Dano vs The Rock Apes of Gibraltar (2869 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dano
Rating: 1.97 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Scott James (View user info) at 2004-08-10 23:47:54 EDT
This episode can be read as a stand-alone Dano tale, but it was something that happened on the same vacation when my mother cuffed the Shrieking Berserker for, uh, Shrieking Like A Berserker: http://www.ubersite.com/m/40560
The vacation itself was a lot of fun. My mother gave Lefty, Dano and myself carte blanche to explore the lovely holiday resort of Lloret De Mar so naturally the three of us spent most of the week getting drunk until daybreak. The nightshift staff at our hotel quickly grew accustomed to the three of us stumbling into the lobby at 5am completely wasted and singing Tom Jones ballads at the top of our lungs.
However, my mother was less than impressed. She was sharing a room with my little brother which was right next to the room I was sharing with Lefty and Dano and she was not keen on being woken up in the early hours of the morning by three drunken teenagers. So on the third day my mother made a suggestion over breakfast.
"Why don't you guys go to Gibraltar for a few days?" She asked, "I read a flyer on the notice board in the lobby and the hotel is organising a trip down there tomorrow. It will last three days."
"How long will it take to get there?" I asked.
"Not long," My mother said, "About a day's travel."
I mulled it over and wondered whether or not Dano, Lefty and myself could be trusted to go to the other side of the country without parental supervision. The fact that we were old enough to be living independent of our parents was by the by. Lefty was a pathological stoner and Dano was a certifiable lunatic. It was not a good mix.
In the end I rationalised that since technically we would not be alone on the trip (other hotel guests we had befriended would be accompanying us) then it would not be so bad. So I said we would go.
The Rock of Gibraltar is situated on the south coast of Spain on the narrow strait separating Africa from Europe. Its most famous attraction is the free-ranging monkeys that inhabit dens in high reaches on the rock. They are the only wild monkeys that live in Europe.
As we sat on the coach, the ever-so friendly and slightly camp holiday rep, Simon, informed us that in Gibraltar the monkeys are known as "Rock Apes", and that they are actually native to Northern Morocco and Algeria. Tailless and very sociable, how these monkeys were first introduced to Gibraltar is unclear but according to legend, Gibraltar will fall from British rule if the monkeys cease to exist on the rock. To this end, Winston Churchill ordered the import of more monkeys from Morocco to replenish and maintain the monkey population when their numbers dwindled to as less as three following the end of the Second World War.
Simon claimed that in recent years it has been reported the monkeys have multiplied to nuisance levels and as a result, the government of Gibraltar ordered the culling of a group of the "Rock Apes" for vandalizing property and attacking children.
So naturally the moment the three of us stepped off the coach and breathed in that British colonial air, the first thing we wanted to do was go see the monkeys.
Well, that's what Lefty and I wanted to do.
Dano was less than enthusiastic:
"I would rather fellate a dead horse." He said defiantly.
"Come on, man," I pleaded, "We have come all this way and we're not going to be here for long. We have got to see the monkeys."
Eventually, I reasoned with the stubborn bastard by assuring him that after we had been to see the monkeys we could go find a bar, get drunk and find some women. I even promised to help him get laid. He seemed to like this part even though he told me in no uncertain terms that he had perfect game and he needed no help in that department. How he could say such things while wearing socks and sandals was beyond me but I digress.
It turned out that we had chosen a lousy time to come to Gibraltar. The place was covered in a blanket of dense fog that had swept in off the Atlantic and was making the weather uncomfortably hot and muggy. We knew that once we reached the top of the rock then the fog would be twice as thick and humid.
Sod it, we thought, we were there to see the monkeys not enjoy the view.
The easiest way to reach the summit is via the cable cars that frequently run up and down the slopes. It is a nice experience on a clear day because the view of the city and the surrounding landscape is slowly revealed to you as the car climbs up to the top. It's quick enough if you are a bit impatient to get to the top but also quite relaxing if you are not in the mood for hustle and bustle.
Unfortunately for us there was little to no view because of the fog. Worse still, the damn car broke down halfway through the journey up the slope. I was not too fussed. I grew up on a fairground and I was used to rides breaking down without feeling the need to panic.
Dano, however, was becoming quite agitated. Later we would realise that it was because he was claustrophobic although at the time of course he would never admit it. Instead, he just ranted and raved about the ineffective engineers who were struggling to get us back on the move.
