I just can't handle it... (846 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.52 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Philst82 <Philipdstubbs.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-09 06:49:13 EDT
I don't understand women. Never have, probably never will do. And yet they seem to hold this power over me that I wish I could escape. After having played rugby for 10 years, and being forced to stop because of injury, I can still say that the pain caused by a member of the opposite sex is more incapacitating than any physical pain caused b a 6ft 5, 20st monster trampling over you.
I remain the only person I know, not to have had a serious relationship. I don't consider myself an ugly bloke, nor do I think that I've got serious personality defects that cause me to be single all the time. And yet for whatever reason I am always the odd one out. Always the butt of everyone's jokes. Maybe it's caused by my previous relationships, and while it's true that none of them have been particularly successful, it would seem extreme to blame my problems on a few short relationships. My last two girlfriends ended up cheating on me, and anyone who has been cheated on will tell you how worthless this makes you feel. Can I even blame this? Probably not but I'm sure it's a factor.
Perhaps it's bad luck? But when does bad luck cease to be bad luck, and become a "trend"?
My current situation just highlights these problems for me. About a year ago, I was e-mailed out of the blue by a previous "girlfriend". We went out a few times, back when we were 14, and I had even less of an idea of what I wanted then, so it was doomed to failure. What I have since found out is that she really liked me then, and had I wanted her, I could have had her. But being 14, I had no idea either way, nor the inclination to get to know her. Still, from this e-mail, we struck up a friendship, and discovered that we got on really well. E-mails were being sent everyday between us, and I began to find that I increasingly missed the e-mails when they didn't come. At some unmarked point I think I was falling for her, only for me to find out she had a boyfriend, of several years. She never spoke of him to me, and it seemed a little strange. Maybe she did and I just didn't register it.
I backed off a bit after I found this out, but the e-mails kept coming. Containing a lot of complaints about the boyfriend, and telling me how unhappy she was in the relationship. Even asking me questions like, did I ever wonder what life would be like if I'd stayed with someone else? Still wanting to keep my distance, I made my e-mails less frequent, but couldn't help feeling more and more attracted to her.
Fast forward to the summer, and suddenly we're both in the same place at the same time. I spent increasing amounts of time with her, most Sunday nights were spent talking the night away in the pub. Some weeknights as well, so much so in fact that I was seeing more of her than I was of the people I would describe as my best friends. Still she had a boyfriend; anything other than friendship would be out of the question. But by this stage I was feeling very confused by the whole situation.
Then it happened. She broke up with him. I was in the process of moving house when she told me, people were getting annoyed that I was talking on the phone and not helping lift heavy stuff up many flights of stairs. Victory dance completed, I began to formulate a plan to end up with her. My plan involved upping the amount of time I spent with her, and by the end of the summer, admit to her that I liked her. Sounds great in theory, right?
In reality, what happened was she busied herself with other things, so seeing her more often became difficult. But I was still seeing her every weekend I figured the plan could still work. Things seemed to be working out pretty well for me. Always wary of my ability to fuck even the best things up, I had been very careful up to this point.
Beautiful girls don't stay single for long; I should have been prepared for what happened next. She went out with a guy she met at someone's birthday. Being the fool that I am, I panicked. All that I could think about was her getting together with someone else, and not knowing how I felt. Hence I resolved to tell her.
The night I'd planned it for got off to a great start. I had been struggling with a stomach problem, and going out and getting hammered the night before didn't help matters (the ability to fuck anything up coming into play). It got to the end of the night and I had to tell her. Holding back the need to be sick (as I had been all night), I managed to get the words out pretty well. She looked stunned, and didn't know what to say, eventually saying she'd think about it, and leaving fairly quickly after that. Had it been a straight out rejection, I think I could have dealt with that better.
She texted me later, apologising for the way in which she dealt with the situation. She went on to say that she did like me in that way, but was afraid of losing me as a friend, then re-iterating that she would think about. She was going on holiday the next week, so that gave her plenty of time to think.
So we get to now, two weeks later. She's been back from holiday for a week, and we've only spoken when I make the effort. Her tone is friendly and chatty, but it seems as if she's acting as if I'd never said anything. Maybe I'm reading too much into it and she just needs more time. Or may she's come to a decision and decided that it isn't worth it.
