I'm a Murderer (2301 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.91 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kristen (View user info) at 2004-08-11 05:33:23 EDT
A couple mornings ago, I had the pleasure of reading this post:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40967
Upon reading that, I was flooded with feelings of apprehension. Weeks had passed without a mishap. There had been a complete lack of bugs, reptiles, and greasy men in my life and I enjoyed the respite. I had nearly forgotten such atrocities existed in the world. Life was full of rainbows, fluffy clouds, and Goldfish crackers.
And then I read that. As I mentioned, dread cast a shadow over me comparable to that of a great forest of Redwood trees. Under this cloak of trepidation, I decided to go for a walk. After all, the 110-degree, rainy weather had given way to a pleasant 86 degrees of sunny bliss. I tied on some Adidas and walked to the door, chucking my worries at the threshold.
The open door allowed the warm, pleasing rays of sun inside. The scent of freshly cut grass wafted in. I could hear a sprinkler in the distance. A long, thin, black snake darted through the door and through my legs, toward a potted plant in the foyer.
I'm not a fan of anything with four legs, six legs, or eight legs. I'm not a fan of anything with zero legs, aside from Vietnam veterans. Snakes certainly haven't a place in my heart. But I didn't jump. I didn't cry. I didn't run. I didn't even scream. I reached into the umbrella stand stationed on the front porch and grabbed a multi-colored umbrella I received after opening an account at my bank. As I lifted it, I could have sworn that the pointed metal tip of the umbrella glinted in the bright sunlight.
Leaving my front door open, I turned on me heel and began my journey to the small ficus tree. Stealthily, quietly, I approached the slithering beast. I poked benignly behind the plant, just trying to locate the snake's exact whereabouts.
Big mistake.
The snake rose up to its full height.
"Oh, it's on, bitch."
I raised my umbrella and slashed the initial "K" into the air.
And so we began the intricate dance. The snake lunged forward, fangs bared. I sidestepped him and thrust the umbrella at him. He was pinned. Sliding the pointed tip along the snake's body, I gave him a final warning and a nudge toward the front door. He seemed to submit and began making his way to the door, defeated. I slowly relaxed my weapon.
The snake seemed to sense my lack of guard. He made a desperate lunge for my ankle. I swung around with a guttural roar, whacking the snake onto its back and stabbing the metal point into its soft underbelly, just enough to let him know who was boss. He tried to coil and snap one last time. The small amount of sympathy I had left evaporated. I hoisted myself up on the handle of the umbrella, pushing it into the snake with all my weight, not stopping until I heard the metal make contact with the wood floor underneath. He stopped struggling, going limp almost immediately. I spit on him before lifting the umbrella to chuck it out the front door...
...And it wiggled! The thing was dead, yet still flapping spastically where it dangled from the makeshift spear.
Eeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwww!
I flung the umbrella into the front yard and ran next door to get my neighbor, Crocodile Billy Bob. Since his trailer lacks a front door, I clapped my hands loudly to get his attention. He came to the space where his door should have been, wearing soiled, frayed overalls and mashing a long strand of wheat between his toothless gums. I explained the situation to him and he followed me back to my house to investigate.
Kneeling over the snake's corpse, he made a quick diagnosis.
"Black racer, uh-huh. Mean ol' snakes but they ain't got no zip in their bite."
"Is it dead?" I asked, not forgetting the post-stab flailing.
He looked at me, eyebrow crooked. "Yes'm, looks like it died gittin' stabbed wif an umbreller."
He slowly pulled the umbrella from the gut of the snake and started to hand it back to me.
I waved my hands frantically in front of me.
"No, no thank you! I don't want it back, you can toss it!"
"Yer not gonna et it?"
"What? The umbrella?"
"No, the snake. Yer not gonna et it?"
"You are?"
"If'n yer not gonna, I will. You mean I can have this here umbreller too?"
Crocodile Billy Bob is special.
