Excuse me Sir, could you kindly remove your hand from my penis? (36806 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.86 on 89 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2004-08-10 17:10:25 EDT
What about me screams freak magnet? When I ride the subway I try to block out the world as much as possible, iPod pumping, book in hand. At the instance this occurs I was listening to 40' by Franz Ferdinand, while reading 'A Million Little Pieces' by James Frey (Which is only mentioned because you should all go out and read it, it's amazing.)
Anyway, I'm minding my own business like every good commuter at 9:15 in the morning before that first glorious cup of coffee traverses my lips and works its way down my throat, its heat gently radiating throughout my body-
What was I talking about? Oh, this morning.
Yeah, so I'm reading and trying to keep my eyes open, when I'm brushed against by incoming people and someone stands right in front of me. Now, the L can get crowded, but that's usually before 9:00, so I looked up and half the train is empty... standing space anyway... but planted solidly in front of mine, meeting my eyes is an older gentleman.
His nose is perhaps six inches from my own, and if he looked down he could read my book. I'm sure he can hear my music. His lips are moving like a beached fish and I realize he's talking to me. Sighing, because for some reason I know this is going to end badly, I pull my headphones off and raise an eyebrow inquisitively.
He smiles, 'Hello there.' His demeanor is gentle and he seems harmless in his fitted red T-shirt and jeans. Decent sneakers and a new haircut, not bothering to compensate for the balding of his, I'm guessing, forty years or so. He has a pleasant face, small jowls beginning to form and bushy black eyebrows salted with gray. 'My names Bill.' He extends his hand.
I stare at it, and an uncomfortable moment passes before I slowly, grudgingly extend my own hand, 'Mike.'
'Nice to meet you son, I'm a married man, two kids. Jaime and Chris, Chris is captain of his basketball team.'
I care.
'That's great,' I respond, nodding and smiling... hoping to god the amount of people on the train will notice if he pulls a gun, or his dick out of his pants. I take a step back, 'I wish the best for them, but I'm in the middle of this book-'
'Yeah, they are great. Great. Great. Great. Make me glad to wake up every day.' He nods to accent each 'great,' reminding me of those bobble-head dolls.
'Great,' I smile, trying not to laugh. He's harmless. I drop my eyes and go back to my book. I see him shift out fo the corner of my eye, and feel his hand brush against my leg. I look up and he's looking off to the side, but I can tell he is looking at me out of the corner of his eyes. He smiles.
'Sorry about that, the train is kind of crowded.'
I look around, there is no one within six feet of us, it's as if they all know he's plague ridden. I smile insincerely and shift my leg away from him, rolling my eyes. I get about two sentences in when that same hand brushes my leg. I look up, 'hey, could you stop?'
'Wait? Oh sorry about that son, Can't keep my feet so well anymore. Say, do you like the Yankees?'
'Uh, yeah.'
'Good, good. Back to your book now.'
I nod and bury myself again. A minute passes, two. WE are under the bridge and starting to near the First Avenue stop. As the subway starts to slow, I feel a jostle and a hand on my crotch. I look up, eyes wide and he's staring at me smiling all teeth. He clenches his hand a bit, grabbing me through my jeans. I spring back, 'What the hell?!'
Then he freaks out. He raises his hands above his head, waving them like he's being attacked by a swarm of hornets. He tilts his head back and screams, the sound echoing off the subway 'IIIIIIIIII'MMM NOOOOOOOOTTTTT GAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!' Spinning around in a circle for about fifteen seconds the train stops and he runs off, hollering knocking pedestrians aside in a mad dash for his freedom.
The passengers on the train stare after him, then turn to me, huddled against the open door. I raise my hands in my defense, speechless... well, not quite, 'He touched my cock.'
They nod, the doors close and the train speeds on.
Only in the city.
User Reviews
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-03-23 02:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-03-03 16:24:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, this was the first Ubersite post I ever read. AWWWWW.
Submitted by AloisaScavo (user info) at 2004-11-14 09:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is so fecking awesome, it's unbelievable. I mean, I'm sorry you got molested on the subway, but...
Good shit.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-11-12 16:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-10-11 20:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant! Bloody brilliant!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-08 16:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I care...
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-08 16:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-08 16:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fenchurch (user info) at 2004-10-08 15:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It had to do with penis. Whoo!
Submitted by Beezus at 2004-10-05 13:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by :-D <emo_ryan.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-09-23 21:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by queenoftheramen (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!
Submitted by uhhh ur a moron at 2004-09-11 15:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
euro-trip had a spaniard that sat on someone's lap, not grabbed their cock. whoever made that dumbass comment needs to think every once in a while.
Submitted by nashimus (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lmfao
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-26 19:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i laughed picturing this "harmless" molester "freaking out" on the subway.
thanks for the entertainment.
plus...i've seen Road Trip and i don't even get the reference.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-24 11:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
? You know... if I'd ever seen 'Road Trip,' maybe?
Next time I get molested on the subway... I'll remember to watch every movie in the world before telling about it.
Submitted by Mr.Jid (user info) at 2004-08-23 12:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude, that was nothing but a re-worded scene from Euro-Trip. Next time, get your own damn shit.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-22 13:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure awesome.
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2004-08-20 12:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok...needs more violence and lesbian sex.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on getting B@W!!
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A recovering Alcoholic/crack addict in rehab... but the writting... it's so short and choppy and simple, but captivating.
Submitted by sempboy (user info) at 2004-08-17 22:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good. Whats 'A Million Little Pieces' by James Frey about?
