Odd Happenings in Church or Ray Stevens is a Damn Psychic (1703 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AshK <alkite at gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-10 09:44:07 EDT
Sunday was one of those days that I would categorize as perfect. The sun was shining, it didn't get above 78 all day, and I felt wonderful (mostly due to some quality 2AM nookie but that is another story).
I was sitting in the back yard, sipping my first cup of coffee and reading the paper. Our son was playing with the dog, the birds were singing, and the dewy grass felt like heaven on my bare feet. My husband came up behind me, kissed me in the hollow behind my ear and whispered "better get ready for church".
Church?! Argh! Where are my sweet nothings? Who nuzzles behind the ear and brings up church? Who are you and where is the man who woke me up after midnight to do some horizontal acrobatics?
You see, my husband is a church going guy who married a non church going woman, for better or for worse thank you very much. I am as close to God as I need to be sitting in my back yard sipping coffee a block and a half from the church. I was sure God would understand if we spent the morning at home. Better yet, we could send our boy to church and spend the morning doing a curtain call from our pre dawn lovin'. Unfortunately for me, I had used similar arguments a few weeks in a row and fair is fair. I did manage to filibuster through Sunday school, so I could live with one little bitty sermon.
A quick clothes change and another coffee later, I was ready to go. I do like the church my husband has attended since before we met, and the pastor is in his late 30's which makes for some good sermons on things that I am living. He isn't big on fire and brimstone, so I don't leave feeling like I am going to burn in Hell for all eternity Amen. (I don't have church issues, really I don't.)
Back to church. The singing is over, the collection plate has gone by and we are settling in for the lesson of the day. This is always my cue to keep an extra eye on hubby dearest, as he has been known to snore at this particular juncture. Since my beloved insists on sitting as close to the front as possible, the second row on this morning I feel the need to keep him semi alert.
I take in some drooping eyelids and that happy glazed look, so I get my elbow ready. I am just getting ready to get in my first dig when a strange noise attracts my attention. Pastor's microphone is crackling like crazy. We have gone from "The Garden and the Serpent" to something closely resembling "Would you like fries with that?"
In fact, I think Mic D's drive through would be pulling into the lead in a head to head competition.
Scott, our trusty sound system man, throws his hands up in the universal language of "what the fuck?" Pastor unhooked his mic and sat it aside. Looks like we are going to get the good word without surround sound today. A glance to the left shows my church loving husband's chin resting on his chest. Praying for the electronics I'm sure. I know how much he loves anything that involves speakers.
The following events can only be described as a life altering experience.
Pastor is getting his preach on and the Amen's are starting to flow. The lack of microphone really enhances the mood, people are listening closer and feeling His love and power. There are some with a hand in the air, some with an amen on their lips, the air is charged with electricity. Pastor is on the verge of a hallelujah moment when a burst of spark and smoke blow from the control panel, Scott jumps away as the sparks fly and the unmistakable sound of an electric arc "Kapows" through the sanctuary, echoing against the cavernous ceiling. Through the glare of the sparks, a small thing comes hurling from under the electric panel, landing at the pastor's feet.
There are gasps and screams. That "praying" guy I married snorts and hops up looking around wildly. I think a couple people found God and a few found the exit. I about found out how absorbent the pew cushions are, as my bladder was already sending up alarms from cup of coffee number two. Chaos was king for what seemed like an hour.
Then the stench hit.
Everyone stopped dead still and looked at the smoking twitching thing by the pulpit. We cringed; we backed away, one child's voice called out "Oh Look! A squirrel!" which made me start to giggle... Uncontrollably. Unrestrainable giggles coupled with the "I have GOT to pee" dance garner attention. Go figure. The congregation stared, the organist glared, the pastor scrunched up his eyebrows and frowned his "you are gonna burn" frown. Damn you Uber! What kind of animal hating Satanist giggles at the charred twitching body of a squirrel who snacked on the wrong wire? Me! That's who!