"Yes, Billy, you can have the umbrella too."
He headed home with his dinner. I turned to go back inside my snakeless house. I got to the front door and noticed I had left it ajar.
The hairs no the back of my neck stood up as I slowly pushed the door all the way open. Creeping inside, I looked around, expecting a resurrection of the snake. A quick look behind the ficus tree allowed me to exhale. All clear. I turned to head upstairs, relieved, when I saw it.
A black spider, the size of a quarter, sat on the wall.
With a deep breath, I grabbed a rolled up newspaper from the hall table. Here we go again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-30 08:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not that great
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for representing umbrella style
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-15 14:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The snake you just killed was busy looking for diseased mice and rats. Mice and rats that are far more than a measly black racer. FREE OF CHARGE, he was eliminating pests for you. And you killed him, you insensitive bitch.
But it was well-written, so what the hell.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-14 00:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not a fan of anything with zero legs, aside from Vietnam veterans.
---------------
That part was great. And then it went uphill from there.
Yay Kristen!
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-08-12 13:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wuv wu, Kwissy.
:-)
ME
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-08-12 02:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We don't get snakes like that in Chicago.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-12 02:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have my bebbes, you sexy thang you
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-08-12 01:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please go see Napoleon Dynamite. That movie is amazing.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-11 20:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1Point, are you joking?
Jo, I'm doing really well. Life is almost too ordinary at the moment, but I really shouldn't complain considering some of the alternatives. I just started working again and have my first class on the 16th...I'm a little nervous. I'll probably throw up Monday morning or something and be fine.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not a REAL murderer, doll. You're more like a superhero: you only kill villianous snakes and spiders. It's not murder if they're evil!
Now get on yahoo. We have much things to discuss.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-08-11 11:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love your style.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-11 10:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Babe
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yaaaaaaaay Kristenpost!
Woo!
I hate snakes. I am Indiana Jones to the eight zillionth power. One of the most horrifying days of my life was when I was out running with my field hockey coach, and we came across a snake laying out in the middle of the trail (we were on the cross country trail in the woods)...we didn't see it until we had to leap over it, yelping like idiots. *shudder* I just had to pull my feet up under me. Ugh, I have the heebie-jeebies now.
I was just starting to re-read your posts toavoid lapsing into twitching withdrawl. Where have you been? How are you doing?
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great day in the morning, Kristen is actually posting again.
Sweet post too.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crocodile Billy Bob eats umbreller snakes.
Gay?
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:08:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
my neighbor is named Joshua and he's a banker. He does say "umbreller", though.
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Bankers live in trailers where you live?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Them's good eatin'.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not a fan of anything with zero legs, aside from Vietnam veterans.
Class.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Come to butthead."
I have that mp3
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JewToast. (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come to butthead.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you not gonna et it?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, that beats hell out of the running-screaming-gibbering-like-a-lunatic method of attack that I probably would have fallen back on.
And this line: "Crocodile Billy-Bob is special" was golden.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-11 06:08:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, trying to remember who said what...
Andy, my neighbor is named Joshua and he's a banker. He does say "umbreller", though.
Bec, I'm doing fine. I'll shoot you an email when I wake up tomorrow...erm, today.
Ducky, if I ever see a wolf spider, I'm not doing a Mexican hat dance. Maybe a tango.
hairycoo, maybe because it's after 5 in the morning and I'm exhausted, but that cracked me up you sick bastard.
creep, What is THAT supposed to mean???
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good! Go you.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like my women with zero legs.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear that when it rains, it pours with stuff like that. We have wolf spiders the size of buicks up here. Sure fire method: grab the largest book you have, throw it on top of the beast, and proceed to do some sort of makeshift mexican hat dance on top of it. Never fails, and good post.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha.....
Hey you haven't been on AIM in a while, how are you?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
please tell me your neighbor is a fictional character.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-11 05:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahahaha