally incompentant non english speaker answered no!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2003-09-24 07:34:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The complete lazy bastard
Well, ok thats me. Why work if you can get paid and not work. Just go hide in the storeroom. I fanyone asks what youre doing just say "inventory" theyll leave you alone in case you ask them questions about all the stuff theyve stolen.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2003-09-01 13:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
here's a good one. How about *gasp*
The Boss. self explanitory. I suppose one could branch off in different directions about the KIND of Boss. good lord, what have I done...
-Hads.
Submitted by Trailblazer (user info) at 2003-08-31 19:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I work in a small drawing office. By that I mean its just me and one other guy in our particular department. Now, this does grant me a lot more privacy than most would get during an employment, but you don't know the guy I'm cooped up with. This guy is 35 years old, yet desperately wants to be older. He considers himself practically a pensioner... "did you hear my knees crack as I stood up then? I must be getting old". Most people would use such a statement to provoke a chuckle. They don't usually mean it. He does, however. He seriously considers himself over the hill. Not a day goes by when he doesnt mention age. Now it may just be me, but I really dont consider 35 to be the dawn of arthritis and bed-pans. The only rational conclusion I can reach is that he cant wait for old age. Maybe because he wants the respect of senior citizens, I am not sure. He's even prepared himself physically for the path to old age.. lets start with his hair. Big monk-style bald patch on his head, reflecting all natural sunlight from the window he sits immediately in front off directly onto my retinas. Maybe I will sue the company one day for compensation. The ring of hair he has left is shaped in a bizarre way. If you look at it from behind, its shaped just like a vagina. Yep thats right, you only have to come into my office to see a ginger bush. He has big thick-rimmed glasses with lenses as big as my car's windscreen. They often even have the bugs that my windshield would normally be adourned with. He has think, immaculately-trimmed moustache which I consider to be the primary ageing feature. In effect, he has the look of a typical upper-class old chap. Thats not saying he looks like he is 60, just that his facial features resemble that you would normally find gracing a pensioners face.
Its really his persistent talking that drives me insane. I never show any interest in what he has to say even when he makes an effort to peer around my monitor to grab my attention. Yet he still doesnt see that I am blatantly ignoring him.
He's a huge cheapskate too. lets take an example. Lets say he goes to get his weekly groceries. He pays the bill and goes home only to realise he had a coupon that entitled him to 10 pence off his total food bill. He drives all the way back to the grocery store to claim his 10p when his entire food bill came to £70. Another example, his recent car purchase. For the last 10 years he has ALWAYs driven cars that are on their last legs. Its like has some built-in mechanism that wont allow him to drive anything that isnt so old that even the oil in the engine is rusting. His last car cost him £600 (was high mileage and was 17 years old) yet over one year he spent over £2000 on repairs. So a couple of months ago he shocks everyone and buys a sports car. A car which isnt rusting amazingly. I went with him to check the car over and it was being sold for a great price. Yet he squeezed the dealer for every single penny by complaining and having a lot of work done to it before he bought it. He was very rude about it.
He just infuriates me. The day drags when he is in the office and I breath a sigh of relief every night when I leave. His talking alone is enough to commit me in later years to a mental institute I am sure.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-08-29 11:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
We can all vent about our co-workers...
This always makes me feel better.
http://www.blogjam.com/vent/
Submitted by Berz (user info) at 2003-08-07 17:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is the worst kind of co-worker?
The two fat ass bitches that hackle behind me all fucking day long.
nuff said.
Submitted by DavidAdventurer (user info) at 2003-07-21 05:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PAS, look at http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=105856457213531322
Virtually everybody here knows this site because of a link from Maddox via boredatwork.com
Submitted by RocketshipUnderpants (user info) at 2003-05-21 09:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Myers-Briggs... I think you've got something
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-01-21 14:38:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got another two entries to make on this list...
The Detail Oriented Manager AF 1.5
This species cares more about how things get done than whether they work or not. This kind of person would rather see an entry in the support database about how you haven't solved the problem than see you solve the problem and forget to log it into the database which nobody ever even looks at anyway. If not for the DOM(inatrix) you would be able to accomplish twice as much in half the time and spend 6 hours a day surfing the net instead of 4.
The Email Buddy AF 1.25
This is actually a variant on the standard "Buddy" archetype, and has a habitat that is not strictly delimited to the office - you probably have an Email Buddy or two among your friends and family. This seemingly normal person has an unhealthy obsession with forwarding every piece of mail they get to their entire friends list... whether it's an anecdote designed to make your day better, a dumb joke that you've heard before, a stupid chain letter, an "offer" from Microsoft/Disney/AOL to send $1000 to the first 500 people who pass the email on, or that damnable Neiman Marcus cookie recipe (which by the way is NOT a true story, check out the sn0pes urban legend page for details).
I have my own theory about the email buddies, which is that they are to a one secretly kidnapped by a coalition of aliens/illuminati/masons and re-educated so that they pass on emails relentlessly. That way, when they make their bid for world supremacy, those few people who manage to get the word out and beg everyone to pass the email on to all their friends so that we can all be warned will be ridiculed and added to everyone's "junk mail" list.
Submitted by SeK (user info) at 2002-10-27 08:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How about someone tell me what kind of co-worker this would be: Claims they have ADD just so they can sing at the top of their overexhausted lungs at work, constantly being 'bouncy/having a good day' while you've been standing for eight straight hours, constantly spreads (subtle?) rumors about themselves to get attention, offers to buy lunch with money they don't have and acts like a pretentious goth.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2002-10-26 19:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bollocks! The post below this one was by me 'Random Joe' my arse, I thought I was logged in. Anyway like I suggested check out http://maddox.xmission.com the author calls it The Best Page in the Universe, which is a little conceited but quite close to the truth the bastard!!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2002-10-26 19:30:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
LOL Razor and PML Anita Lauer, we have a Mr Friendly at my office, he is forever writing 'suggestive' emails to various women who have only been nice or friendly to him out of politeness, not because they are interested.