What I can't handle is the uncertainty. This is more a rant at all women, because my experience tells me that women are never straight up and honest. If I want something, and I see the possibility of it happening I go for it. I make my move; I tend not to wait around. Half measures annoy me, always. The only reason I waited to tell her was because there was no point in telling her while she was with the boyfriend. Otherwise I would have told her much earlier. Women on the other hand would rather string it out and what seems to me to be half-hearted way. What I don't get is why she can't say one way or the other, leaving me in this state of limbo.
My other concern now is am I even in a fit state of mind to be having a relationship? I've got no idea what being in a serious relationship entails, having had no experience, the first time I wake up next to a girlfriend, am I going to think to myself "I've got to get out of here", just like I have done with all my previous sexual experience? Am I going to be hardened due to my previous relationships, and treat her like dirt, making sure that I'm the one calling the shots, or will I be soften be the whole experience of being with her and become the pussy whipped loser that I've come to despise over these years of singleness. Why is it that I have to go through this amount of difficulty, when I have friends who seem to skip from one relationship to another with relative ease? Why is it that whenever I embark on something that looks like it might end as something special I end up just as single as I was before? Is it me?
I used to consider myself a nice guy. Since my last girlfriend cheated me on I've made an effort to change this, as I was just getting walked all over. I became this guy who just slept around because he could, rather than because he wanted to. I made a point of sleeping with women, then getting up and leaving, I just didn't care, once I'd had my sex, I wanted to get to my own bed. A lot of my female friends have fallen by the wayside because of this attitude of mine, although I'm so far into this now I'm confused as to how I feel about this. One half of me says it's a shame to lose a friend, the other half says she was a woman who you were never going to sleep with, what's the loss? If anything I may have lost a lot of grief that women give me.
And really this is what its about, for years now I've been a guy who treats women with utter contempt, an attempt at a first strike if you will. Make sure to get to them first, because if you don't its only going to cause you problems. I find myself getting increasing irritated by the women I see and those around me. I have dated, but generally I get so annoyed by the women I date that they never make it past a 2nd or 3rd date.
The thing with this girl mentioned is that it seems different. I don't find myself annoyed or irritated by her. Am I blinded by my feelings, not seeing the things in her that I see in other women? Probably. The whole situation just highlights all the problems I have with women in my life, and its worse for me at the moment, because I'm sitting here not knowing what's going on. It's the feeling of not being able to do anything the frustrates me, to the point of distraction... I mean I've done everything I can right? There's not a whole lot more I can do to tip the balance in my favour, is there? What's more do I even want to persist, and become the pussy whipped boy that I once was?
Apologies for this Uber, I needed to get this off my chest. Any advice would be welcome.
User Reviews
Submitted by FrankBoff (user info) at 2004-08-12 05:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Frank(ie) says relax.
You come across as too uptight sometimes, too stressed or too laddish. Be nice to people and they'll be nice back (girls included). No need to overly charm or smarm, but be realxed, honest and open. If you go out with the lads, you'll come back with the lads.
(Admittedly this doesnt in the least help get girls into bed, that seems to be an elusive trick that I havent yet heard of, let alone mastered).
This girl sounds like a normally good person, but you were probably on the friends ladder and made an ill-judged leap over to the other one. The stakes were high and it seems you've lost this time, Its not so bad.
Perhaps you'd built this girl up in your mind to be better than she is, no-ones perfect and it's a mistake to pile up all the qualities you'd look for into one girl. Perhaps a reason why some guys manage to always be involved is they don't demand a girl to be too perfect, and thus find a bigger choice open to them. Upon realising she's not right enough, or just plain annoying, they dump her and find another one (fairly soon, because women can always smell other women on a man and because the guy is improving his chat and character with each woman he gets with). Its a self-perpetuating cycle, hopefully you'll get into it either through luck, or paradoxically, by trying less hard.
Submitted by Jadey at 2004-08-11 17:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree that you have been put on the backburner as the fall back guy should nothing better come along. Why? My guess is that your credentials look good on paper but you're boring. Likely accompanied with excessive complaining. Your credentials look good on paper but there's no chemistry. Ok as a friend and "back up" only. I'd also go as far as saying that you subconciously know this yourself and that's why you treat women the way you do.
My advice, get used to solitary.
Submitted by chopsuey04 (user info) at 2004-08-09 15:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
holy shit man, this sounds familiar. Where are you from? The girl you describe (the whole email and texting thing) sound just like a really good friend of mine, and a girl I want to date. Hmmm.... it sound like i may know who you are.
oh well....
+1 because i can relate. don't give up, i never will.
Submitted by big_wiggah (user info) at 2004-08-09 12:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-09 12:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A slight aside:
Try to break the whole "using and losing" women habit - you're just creating more bitter women and propagating that whole mindset.
As far as advice goes, I say move on. If she "just wants to be friends" then chances are she just wants to use you as emotional support - and if you bite, that's all it's ever going to be.
Finding another compatible person is rare, but they DO exist - having a positive mindset about this (easier said than done, I know) attracts those people more readily than a mindset of bitterness and cynicism.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Solution:Kidnap.
Submitted by been there at 2004-08-09 09:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if you're getting the run-around,
consider it a "no".
Aside from that, the majority of the species (male or female) play this type of game. Sure bet not to get fucked up is the ability to identify the warning signs and then fire them back into the sea. Don't be a sucker for a pretty face, they lie too.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-08-09 09:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
First of all, if she is distant now after leading you on like this for so long, fuck her (not literally). I know she seems different, but if you have to go out of your way for the two of you to speak, then she probably wants to forget the whole thing.
Why, do you ask, doesn't she just come forth and say "NO" and put an end to the limbo? Because she is of the mentality that, by not saying "NO," she is being nice and not hurting your feelings. She thinks that by not denying you outright, but passively ignoring you (she won't IM you anymore, but she'll respond curtly to your IMs) she can go on feeling good about herself. In actuality, she's tearing you to pieces and keeping this dead weight in the back of her mind. She feels guilty, but she doesn't consciously know it until you go out of your way to make contact.
I was gonna -2 this for being a pointless, whiny rant that was pissing me off. But then I realized it was pissing me off because it sounded exactly like the situation I put myself in for 2 years. My best advice is to figure out exactly what it is that you want. You seem to be tired of your old ways, yet scared of the prospect of being with the same girl. If you can't figure it out, you might as well just revert to the short "relationships" you've been doing, but keep your eye open for any possibilities beyond the short term. On the other hand, if you think you're ready to commit to the "right" girl (but you haven't found her yet), just be sure that if you find yourself putting in a lot of time and effort into a girl, that that time and effort is returned equally.
Good luck, and good riddance to Ms. Purgatory.
Submitted by DlESEL (user info) at 2004-08-09 08:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you're a whiney little bitch
go kill yourself now
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-08-09 08:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Selma: It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.
Homer: Take it to the hoop, Selma!
-- Homer Simpson
Principal Charming
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-08-09 08:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
eh??
Submitted by cock_whistle (user info) at 2004-08-09 08:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hay Phillip, Can You Offline For A Minute? I'm Trying To Call You To Tell You The Chicken's Secret!
Submitted by cock_whistle (user info) at 2004-08-09 07:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
See! I'm A Women's And You Don't Understand Me!! Remember What The Chicken Told!
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-08-09 07:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 because you play rugby.
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-08-09 07:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude you make no sense...
Submitted by cock_whistle (user info) at 2004-08-09 07:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The Chicken Ran For Miles And Miles. It Told You What You Must Remember, Keep It Close And You Will Solve The Womens!!
I Forgot To Rate You!!
Submitted by cock_whistle (user info) at 2004-08-09 07:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For Truth - Trust The Source. For Lies - Trust The Sauce.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-09 07:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the previous review said
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-08-09 07:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sounds to me you like you got put on the back burner while she checks out a few better choices.
She's secure that she's got you, but you're just a backup in case she feels lonely.
Shit or get off the pot. Stop waiting around for her. Show her she doesn't have you by default.
A little insecurity goes a long way.