"I blame her parents." (1845 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.85 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-10 23:50:54 EDT
My parents had Ideas about raising children. They would say it that way to their friends when they thought we couldn't hear them. "We have Ideas about how to raise children." The capital letter was very audible.
When I was seven, the only thing I wanted in the world was a Barbie doll. Oh, how I wanted her. I wanted her synthetic hair and her unrealistically large breasts. I wanted her overpriced clothes and ALL the accessories.
One of my parents' Ideas was that playing with Barbie dolls was bad for a young girls self esteem. Apparently something about platinum blonde hair and huge boobs being the epitome of beaty is unhealthy. I didn't care. I wanted a Barbie.
On my seventh birthday, I asked for a Barbie. I was given books and clothes and a beading kit. All very well chosen gifts, designed to teach and inspire and be practical.
I asked for a Barbie doll for three fucking years. At one point I saved up my pocket money and bought one. I loved her. I got her home and was brushing her hair when Mum came in, and gently explained media stereotyping and unrealistic expectations for an hour, and took her away.
On my tenth birthday, I asked again. I didn't get her. And I may be wrong on this, but giving a ten year old "The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe" is not exactly conducive to said ten year old being a fully functional human being later on in life.
I think it was about two weeks after my tenth birthday that my parents reconsidered. (It may have had something to do with the question "Dad? Could a rat REALLY eat through cloth and not tear your skin off?")
We were given a Barbie. One. I say 'we' because I had to share it with my sister. It was OUR Barbie. It seemed a little unfair to me that my sister got to indulge in the pleasures of Barbie two full years earlier than me, but I wasn't saying anything. I was happy.
We had a Barbie. We fought over brushing her hair and who got to sleep with her. My parents drew the line at buying set after set of clothes, so we decided, with the wholly unsubstantiated confidence of the young, that we'd make them ourselves. We dreamed up beautiful dresses, skirts, tops... everything we made came out like a brightly coloured sack. We had the worst dressed Barbie in the street. "No, our parents aren't poor. They just don't love us."
And under NO circumstances were we allowed a Ken doll. That would lead to thoughts about sexual things between men and women we should not be considering at that age. No Ken doll. But... Barbie needed to dance! She needed to go on dates in her sack clothes! She needed to be loved!
So, we did what any well adjusted children would do. We tore off her leg and called it Ken. It was a beautiful relationship. We drew a face on the foot in felt tip pen. Sometimes, Barbie still wanted to be single and pretty, so we'd reattach her leg. To go out on a date, or have a partner to dance with, she had to be crippled. (There's a metaphor there somewhere, but fucked if I can find it.)
Congratulations, Dad. Your little girls have some screwed up ideas about sex, but we're perfectly comfortable with mutilation.
The day Barbie had her face eaten by the dog was the saddest of my life. She was discarded and never replaced.
So. Fourteen years later, my sister has daughters. They have eleven Barbies between them. Hundreds of clothes, shoes, hats... And a Ken doll. we set to 'organising' them the other day. It was glorious. We brushed their hair, dressed them up, made them beautiful. Yes, I played with dolls.
The point of the story is this - don't fuck up your kids. Don't give them lifelong hangups with innocent things. Because one day, your kids will have kids, and they too will be irrevocably scarred when YOUR children fall back on what they learned in their childhood. I have never seen a little girl as horrified as my niece was the other day, when we eschewed Ken for the romantic ideal as we knew it.
User Reviews
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-20 10:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha!!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-03-20 10:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But you see, I'd still rather be you than Barbie (based on reading one of your posts, please don't get too excited). So your parents did something right.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-11 18:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TL would be thee life-sized versin of your Barbie.
That was almost mean, i'm getting better.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-07-11 16:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-27 15:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My mom would never let us play Chop Sticks on her piano. She called it "senseless banging". How weird does it make me to be able to play Clair de Lune, Moonlight Sonata, and Gollywog's Cakewalk and NOT BE ABLE TO PLAY CHOP STICKS.
I'm going home and figuring out how to play Chop Sticks on my piano. While I'm at it, I'm also going to figure out how to play all the da da da da da da dudduddu dummm that they do during sporting events.
take that MOM
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-16 01:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/30986
Barbie LOVES Ken.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-15 09:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sindy dolls had bigger feet. Perfect for 'reaching around the corner'
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2004-08-14 03:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know, this is a prime example of why i think i need to move to australia. if all the chicks there are as hot as circe, and as crazy-sexy-cool (thanks TLC) as circe, and if drinking is the national sport like i hear it is, then i'm living in, and moving to, the wrong freakin' country.
Circe's Brand, Circe's Brand
Doing the things that Circe Can
If I meet her, will she do me,
Circe's Brand. *Cue the accordion*
(Thanks TMBG)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-12 09:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1Point21Gigawatts - Check damn near any men's room wall in Australia, Singapore, or Europe. For a more detailed list of locations, email me. I have a map I can send you. There are snazzy red arrows on it, even.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-12 09:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:17:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
jumpinjellyfish - If you're a woman, it's charmingly childlike and whimsical. If you're a man, you're a sicko who should be nailed to a tree. (ie, my kinda guy)
1Point21Gigawatts - Something like that. Usually there are goats involved. And a lot of rope.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goats? Interesting...
