Ramblings of a squirrel: regaining respect (1140 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-08-09 09:55:40 EDT
[Please go away if you're not in the mood for crappy, self-important drivel. Yes, I realize my writing has become slightly "emo" as of late, but I might as well live up to my new emo haircut.]
It has come to my attention recently that without realizing it, I've let respect slip out of my life. I've lost the respect of others, as well as my own respect as a result. And it wasn't really until I lost it, that I realized how important this was to me.
It's hard to call the life you're living "good" if you don't admire yourself as a person. And it's hard for others to look to you as a strong person, as someone worthy of their regard, if you don't even see yourself as that.
This is the point in my life where I should begin to decide what I want to "make of myself", or "become". It's the point where I should decide what I want and like in other people, and what I want and like in myself.
Instead, I'm facing the fact that I really am not happy with the things that I've done and the person I seem to have become. The first step towards change is acknowledging the problem, right? However, acknowledging this makes me slightly sick. Where exactly did I go wrong, and when exactly did I stop holding myself to the standards that others had come to expect from me?
As soon as I grew out of my gawky little kid years, I lost much of my self-confidence. This isn't something that many people know about me; a few close friends here or there, and maybe the more perceptive individuals that I surround myself with. I didn't care much, I didn't see myself as in need of confidence, and so I didn't believe there was a problem.
That's not to say that I didn't fake it though.
Then, someone called me pretty.
Most people don't mark that kind of event on their calendar. But it was honestly the first time that someone under the age of fifty, someone who wasn't immediate family, had thought this of me and told me their thought.
I grew up with plenty of praise; I wasn't an affection-robbed child. I was actually spoiled and bratty about my academic abilities. But outside of school, I had zero self worth. For almost four years I barely had friends. And in no way did I have a boyfriend. My few friends were guys, but none of them thought more of it except for when I was the only one who couldn't stay over night, or the only one who couldn't play basketball "shirts and skins".
No one had called me pretty, or beautiful. It's odd that was the point, right after this person told me this, that I started to regain confidence and assurance.
It's just as bad to base your confidence in looks and appearances, however, as it is to have none at all.
Because then, when someone thinks you're beautiful, the world is amazing and you love yourself. Suddenly, if someone doesn't think you are, you have no value. If your entire self worth is physical, you essentially have NO working self worth. It's not a good way to live, it's not a good way to measure your importance as a person.
So now here I am. And everything I've spent these years working for doesn't really mean that much to me. What someone else might see as an accomplishment, I take for granted. It doesn't mean much if I didn't have to work very hard for it, does it?
I recently encountered one of the first difficult situations in my life. I've always had things easy, remarkably so, with minor glitches here or there. I've been lucky.
But I found, when faced with something that wasn't so easy, something that wasn't an ideal circumstance, I collapsed.
I caved in, and I realized later that I had done some incredibly shameful things.
Someone very important to me once said, "What's the point in thinking you're a strong and good person if you're judging on an easy life? You never really know what you're worth until you come up against something that resists you".
Maybe he didn't say it that eloquently, there were probably a lot of "likes" and "ums" interjected, but that's how I remember it.
And he was completely right.
My confidence has turned out to be false. My sense of self worth has been shot to hell, and now it's time to rebuild. From the ground up, because maybe then I can actually get some reliable foundations.
I think I've been asking too much of myself, asking too much of others even. I have this need, this intense fear based drive, to be exceptional in everything I do. But things can't ever be that way.
Maybe if I realized that I could look at myself, look at what I've done, and smile.
And realize that I can't ask others to respect me until I've done the same myself.
User Reviews
Submitted by l-ryd (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know this is actually the lighter-side of growing up
I heard,seen, and lived through worse.
However you problems are just as severe to you
As mine to me...so Im not trying to take anything away from you
What I am saying is that you are where you should be
It will be ok
As you have seen already
Good luck....keep yer head up!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-08-11 19:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is normal, you're just growing up & changing. I have seen more changes in my lfe and myself between ages 25 - 35 than I ever did as a kid or teen, at 28 my wife is feeling the same. Hang on kiddo, life is really just getting started for you.......
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-10 16:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-09 20:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Squirrel you are pretty. At least you are in the camwhores I have seen and they usually do not do anyone justice.
James has a line in one of their songs that goes something like "at thirty I realise I've become the man I that always I despised".
Well there is no reason for you to dump on yourself. It is just the usual bullshit we buy into at times.
Just know that in a year from now you will still be here. You will have done things that even now you do not know about. You will have grown more and you will be a different person than you are now.
Just take baby steps when you are hurting and don't beat yourself up too much!
Also realise that you are talented (your writing prooves that), compassionate, loveable and a great person. You are not perfect and that is fine. No-one is.
You also deserve happiness and someone who is prepared to stand by you even when you screw up. If the significant person in your life is not prepared for that then don't take that and make yourself wrong because of it.