He follows women around like a dog on heat and doesn't realise the reason you are giving monosyllabic answers to his questions is because you don't want him hovering over your desk and chatting away, you're trying to get on with some work can he please fuck off. Now all your team (including your manager) is noticing this guy failing to chat you up and they are thinking "is there anything going on between Mr Friendly and PAS" even though you have previously made it plainly obvious to Mr Friendly you are engaged to a very nice guy and not interested in him at all.
Well I feel better for getting that out of my system!!!!
The other person I'd like to slate at my work is a cross between a Brown Nose & an Annoying Bitch - I think of her as the Whiner, totally up the manager's arse who treats her as a favourite and indulges her grumbles, little does the manager realise the Whiner would love to stab her in the back and take her job.
The Whiner moans as often as she can about how crap her job is, how much work she has to do, how she doesn't get any respect from the company/isn't paid enough/taken seriously but refuses any offers of help with workload (as that would take away some of her reasons to whinge).
She alternates between whinging and self-love, one minute her job is shit and beneath her, the next she is the best worker in the world, her job is very complicated and no-one else could do it.
Has a really annoying laugh and is two-faced, the Whiner is someone I try very hard to put up with because I sit next to the bitch.
Someone else who finds certain people at work annoying: http://maddox.xmission.com/smalltalk.html
It is the funniest website I have been to in a very long time, make sure you read his hatemail!
Submitted by Anita Lauer <laueranita.at.hotmail.com> at 2002-10-18 11:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't have a name for the most annoying asshole ever. Mr. Freindly! He doesn't annoy any of the men in the office but all of the women in the office would like to throw bricks at him. He probably acts like the buddy when the guys are around, but then when you naively join him for lunch at the Burger King which is just a few blocks from the office, he asks you not to tell anybody, because in his mind it's like you fucked him or something! And then that makes it okay for him to invite you to go to a strip club with him?!! I told my boss about this wanker while he was on his initial probation. Absolutely nothing was done about it. I quit the job and now the asshole is bothering one of my friends.
He's the worst example, but there are others. They think that you don't notice the way that they stare at you, or that they work in a totally different part of the building and really have no business being near your cubicle, or that they seem to have a pattern of walking around the building looking for women who will talk to them. Hey there, Mr. Friendly! How about doing your job and leaving the women alone!
Submitted by April <aprillatt.at.yahoo.com> at 2002-10-17 12:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't forget the Ph.D. Pricks. I work in an orthodontic clinic where these guys can manuver your teeth and make the ugliest of cranial features disappear but they can't remember the passwords to their own fucking computers. I'd like to take a large spool of wire and apply braces to their private parts. I guess I'm bitter. hee hee
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2002-09-27 14:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess I'm a buddy, though quite low on the scale. Say a level 3 buddy.
Submitted by suckup <suckup.at.hotmail.com> at 2002-08-16 11:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If I have to hear about what great hair, anyone may have on any given day from this Ass Kisser one more time, or what a nice sweater someone has, or that they look nice. damn it annoying
Submitted by d3rtypaws (user info) at 2002-07-22 11:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Hilarious, and that's alot, coming frome me.
Submitted by Toucan at 2002-07-22 10:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry forgot the bit where the employee type - Annoying Bitch, talks to people and then kind of laughs/makes a sound like a moose on heat, not sure which, at her own jokes.
Submitted by Toucan at 2002-07-22 10:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You also forgot:
Annoying Bitch that thinks she is better looking and better at her job than she really is.
always talking about ex (notice ex!) boyfriends and how they were just too clingy, and all the men that she has been seeing on a casual basis but just doesn't think it is serious enough to make any commitment, and definately not serious enough to bring to any gathering that might actually corroborate her story, even though the woman is a an ugly, boring, annoying, ugly (i know believe me it is meant to be a repetition)shaggy haired (which obviously needs brushing at her desk at least five times a day which is disgusting)fucking bitch. Also trying to be all i know better than you about this job because i have had experience around this job - YOU WERE A FUCKING SECRETARY THAT GOT LUCKY - you are over the hill and pissed cos i am younger and get paid more than you (i suppose i would be the kid with the training but i can handle problems - just)
I think i have made my point.
Submitted by Zanz38 (user info) at 2002-07-22 08:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Single or working mums,
Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch, is how they spend thier day, complaining about how X spoke to them, how the new policy means that they will now have to work the same hours as everybody else, they can have days off to look after sickly child while we can not not have day off to recover from doing all thier work while they have been bitching
Submitted by powerofcheese (user info) at 2002-07-20 19:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You left out two types:
The Veteran
Bitter, irritable and always trying to put down the company. Even the slightest inconvenience appears as a company-wide conspiracy to the Veteran.
The Insecure Clown
Will make seemingly humorous statements, then laugh entirely too hard IMMEDIATELY after making them, even if NOBODY ELSE DOES. I mean, you can hear this guy from the other end of the building. Can be extremly grating, especially since they either don't realize they're being a total dolt, or don't care.
Submitted by yeah (user info) at 2002-07-20 11:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm the angry grandmother type, hybridized with a brown noser and the incompetent. My wife is partially buddy mark and company women. We both are really ugly and smell bad too. I can't wait to have kids.
Submitted by JP_ (user info) at 2002-07-20 00:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's funny and true. I love the concept of the rating system, thought the actual scoring doesn't seem to be explained well enough.
I must admit that I am a "Buddy," and I'm probably a 8 out of ten as a "buddy." I'm trying to get down to a 5, though.