Can I have your number?
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post!
Submitted by heater (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heat boost!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe- You must have really been fucked over by your parents and Barbie, if you don't want to do me.
Damn Mattel.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jumpinjellyfish - If you're a woman, it's charmingly childlike and whimsical. If you're a man, you're a sicko who should be nailed to a tree. (ie, my kinda guy)
1Point21Gigawatts - Something like that. Usually there are goats involved. And a lot of rope.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:15:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss my Barbie pool...
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Congratulations, Dad. Your little girls have some screwed up ideas about sex, but we're perfectly comfortable with mutilation."
Does this mean you have some sick foot-fetish thing going on?
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My daughter loves her Barbie...I think I love her Barbie too...is that O.K.?
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-11 10:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-11 10:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This should make B@W! And we should all start chanting so Bart can hear us!
--------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-11 04:02:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock more and more every single day.
So tell me, should I be worried about my daughter now? For her first birthday I got her a plush cthulhu doll for her crib. Now I'm worried she's going to want to be a 50-foot tall winged octopus demon with the power to destroy humanity when she grows up.
Incidentally, Cthulhu is getting a lot of action with Raggedy Ann and Madeleine these days. The only other male doll she has is Charles Darwin-- my wife says we're teaching her about the difference between nice guys and scary guys.
------------------------------------------------------
This response was hilarious BTW! All you as parents really have to do is throw a couple vibrating dildos in the crib at an early age and let them play with them like they would any other toy...after a while, the magic will vanish...this would actually be an interesting experiment...I think I'll try it with my kids if I ever have any by accident.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Schlongy, I'm never going to be fucked up enough to do you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope you're not too fucked up sexually to do me.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:27:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations, Dad. Your little girls have some screwed up ideas about sex, but we're perfectly comfortable with mutilation.
classic
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I loved this. I just loved it.
Thanks.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this post.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliance
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Added to "Fetish Reccomends" on UberSearch +2.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you swap a Barbies legs and arms over?
You could with Thundercats. Liono! Schnarf, schnarf.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cock_whistle: I don't care if you're a genius, (and after reading your stuff, part of me thinks you might be) I'm not... speak english, because I don't understand what you mean. It almost makes sense but it eludes me.
Submitted by cock_whistle (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please Circle, Please!!!
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-08-11 04:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by cock_whistle (user info) at 2004-08-11 04:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Formit to the Subnet!! Do It, Before It Is Too Soon A Lateness!!
Submitted by punchdrunk (user info) at 2004-08-11 04:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cock_whistle (user info) at 2004-08-11 04:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I Say Blame The Post Milk. But Who Is Not Her?? For Never Liking It, She Paid...
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-11 04:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock more and more every single day.
So tell me, should I be worried about my daughter now? For her first birthday I got her a plush cthulhu doll for her crib. Now I'm worried she's going to want to be a 50-foot tall winged octopus demon with the power to destroy humanity when she grows up.
Incidentally, Cthulhu is getting a lot of action with Raggedy Ann and Madeleine these days. The only other male doll she has is Charles Darwin-- my wife says we're teaching her about the difference between nice guys and scary guys.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-08-11 03:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:01:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Aaaand I love you...
Oh and that idea of trading kisses for He-Man? Little boys don't like kisses. They are scared of girl germs.
My brother's had He-Man dolls, I just stole them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He-Man is not a doll. He is an action figure. There is a big differance there.
Good post though.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-08-11 03:41:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww... but I was under the impression that the whole point of having kids is so that you can screw them up like your parents did you!
I can't wait I tell you!
The things I have planned!
The "educational" toys I'm going to buy and the looks on their faces when they realise its not a super blaster water gun that can knock people over...
The phrases Im going to say "If you run away and get lost - don't come crying to me!" and "No!" (ha! heard that one a lot so I did!)
Ahhh thats what its all about.
I see no other reason to squeeze a baby out of my lady bits!
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-08-11 03:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So, we did what any well adjusted children would do. We tore off her leg and called it Ken."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
+2 - Great story
Submitted by veins_of_glass (user info) at 2004-08-11 03:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a friend whos parents are like that. They arent allowed much T.V, commercialism you see.
I used to cut my Barbies hair into Mohawks. Kicked. Arse.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-11 03:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS and Scott - It's all good. At least people can rate it honestly now, without worrying about breaking a streak.
Shandy - You have no idea how much therapy I'm going to need because of that statement.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-08-11 03:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm confused. i thought the REASON we had children was so they could be a repository for our hangups. and then they in turn could pass them on. isn't that the point of it all?
on another matter, prickle would like to borrow some of those barbies for a photo shoot idea he has.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-08-11 03:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great writing. You have no idea how much I relate to that.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-11 03:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This shouldn't be anything but a perfect +2
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-08-11 03:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautimous
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-11 02:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by firestarter (user info) at 2004-08-11 02:38:38 (#)
Ranking: -2
I blame the media
--------------------------
C-MON! Breaking a streak is one thing, but -2ing this??? You need you head examined! You probably tried to dissect your Barbies with scalpels, right???
Submitted by firestarter (user info) at 2004-08-11 02:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I blame the media
Submitted by WallFlower (user info) at 2004-08-11 02:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:03:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely thinking the train of thought that lead to the amputation was a direct result of the Poe anthology.
Barbies never gave me any mental issues outside of a burning desire to wear big, pouffy, swirly dresses and heels ALL the time.
-------------------------------------------------------
Pouffy swirly dresses are not so bad!
--------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:01:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Aaaand I love you...
Oh and that idea of trading kisses for He-Man? Little boys don't like kisses. They are scared of girl germs.
My brother's had He-Man dolls, I just stole them.
------------------------------------------------------
I would fell for it! I was always a pushover, especially when it came to girls. Guess you could say I was preparing myself for the real world where men have to give up their toys for women all the time.
PS: Stealing is wrong, didn't Barbie ever teach you that?
Even as a boy, Barbies taught me so much about the female anatomy that I would otherwise have had to wait until I was 9 for my dad to start watching pornos with me to find out. Ahh, the glory days... You all might be wondering where I get all this knowledge of girl toys...I had two sisters. Anyone remember Strawberry Shortcake??? Rainbow Bright??? They were HOT!!!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never wanted a Barbie..my cousin, who is very close in age to me, had Barbie everything. House (with elevator), plane, car, all of it.
However, although she had a room devoted to her many plastic toys, we spent many an afternoon creating "Mr. Smiley" the doll and his friends (hand sewn with felt and pipe cleaners, kleenex box cars, etc). We even wrote books (complete with hand-sewn binding and laminating covers).
Oh, I loved it.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely thinking the train of thought that lead to the amputation was a direct result of the Poe anthology.
Barbies never gave me any mental issues outside of a burning desire to wear big, pouffy, swirly dresses and heels ALL the time.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aaaand I love you...
Oh and that idea of trading kisses for He-Man? Little boys don't like kisses. They are scared of girl germs.
My brother's had He-Man dolls, I just stole them.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's awesome! It's funny, just beyond the trauma zone, when kids finally get the humor we adults see, they usually laugh too.....eventually after all the years of therapy. =)
You rock, by the way!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
electrictoothsyndrome - I took that picture the other day. My sister and I really did take of Barbie's leg and make her dance with it. After I saw the look on her daughter's face, I had to take the picture.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, that picture just sets this post off...did this actually happen to you, or did you find that picture and write the fiction around it??? Just curious. Either way, it's still genius!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have just given me an idea for a post...
but for now...I will give my comments and leave. Children are meant to be children. It's only when parents focus on the bad things that can arise from what a child is taking as innocent fun with no further thought do the consequences that are feared actually arise. It's not Barbie dolls that make young girls think that in order to be beautiful you must be 6'2" and blonde with disproportionate boobs, it's magazines that adults buy, and TV shows that adults make, and so-called "celebrities" that adults admire that so this.
People take life way too seriously by focusing on the details and not enough on the big picture that life should be about happiness, about love of your family and friends, and about trying to find peace in a chaotic world, and if a Barbie doll might make that happen for a little girl - if she's mine - you better believe that that's what she'll get, because I love her and want to see her be happy.
Parents shouldn't superimpose their psychosis upon their children just because in some subconcsious way they feel like it will turn them into what they grew up hating...that's just wrong.
I know this Barbie episode didn't scar you in any irrepairable sense, but neither would actually having a Barbie in youth. If anything, it propably would have given you a better memory of how your parents were when you were young.
At any rate..next time you are a child - nevermind the fact that it only seems to happen once - instead of a leg for a date, go find a boy and tell him you'll trade him a kiss for a He-Man. Then Barbie can date He-Man, who is far more exotic and sexy than Ken any day!
(Good post...I'll post the one you gave me the idea for as soon as I find the time. thanks for a good read as always...)
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by Kellio (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh well, at least your parents had good intentions.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd do barbie with one leg or two.
there, i said it.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Barbies were always hideous. I would give them God-awful haircuts, leaving them with spiky hair and bald spots. I would color more makeup on them with magic markers. I had the hardest time getting their high heels to stay on, so I would wrap Scotch tape around her feet to keep them in place.
Until I got a Ken doll, my Barbies mated with Teddy Ruxspin.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:27:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:01:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
So many shades of the awesomeness rainbow.
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jebus. Reasons to use spellcheck: This post.
Durae, why do want to make me cry?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome does not quite cut it.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved my barbies. All ten of them, with their crazy vacation setups, convertibles, swimming pools, and little high heels (neener).
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:03:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am beginning to understand you Circe.
Well, a little maybe. :)
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-11 00:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So many shades of the awesomeness rainbow.