Church ended early this Sunday. Due in part to the smell of charred squirrel, and likely to get the normal people away from the giggling psychotic.
I think I have an automatic pass from the next few sermons. I hear the pastor has hired a bouncer, in case I show up any time soon.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-09 13:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have any gmail invites left AK?
In all honesty I should go back and give your first post a negative rating cause it was pretty bad, but I'm fairly certain you've since learned the error of your ways so I'll leave it be.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-10-18 20:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish_ (user info) at 2004-08-26 09:07:46 (#)
Ranking: -2
Funny you say that, Fetish. My behavior is designed like yours.
If you support Fetish, you will get a -2. If you -2 my post, I will do exactly like Fetish does and return the favor.
Until Fetish ends this behavior, I will be around.
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Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:58:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish_ (user info) at 2004-08-25 18:18:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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Auto +2 for fake fetish.
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This is great. You can't win. Don't support Fetish, Fetish -2s you. Support Fetish, fake Fetish -2s you.
Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-26 16:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hummina (user info) at 2004-08-26 13:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Inappropriate uncontrollable giggling in church, excellent.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-08-26 10:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
invite me to gmail?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-26 09:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your pesky little attitude, just makes me appreciate the real Fetish that much more.
I laugh at your patheticness in the face of the true sarcastic wit that is Fetish.
Faggot.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish_ (user info) at 2004-08-26 09:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Funny you say that, Fetish. My behavior is designed like yours.
If you support Fetish, you will get a -2. If you -2 my post, I will do exactly like Fetish does and return the favor.
Until Fetish ends this behavior, I will be around.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish_ (user info) at 2004-08-25 18:18:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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Auto +2 for fake fetish.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish_ (user info) at 2004-08-25 18:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ray Stevens wrote the song about "When the squirrel went berzerk / in the First Self-Righteous Church / in the sleepy little town of Plavalaguna" (I know that's the blue alien singer-lady in 5th Element but it sounds close to that)
A great song, and a great post. I don't know what everyone's issue was with your reaction. If that situation happened in my church, the pastor would pause, shrug it off, someone would get the smoking rodent and chuck it outside, the pastor would make a joke, and it would be over. There would undoubtedly be some snickering and snorts at the entire ordeal, and it would be recalled and fondly-brought up indefinitely.
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahah.
There's nothing better than laughing in church at inappropiate moments.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you guys.
The good news? They have just issued me additional cubicle space to accomodate my ever inflating head! Woo!
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What an awesome pic for the occasion.
You've written more stories that get solid +2s than anyone I know.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Snark is right, you know. You're all kinds of awesome.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-08-24 16:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-16 11:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, who's Ray Stevens again and why is he a damn psychic? Or is my brain tumor just acting up again?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-10 15:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You are more than welcome. I'm here to provide any excuse not to work.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-10 15:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow Ashk
This post made me go the rest of your stories, and I have been eating them up all morning.
Thanks for ruining my productive workday...
Submitted by big_wiggah (user info) at 2004-08-10 14:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-10 14:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just about spewed my tea all over my keyboard.
Nicely Done!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-10 13:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, in the church that I'm forced to go to, there's a family of woodpeckers who haven't discovered the secret of glass windows yet. During almost every sermon, they fly up to one of the windows and peck at it. Loudly. For some reason, they tend to do it during 'silent prayer' and other awkward moments. And one time, a squirrel dies in the attic and nobody could find it, but everyone could smell it. Bleh.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-10 10:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh
Burnt offerings
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-08-10 10:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-10 10:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, as soon as I read that I started giggling... I don't blame you, that would have been funny as.... something... incredibly funny...
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-10 10:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I felt wonderful (mostly due to some quality 2AM nookie but that is another story)."
Tell us. o_o
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-10 10:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-10 09:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-10 09:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very well written
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-10 09:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apologies to OLAS. I sure wasn't expecting to hear your nic hollered out in church.