Baby steps girl when you are hurting!!!
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-09 20:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey geoff, you uptard:
"Then, someone called me pretty."
Take a wild guess at who I was referring to...
Yeah...
Yeah...
Getting it?
You were the first person to say something like that to me.
Honest to god.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-08-09 17:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't read the replies because these sick rat bastards are working me to death my last week here.
My thoughts on this are that you are putting too much pressure on yourself. You are probably naturally competitive. I've had a bit of personal experience with this and found that the thing that helped me the most was to pick something, anything that you would like to do and tell yourself that you don't have to be the best at it. You're just doing it for shits and giggles. For me that was piano. Before then, everything I did I had to be the best or I considered it a failure. There is not a shot in hell of my being "the best" at piano so it was just for fun. Not that I have lost my competitive nature. I realized that I was being a bit of a prima donna over piano when I had to play a duet with someone last year and I was all about NOT being the one who held us back or screwed up on the recital. I noted it and forced myself to back off.
I found that once I had this little side hobby, I was free to try things that I may not succeed in. Somewhere on here are some really bad drawings that I posted to give everyone something to laugh about. I always wanted to learn how to draw, but I'm no artist. I'm having fun with it and draw something just about every day. I suck and I don't care, I think it's fun. So people laugh at my "art"? Well sure, but it doesn't hurt my feelings because I'm not all wrapped up in it being perfect.
Am I making sense here?
I guess what I'm trying to say is fuck 'em. You have to do what makes you happy because you are the only one looking yourself in the mirror and facing what you either have or have not done with your life.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-09 17:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Squirrel, I would think you were a beautiful person even if I'd never seen a picture of you.
My only advise to you would be to not take life so seriously. Don't try to be the best at everything and just be you. Do what you can in life to find happiness, but don't seek perfection, because everything is already perfect. The fact that something even exists at all is a testament to its perfection, because how could it exist in any other form?. In any other form it wouldn't be what it is. And besides, beauty is in the the asymmetrical, the curious quirks, the happy mistakes, the sorrow, the awkwardness...
The world is really a wonderful place, and it is better one with you in it.
SMILE =)
Nothing is ever as bad as we make it seem.
Submitted by Tenyuki (user info) at 2004-08-09 17:18:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If it means anything...
Hello, my name's Geoff, and I've always thought you were pretty since March-ish '03.
You're right about the respect thing. It's the same with love and all that.
And I've always thought that "nothing's good unless you compare it to something bad". You pretty much said that, only differently. Yeah.
Welcome back, Vivi.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-08-09 14:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-09 14:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jared: Thanks hon.
Fetish: Huh? When did I tell you to go away?
Caulaincourt: I know you're right, and that's what I'm going to try to understand and live by.
Smurfs: I'll look into it.
Don: Thankyou.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-08-09 13:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're beautiful and if you came to Ubercon, you'd realize that's bigger than you think.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-09 12:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"And realize that I can't ask others to respect me until I've done the same myself."
Fight Club is based on a bit more than Chuck's wit.
Hitting Bottom does leave you with no place to go but up.
If you'll take a suggestion, from a white boy intrested in the East... Read 'Tao Te Ching' by Lau Tzu. And think on it.
See where it takes you.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-09 12:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Starting from the bottom is still a good chance to start it all over again.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-08-09 11:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by plushpeach (user info) at 2004-08-09 11:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone very important to me once said, "What's the point in thinking you're a strong and good person if you're judging on an easy life? You never really know what you're worth until you come up against something that resists you".
--------------------------------------------------------
I realized this last year. My life hasn't been an easy one by most peoples standards but I never saw myself as strong, until they pointed it out. It's still hard to see myself as someone worthy of other people's admiration. But I'm starting to get there. Good luck on your journey, don't give up.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I have this need, this intense fear based drive, to be exceptional in everything I do."
Everyone is subjected to this symptom of today's society. You can either become self-aborsbed in your quest for physical/social/professional perfection and drown into self-pity when you 'fail'. Or you can either just be yourself and profit from experiences.
You better start to learn and move on fast when you'll be your own or you'll discover that the world isn't too sensible to your fragility.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And realize that I can't ask others to respect me until I've done the same myself."
Booya.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For telling me to go away. -2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"when someone thinks you're beautiful, the world is amazing and you love yourself"
I'm proud of you, Viv.
Submitted by WFT? at 2004-08-09 10:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The bad news is that it's only going to get worse....
wait 'till you hit 25!!
The good news is, you've got foresight.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-09 10:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a real long reply to this, but I'll hold my tongue. Just hang in there.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-09 09:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, simple, inspirational. Well done.
Best of luck.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-09 09:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LIEK OMG I LUV EMO LOLZ!!!1!11
But seriously, hun, I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself, and have regained some self-respect. I know it's hard, but hang in there. You'll be OK.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-08-09 09:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry. I really couldn't be bothered to read this.