How not to sledge (655 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.83 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ancius (View user info) at 2004-08-11 08:01:30 EDT
This is long. But I'm introducing myself. So there is a bit of backstory.
When I was a kid, me and my family lived in the middle of nowhere.
Looking back on it, it was really an amazing place to grow up. Totally safe, no cars, no muggers, no strange men in trench coats offering you sweeties.
And absolutely bugger all to do.
So, me and my older brother used to just make shit up. If you have ever seen any of those safety films as a kid that show you what not to do on a farm by killing off each child one by one (one kid drowns in slurry in the one I watched...disturbing), well, we did all of that. We had absolutely no regard for our own safety. At all.
Given this propensity for self destruction, a huge advantage of living in this place was the snow it got. I can remember walking 5 feet from my door and dropping into a snow drift up to my chest.
Lots of snow + big hills + stir crazy kids.....
So one year we get a ton of snow. And I mean blizzards. In the north of England it can get pretty damn Baltic. It's not like Austria or Switzerland where you can be in snow and the sun shines. It blows a bloody gale.
So we are out sledging with our little plastic sledges and I decide that I want to go to the top of the biggest hill around to get a really long run. So, leaving my oblivious sibling behind I advance into the wind. Now, as I go up the snow turns to ice and the wind really starts blowing. Dangerous conditions for a small child carrying a plastic sledge that actually blew around in the wind as if trying to escape. It was almost, in the absence of anybody else with any sense, trying to talk me out of it.
I am not having any sledge tell me what to do, so eventually I get to the top. Visibility is about 10 feet. I am surrounded by ice, it's blowing a force ten. My sledge swings up behind me and smacks me on the back of the head.
SLEDGE: "Don't be a fuckwit. Your going to get hurt"
I manage to get the damn thing down on the ground and sit on it, and, with feelings of great excitement regarding the length of my upcoming ride, I push off.
"Christ this thing is moving fast"
"oh no...bad idea....shit really bad idea....fucking BAD IDEA!!!!"
"YAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!!!"
Then I hit a bump and take off. I don't mean jump, I mean take off. And I'm sailing through the air and it's like I get brain freeze or something
"I wonder what we're going to have for tea tonight"
"Is that my sledge sailing away in front of me? Hmmm...must be"
WHAM!
"OH MY GOD I THINK I BROKE MY ASS BONE!"
now, if anyone has ever hurt or broken their coxsics (sp) or assbone, you will know the pain I was in.
So here I am, a small child on the side of a mountain in the middle of a gale with a broken ass and no-one knows where I am.
Time to panic?
I think so!
So I'm lying there in the snow, curled up in my own little ball of pain, when the shock wears off and I realise that if I stay here I'm going to freeze to death. The rest of what happened is a bit of a blur. I can't really remember walking, but I do remember my big brother advancing through the snow like Scott of the Antarctic or something, carrying the ruins of my sledge with him. He checks me over, and seeing nothing visibly wrong, and, being my older brother, proceeds to take the piss.
I let him get away with this because as far as I was concerned, the git had just saved my life. However I could only take so much before the pain forced me to tell him to shut the fuck up and take me home. Which he did.
Turns out I hadn't broken anything, but I was sat bare assed in a big bowl of iced water for a while.
And what does my brother do? Laughs his ass off and takes pictures.
Bastard.
User Reviews
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sledge? I kept thinking you were carrying a large mallet with you. it's called a Sled on this side of the pond. good story though.
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was only 12 i think, so my ass was nowhere near as big as it is now.
And if you think i'm posting naked 12 year old pictures of myself, you are sorely mistaken.
Submitted by blowme (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha nice work
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and it's "coccyx." I do a lot of crosswords.
Submitted by DBPH (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"SLEDGE: "Don't be a fuckwit. Your going to get hurt"
Haha. Nice work. Should have posted the pictures though.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-11 09:17:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm from NEW England, in the States, and I think everyone in my neighborhood has a story like this. They usually incorporate "and then, as I slid down the hill, the Whites' car turned the corner..." though.
"sat bare assed in a big bowl of iced water"...that must have been one wicked big bowl.
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep I have hurt my ass bone whilst snowboarding! Seemed a good idea at the time to go off ramps after only just learning how to board 3 hours before
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-11 08:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
welcome, good first post