Submitted by Steve <steve> at 2004-08-17 19:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
In Detroit, if someone says 'Hi, my name is <insert here>' I just say, 'What the hell do you want?'. It keeps the bums and frieks in check.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-16 01:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Franz Ferdinand sucks
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2004-08-14 20:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, reminds me of the scene in euro trip. 'Scuse me!!'
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-08-14 10:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:04:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-10 20:00:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
This is a good story but my question is...
Does EVERY story in Uber have to be about...
1) Rape
2) Poop
3) Dick touching?
It sure seems like a high percentage of them- 78.3% - are.
--------------
Yeah, sorry we have to talk about Dick touching, Schlongy.
..............
nice.
Submitted by MGB (user info) at 2004-08-14 00:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im glad and proud i live in the suburbs.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-13 04:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad I live in the suburbs.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-12 22:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stu_the_goon (user info) at 2004-08-12 20:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har, made me chuckle did this!
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-12 16:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This made B@W?
Crazy... now I need to get on there 2 or three more times, and MVA! ah ha!
Submitted by happydick at 2004-08-12 16:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well what you neglected to mention was if it got hard or not? I think it did!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-12 15:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there is a subway train in NYC called the "L" line...i should know, thats my train as well. There are also "El" as in "elevated trains in the boroughs.
Congrats on the b@W
Submitted by bigp0ppa (user info) at 2004-08-11 20:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
did you get a stock?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-08-11 20:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, but I will laugh at your misfortune for days.
This is so funny. Well done.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-08-11 18:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Only in the city."
Absolutely classic!
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-08-11 18:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a New Yorker aren't you Smurfs? None of these crazy horseshit happened to be when I used the subway.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, are you from chicago, or do they call it the L in other places too?
If you ARE from Chicago:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39779
Eh, even if you aren't, it relates.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nahhhhhh.
He was gay long before this ugly and unfortunate incident.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does that make you gay?
Submitted by ATTNGHEYMENZ (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite funny, sir.
Submitted by Screwyouall (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i woulda chased the flamer down and bashed his head on something solid, like the ground, repeatedly
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobody, and I mean nobody gets away with grabbing my junk for free.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-08-11 13:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stauquin (user info) at 2004-08-11 12:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-11 12:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to type something about "attn ghey smurfs" when I read this at work yesterday.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-08-11 10:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bahaahahaha
Reminds me of Eurotrip
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by McMuffin (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah!Nice one!
Submitted by McMuffin (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah!
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hilarious.
Submitted by Kellio (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a freak! I loved the I'M NOT GAY!!! part!
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no words to describe how awesome this post was.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Second perfect post that kid ruined for no reason.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jebus.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-10 20:00:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
This is a good story but my question is...
Does EVERY story in Uber have to be about...
1) Rape
2) Poop
3) Dick touching?
It sure seems like a high percentage of them- 78.3% - are.
--------------
Yeah, sorry we have to talk about Dick touching, Schlongy.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-10 23:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahha....
Oh man, we don't get that many weirdo's on public transport down here... I guess we're lucky.
Submitted by Socky (user info) at 2004-08-10 23:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2004-08-10 22:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-08-10 21:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If some dude grabbed my shit, I wouldnt say anything. I would just punch him right in the fucking face. Funny story though.
-BongZilla
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-08-10 20:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-10 20:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the gay
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-10 20:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:16:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, sorry about that.
I was feeling kinda horny this morning.
The old lady keeps refusing to have sex with me.
I wish I would've remembered her birthday! =(
-------------
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-10 18:19:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck was my dad doing in New York?
------------------------------------
WHO'S YA DADDY?!?? WHO'S YA DADDY?!?! Nuh, nuh nuh nuh!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-10 20:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is a good story but my question is...
Does EVERY story in Uber have to be about...
1) Rape
2) Poop
3) Dick touching?
It sure seems like a high percentage of them- 78.3% - are.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-10 19:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Submitted by Finding_Neo (user info) at 2004-08-10 19:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That my friend, is good old fashion comedy.
Submitted by Dashal (user info) at 2004-08-10 19:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-10 18:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-10 18:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck was my dad doing in New York?
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-10 18:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds like some sort of game homosexuals play and then laugh about over the phone with each other on rainy nights.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen your camwhore . . . I would have done the same thing. Wait . . . you were the chick in that picture, right?
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks Smurf. I felt violated just reading this. You should have kicked that guy in his bean bag.
LGF
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:27:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jumpin: Like a virus:
Flaming Hampsters: http://www.ubersite.com/m/35319
Homeless People: http://www.ubersite.com/m/24929
and other posts
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:25:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wowza.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you always attract weirdos?
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:22:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IIIMMMMM NOOOOOT GAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!
I bet his kids and his wife know it -
Hilarious!
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh My...now you know.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell?! The guys get small talk with their groping? No fair!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He tilts his head back and screams, the sound echoing off the subway 'IIIIIIIIII'MMM NOOOOOOOOTTTTT GAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!' Spinning around in a circle for about fifteen seconds the train stops and he runs off, hollering knocking pedestrians aside in a mad dash for his freedom.
=====
Sublime.
Submitted by Just_me_and_the_cats (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking EXCELLENT! Best post of the day!
Reminds me of the time I was walking down the street and some ass bandit looks over and says, "Ooh, a cute redhead!"
Without breaking my stride I said (in a very civil tone), "Go fuck yourself pal, cause I'm sure as hell not gonna."
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, sorry about that.
I was feeling kinda horny this morning.
The old lady keeps refusing to have sex with me.
I wish I would've remembered her birthday! =(
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
glad it happened to you and not me.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-10 17:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHHAHA