Note to self: Do not climb on a roof while under the influence. (890 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.62 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kitchens_closed (View user info) at 2004-08-09 09:21:09 EDT
I like to consider myself a reasonably bright individual.
I've committed my share of idiotic acts and said some pretty stupid things, but I've always taken care of myself. I never thought I'd be reckless enough to break a bone, get arrested, impregnate a chick before marriage, anything along those lines.
As of last Friday I am 1 for 3.
It was supposed to be a great day. My friends Art and Julian planned on picking me up, smoking a fat one, then hanging out at Julian's house. Nothing special, but it was going to be hella better than the average day. When I got in the car, I screamed "Fire in the hole!" and we began to smoke. Actually, I didn't really say that, but blaze we did.
When we arrived at Julian's house, I was feeling pretty nice. I stepped out of the car and was greeted by Homer, Julian's hyperactive, but loveable rot. Now, I'm not really a dog person, but Homer is one stick-chasing, genital-licking, leg-humping, over-the-river-and-through-the-woods-running, tough son-of-a-bitch. Literally. He's the craziest fucking dog I've ever seen. He will retrieve anything that you throw into the shrubbery (Julian's house is surrounded by trees) faster than you can say "how many World Series would the Red Sox win if the Red Sox could win World Series." He swallowed the bones from the chicken scraps we fed him, and to top it all off, he drank from the same tub of water that he bathed himself in (he usually bathed himself after rolling in his own feces). He was one badass dog all right.
Today we had a surprise for Homer. I reached into the car and whipped out a spiffy new frisbee, and Homer yelped with orgasm-esque glee. We tossed it around and watched him try to snatch it out of the air, which being stoned out of our minds, looked friggin hilarious. At one point Julian wrestled the frisbee from his dog and whipped it across the yard. It whizzed through the air and landed on top of the slanted roof of his garage. Shitflakes.
After debating for a few minutes on how to go about getting it, Art and I decided it would be fun to climb on top of the roof and get it ourselves, instead of chucking rocks at it until it fell off. We grabbed a ladder, leaned it against the garage and made our way up. It was weird, on the way up I felt like I was going on a rescue mission or something. I was excited.
Don't ask me, I guess it was some good shit.
Any who, we got up there and threw the frisbee down. I let Art go down first. He made his way to the bottom, and just when I was about to begin my descent, I stopped and said:
Me: Wait.
Art: What?
Me: Hold on. I'm going to jump.
Art: Yeah right.
Me: No seriously, I'm going to jump.
Normally, and when I say normally I mean when I'm not high, I refrain from doing this kind of macho bullshit. Not because I could get hurt, but because I think that people who pull these kinds of stunts are pretentious whores trying to impress their buddies. But I was trying to impress no one. I just felt like jumping off. I looked over the edge of the roof. The roof stood a good 10-12 feet from the ground. Not too bad. The only problem was that there was a gutter that surrounded the entire perimeter of the roof. I didn't really want to JUMP; I wanted to sit on the edge and slide off. But the only way I could do that would be to actually sit on he gutter, and I was reluctant to test its durability with 5'11" 145 lbs. frame.
Me: I don't think I can do it. It's too high.
Art: Don't be such a pussy.
Me: I don't want to be but it's too fucking high, and this goddamn gutter is in my way.
Art: Come on, you got me all psyched up for this shit. You have to now.
He was right. I couldn't be a little bitch and back down from my own challenge. I had to do it. So I inched my way towards the edge of the roof. I applied a little pressure to the gutter with my right foot. Then some more.
Me: Okay, I think that it's stable--
A split second after I said that, the gutter buckled underneath me. The following probably happened in one second or less, but I can see it in my head in slow motion.
I began to fall towards the ground, feet first, shocked ass all fucking hell that I had just snapped a gutter in half. I threw my arms up into the air, flailing as I made my way toward the ground to what seemed would be a sudden, but not that painful landing. Then, without warning, my shorts were snagged on a nail that had been exposed after the gutter tore away from the roof, thus flipping my body 180 degrees. The force of my upper body being flipped downward freed me from the nail, so now I found myself falling to the ground in sawn-dive-like fashion, almost as if I was diving into a pool. Only instead of falling into a pool of water, I feel straight onto the rocky terrain below, hands first. My arms crumpled underneath me, and my head hit the ground with a thud.
The first thing that came to my mind was: this has to be a fucking dream. An intense shovel-full of pain was dumped all over my body, giving me a despicable taste of reality. I had indeed fallen off a roof. And ripped my shorts.
Art: DUDE. Are you okay?
Me: Ugggghhh. Fffff.
Art: Shit man, that was awesome.
Me: Fuck. I think I broke.
Art: Shit. What's broken?
Me: Me.
Art: Where?
Me: Fuck!
The pain was so fucking intense I couldn't even tell where it was coming from. At that point Julian came out of the house and started going apeshit about the gutter while I sat there shivering in pain. Everything fucking hurt, my head especially. It felt like it was getting bigger every second. I felt like T.J. Kidd.
I don't remember much else of what happened until I got home. I remember sitting in Julian's living room for a long time, and then sitting in his car and eating six Krispy Kreme doughnuts. About four hours after the accident they drove me home. I staggered into my house and was greeted by mother, who started to give me the third degree, wondering why my arms were locked in a Stephen Hawking like manner. I told her I had fallen off a bike, and needed to go to the hospital. No way was I telling her I fell off a roof.
The doctor slapped a cast on my broken left wrist the next day. They said my right arm was hyper-extended or something, and the pain would fade off in a week. My head felt fine in a few days.
To give you an idea of what my head felt like after it hit the ground, I present to you a picture of T.J. Kidd himself. He's the one on the right. Note the size of his head compared to the normal child on the left. Christ Almighty.
Yes, it hurt that bad.
User Reviews
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-29 03:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh heh... roofs always look so much higher when you're standing on top of them.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-05-29 02:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me smile. That kid's head made me fucking laugh.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2005-05-29 02:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...all this time...I blamed the bike
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-23 00:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks.
Submitted by Pooz (user info) at 2004-08-22 05:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Tell me what to do will you?
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-08-09 21:31:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I only wish I could have seen from some one else's perespective how silly I looked.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-09 20:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-08-09 14:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Free review to put you back on the recently reviewed list.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-09 14:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should have more reviews. This is teh funee, people!
Submitted by dudette (user info) at 2004-08-09 11:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: Fuck. I think I broke.
Art: Shit. What's broken?
Me: Me.
-----------------------------
Haw Haw
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had indeed fallen off a roof. And ripped my shorts.
Ouch - Adding insult to injury. +2 for that!
Sorry, other people in pain crack me up.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-08-09 09:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I found myself falling to the ground in sawn-dive-like fashion, almost as if I was diving into a pool."
Yeah, yeah I noticed that as well after I posted. Apperently sawn is a word too (to cut with a saw), so it didn't come up on spell check. Sue me.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-09 09:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-09 09:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for massive head of Jkidd's kid.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-09 09:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I found myself falling to the ground in sawn-dive-like fashion, almost as if I was diving into a pool.
What in the hell is a sawn-dive like fashion?
Tuck and roll, dude, tuck and roll.