Bart Gotti and the TardFellas (Pt. 1) (1010 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.8 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by harmlessness (View user info) at 2004-08-11 07:02:40 EDT
CAST:
Bart Gotti - Godfather of the uberafia
Eric Feticci - Lowly peon hitman for the uberafia.
John K. Mang - Prison guard at Uber Penitentiary.
Tim B. Harmlessness - Long-time rival and personal enemy of Eric Feticci
Tom D. Uber - Tim B. Harmlessness' partner in crime, also an enemy of Eric Feticci.
Electro Cution - Tim B. Harmlessness' brother-in-law.
Poly M. AyJay - Tom D. Uber's brother-in-law.
Lojo Pay - call girl.
Ohlook A. Squirrel - Tom's woman
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SETTING:
1933, New York City
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Prologue:
Eric picked up the phone and dialed the familiar numbers, ones he had dialed thousands of times before. As it rang, he contemplated hanging up but decided against it. Boss doesn't like prank calls. He heard the deep, Italian voice on the other end - "Yeah, whaddaya want?"
"Boss, I wanna kill these two worthless fucks that keep bothering me at Club Uber." Eric cringed, anticipating the harsh yelling that came over the phone so often.
"Whata their names? And why?" Boss sounded interested, yet disgusted.
"Well, boss, Tom D. Uber and Tim B. Harmlessness. Lately they've been harassing my crew and frankly, I'm getting' pretty fuckin' sick of it." Eric's confidence was growing, and he was beginning to smile.
"Kid, are you fuckin' gonzos? You know how much heat would be on us if you was to kill them guys? You have any fuckin' idea how that could affect us? Drop it, kid, it's for the best."
The line went dead. Eric sat in silence, listening to the computerized buzz in the earpiece. After a few more seconds, he grunted and slammed the phone down.
"Boss ain't gonna do this to me. Them boys been fuckin' with my crew an' they's gonna get what they's deserves." He popped open the small wooden box of Cubans on his table and grabbed one of the illegal cigars. With one smooth motion, he closed the box, grabbed the lighter, and lit it. He inhaled deeply, filling his lungs with white smoke.
He exhaled.
"I'm going to do this. As for Boss, he's fuckin' dead, too. All those stupid fucks are dead."
Eric hastily jumped up out of his leather chair, in complete shock. "What the fuck was that?" He turned around to see a large cigar cherry slowly burning a hole through the expensive material covering his chair.
That angered him.
That angered him more than any of the events of the day. Really, it was just adding insult to injury. Throwing salt in a wound, if you will. His face was glowing a bright red, and he remembered the cartoons he saw in books, people with steam blowing out of their ears. That's how he imagined his cartoon character.
(To Be Continued.)
User Reviews
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-06 20:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-20 17:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't get a part?
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-08-18 20:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by negative_twoer_of_fetish (user info) at 2004-08-13 10:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:35:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
Cuban cigars were legal in 1933.
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Uhh, not these kind..
Submitted by Socky (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NIFTY! Do I get a part?
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I ran a pattern recognition program on this post. The match it came back with was "Gold".
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
COOL.
where am I?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:35:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
Cuban cigars were legal in 1933.
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Very true, but they sure are some good smokes.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't see me. What the fuck.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in it, kinda.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cuban cigars were legal in 1933.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:12:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
Kent, you'll see where this story's going, and trust me - you'll love it.
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Well, keep writing, then.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kent, you'll see where this story's going, and trust me - you'll love it.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The Goodfellas referrence was mildly amusing, and the picture is nice.
But Fetish couldn't kill a fuckin' cow from two feet away with a 30.06. In the next installment, he should get blown away while he's jacking off in the john.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-11 07:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Swing, swing, swing!