But of course, I had Lefty on hand to help me keep Dano in line, which he did, in his usual way by getting the howling mad bastard stoned. Although this time a joint would have to wait because we were in cable car crowded with people.
Instead, Lefty slipped Dano a few Morphine tablets - The kind of morphine tablets that are used for people suffering from chronic cancer pain.
Had I known how the drugs would affect Dano then I would probably have jumped out of the cable car screaming like a hysterical manbitch.
Finally, after about thirty minutes, the car started moving again and we reached the peak. Like we expected, the fog was dense and the weather was humid. As I tread along the much-travelled paths with my cousins in tow I became increasingly perturbed that I could only see about six feet in front of me.
How the hell was I going to see any monkeys in this mist?
Dano was voicing similar concerns, albeit in a less gregarious fashion. Morphine will do that to you.
"Where are these fucking chimpanzees?" He slurred.
"They're not chimpanzees, Dano," I replied.
"Oh yeah, how the hell would you know?" He spat belligerently, swaying gently from one foot to another.
"Forget about it," I sighed, "We'll probably see them soon."
But we didn't.
We were wandering around for 15 minutes and we had not come across any monkeys yet. I could hear them chattering away in the distance but so far the fog was preventing us from seeing them at distance.
After 5 more minutes, Dano decided that he needed a break from walking. He was becoming increasingly lethargic with each step and when he found a rock to sit on he slouched down so hard I thought he was going to fall on his ass. We were sat at an intersection that branched off into three different pathways and it was deserted. Lefty leant against a wall and started to roll up a joint as Dano rummaged in a plastic bag for the sandwiches that had been kindly prepared for us by the staff at the hotel. Apparently in Spain two Egg mayonnaise sandwiches and a small bottle of water constitutes an all-inclusive meal. I did not turn my nose up at what was passing for our lunch but I was sure as hell going to get me a Burger King or a MacDs later. But Dano was perfectly content to eat these soggy tasteless edibles as his main meal.
As Dano munched away and grunted occasionally thorough mouthfuls of bread, I figured I could walk further down the path to find these elusive monkeys and come back in about 10 minutes to fetch the others.
So off I wandered down the beaten path.
After about five minutes I came to a section that had a wall bearing a plaque of some kind. For the life of me, I cannot remember what the plaque was for but I think it was a memorial of some kind, no doubt in remembrance of the many British soldiers who have served on Gibraltar in the last century.
My recollection of what was inscribed on the plaque is hazy because my attention was drawn to gap in the wall that overlooked the other side of the rock. Curious, I poked my head though the gap and looked down to see a sheer drop down on the rocks below.
Blimey, I thought, wouldn't like to fall down there.
Then it happened.
BAM!
A monkey popped up from out of nowhere and got right in my face.
I damn near shit myself. One second there was nothing and then all of a sudden he's all "Hello look at me, I'm a cheeky little monkey!" Ooooh-oooooh-oooooh-ahhhhh-ahhhhh-ahhhhhh!"
I could not get away from the little bastard quickly enough.
I stumbled back over my own feet and fell on my arse in a blind panic. The monkey was quickly through gap and off the wall in a few seconds. He jumped down to the floor in front of me and cocked his head to one side slightly, evaluating this big hairless ape that had wandered into its living room.
He stared at me and I just stared right back at him. It was a tense moment. Ice ages came and went. Stars were born and died. I felt a slick film of cool sweat forming on my forehead. The monkey broke eye contact and looked inquisitively at the plastic bag I had dropped in my panic to get away from the wall.
The plastic bag that contained my own Egg mayonnaise sandwiches.
As I watched the monkey edge closer towards the bag I remembered something about how the monkeys were becoming a bit of a nuisance to tourists because they kept stealing their belongings. But before this thought could fully register, the monkey had grabbed my bag, hopped back over the gap in the wall and vanished into the fog.
The thieving little bastard.
Damn, I thought, guess it's going to be a Big Mac and fries for me then.
But at least I had gotten to see a monkey.
As I trekked back down the path to Dano and Lefty, I heard what I then mistook for 'monkey banter' - the chattering between the Rock Apes that can frequently be heard echoing around the slopes. After about a minute I realised that while the pitch and tone of the noises I was hearing was as strained and high-pitched as that of the monkeys, I was also hearing a noise that was unmistakably human.
"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, YOU THIEVING LITTLE SHIT!" Somebody shrieked.
The cry was met with an insane amount of ungodly monkey screeching. It sounded like there were 50 of them around the next corner.
I bolted up the pathway and pounded back towards where I had left and Dano and Lefty.
As I barrelled through the fog and turned the corner, I arrived at the intersection to be met with a sight I will remember to my dying day.
10 minutes earlier, Dano and Lefty had been sitting there alone. When I returned around a dozen monkeys had surrounded them, most of whom were whooping and jeering at an alarming rate. And they were getting louder.
Lefty was obviously fucked up on a combination of morphine and marijuana because he was sat on a rock, pointing at the three monkeys stood in front of him and laughing like a hysterical banshee.
Dano on the other hand was on the floor (!) clutching at one handle of his plastic bag while the Alpha Male of this bunch of flea-bitten thieves pulled at the other handle of the bag in a rather bold attempt to relieve Dano of his sandwiches. Even though the morphine had robbed Dano of the strength to fend off these rapscallions, he was still Shrieking Like A Berserker; only he was not making any sense.
"CUCK YOU, YOU SMELLY FUNTS! GIVE ME SACK MY BANDWICHES!" He roared/slurred.
Of course, being a monkey the Alpha Male just shrieked right back at him.
"OOOOOOHHH-OOOOOOHHHH-OOOOOOOH! ACHHHHHHH! ACHHHHHHH! ACHHHHHH!" The Alpha Male screeched defiantly.
The rest of the monkeys just stood around picking fleas off one another and watched events unfold with great interest.
It was a surreal experience.
Having seen enough I charged into the melee to shoo the little blighters back to whatever crack in the wall they had come from. Unfortunately, I was too late to save Dano's sandwiches.
As the other monkeys scurried away, the Alpha Male took his one last chance to leave the scene with the sandwiches and pulled at the bag with all his might. It tore in half and sent the food spiralling into the air.
That Alpha Male will carry the look of murderous rage on Dano's face to its grave. I had not seen a Murder Death Kill glare quite like it. The Alpha Male knew what he had done wrong and there was no going back. You can just tell with that sort of thing.
In a matter of seconds, Dano was on his feet and lumbering forwards as the Alpha Male grabbed at the sandwiches and bolted towards the safety of the high wall. Screaming Like An Inconsolable Manbitch, Dano charged after the monkey as tore up the path to its refuge. Dano was picking up speed at a rate that belied his drugged stupor. In fact he was going a little too fast.
As the Alpha Male reached the wall he was only one leap away from freedom, but Dano was not far behind. The Alpha Male took one look back at Dano before jumping up over the wall and disappearing into the fog. Dano simply kept on sprinting forward and let out one last Berserker holler before slamming crash bang into the wall and collapsing in a crumpled heap.
I simply blinked my eyes in disbelief and Lefty fell off his seat in a fit of hysterical laughter.
After about five minutes, Dano got to his feet and limped back to join us. Nothing was said. The incident was never spoken of again.
It Was Like Nothing Ever Happened.
The three of us made a quick and unanimous decision to leave the rock and to never return.
As we waited patiently for the cable car to arrive at the top and take us back down to the city below. Dano was sitting on the wall when all of sudden I saw the MDK glare in his eyes again. He was looking over my shoulder at something behind me. I turned to see a monkey sitting nonchalantly on the wall. Before I could open my mouth to say something, I felt a rush of air passed my right ear as something whizzed passed me. I looked and saw a small water bottle, two thirds full, bounce off the head of the monkey who promptly shit himself and fled in panic.
I turned to see Dano pointing his finger and shrieking in delight.
"YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, MOTHERFUCKER!" He raged, "DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET!"
I tried not to look embarrassed in front of the astonished onlookers who were waiting for the cable car with us. Lefty smirked and sniggered at my side as Dano ran to the wall and leaned over, screaming obscenities at the long-departed monkey.
"YOUR ASS IS MINE YOU MONKEY FUCK! JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!" He screamed, voice echoing around the foggy slopes.
Crazy bastard.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-27 04:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha awesome. And the title seems like an 80s fantasy movie.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was amazing!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:35:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
i love this series
would you like to suck my cock BERSERKER
do you want to make some fuck BERSERKER
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2005-08-08 16:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love this series
would you like to suck my cock BERSERKER
do you want to make some fuck BERSERKER
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-07-04 02:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehehe
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-26 01:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gibberish, please. You're a one trick pony.
Submitted by Alithewonderllama (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:14:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually cried laughing at this!
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So did I! 'Cept i'm at work, and trying to supress hysterical laughter just hurts.
++2
Dano is my hero
Submitted by cupzonia (user info) at 2004-08-24 13:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best Dano story yet! keep 'em coming.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:58:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-16 23:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bleh
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-08-16 21:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Instead, Lefty slipped Dano a few Morphine tablets - The kind of morphine tablets that are used for people suffering from chronic cancer pain.
Tramadol hydrochloride I'm guessing. I took ten of those as did a friend one night whilst getting stoned and I can safely say I shall never do it again.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-14 22:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'ghey' doesn't come close. That sucked.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-14 15:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's just fucking ghey
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-13 19:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate to be the one to break a good streak, god knows I've had enough broken, but this is just a solid one to me. Sorry again, man.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-13 15:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The plus 2 exchange.
Great title, great tale.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-13 04:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-11 20:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guess what?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:33:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How can it be anything but 'Tom Screaming in the Cafeteria'?
Go to work, chum.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, baby. You're on top of the heap now. Best ever. Now some prick is going to bring your shit down.
On an unrelated note, I have a list of titles and/or story concepts I keep in a text file on my computer. Whichever strikes me on a given day usually gets woven into a post. Pick one of these and I'll make it my next post:
Spot the Mullet: The Road House Drinking Game
Dirt Clod Wars
Smear the Queer
Pulling the Dragon's Tail
Flying Chunks
Jimbo Enlists
Jimbo Attempts The Bacon-Grease-In-The-Plastic-Cup Trick
Jimbo Attempts The Boiling-Visine-In-The-Eye Trick
First Class - Is That Free?
Tom Screaming in the Cafeteria
Kung Fu Killers vs. The Nunwhippers
My Three Chrome Gods
Snacks
Beer Taste Test
Navy SEALS (the movie)
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It Was Like Nothing Ever Happened.
I fucking love this line. I also love the pictures you've been adding lately, they fucking rock.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god, so funny.
I loved it, yo. Loved it.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome, man. Pure awesome.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually Jimbo, this is one of the stories I had written and kept in reserve. I had forgotten about it until recently.
I was planning a different post about Spider Monkeys.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BEST EVA!
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a side note, this is your monkeys post, yes? Well done.
Submitted by angry_keebler (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The rest of the monkeys just stood around picking fleas off one another and watched events unfold with great interest."
I nearly shit myself. You're good. Very good.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eh who cares if they are true or not?
he tells good stories, just leave it at that
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wicked
Submitted by Just_me_and_the_cats (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a BLAST!
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually cried laughing at this!
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How he could say such things while wearing socks and sandals was beyond me but I digress.
You had earned your +2 long before this, but this just made me roar with laughter.
My boss looks at me weird now-a-days.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything involving monkeys ruining someone's shit gets a +2 in my book.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:58:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's 47 fucking degrees Farhenheit here this morning. IT'S IOWA! WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE 90'S?
What does that have to do with anything?
I have no idea.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bookmarked.
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Scott, I love you with all my heart, please keep poking Dano with a stick so we can have more stories like this.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by whiskas (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn funny.
On a side note, Monkeys are much funnier than Crows.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If Damo IS real, these are legendary stories.
If Damo ISN'T real, these are legendary stories.
I f'ing love you Damo.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, that was great.
I don't think Dano should be allowed to have a passport though. I certainly wouldn't want to be sat near him on a plane.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-08-11 04:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more pictures of you with facial hair please!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-11 02:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahhahaha
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are the Dano stories true?
Ah, now that would be telling wouldn't it?
Mwhahahahahahaha!
But seriously, do you think I could make this up?
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know, but I'm going to ruin his shit and steal his sandwiches.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"CUCK YOU, YOU SMELLY FUNTS! GIVE ME SACK MY BANDWICHES!" He roared/slurred.
Of course, being a monkey the Alpha Male just shrieked right back at him.
"OOOOOOHHH-OOOOOOHHHH-OOOOOOOH! ACHHHHHHH! ACHHHHHHH! ACHHHHHH!" The Alpha Male screeched defiantly.
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Alpha Male made way more sense than Dano did.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahha!
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your pictures and their captions.
Funny stuff.
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Dano series is awesome.
Is it all completely true??
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funnnnnny shiat
Submitted by DancingHobo (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stuff this funny should be illegal.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-10 23:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You made me snort from laughing too hard.
I HATE that.