the calfs...my weakest muscle... (1376 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.12 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by screaney (View user info) at 2004-08-11 14:22:29 EDT
my calfs are puny and not worthy of the most effeminate of girly men. i was cursed with having thin ankles, small calf muscle bellies, and short tendon insertions. i haplessly inherited my father's uselessly miniscule calfs. needless to say, my mother always ridiculed my weakness as her calfs are huge and unwieldly. somehow her calfs had grown into cows. (pun*) this is a major embarassement. any woman with more muscular and larger calfs than my own deserves to punch me for my weakness.
to improve upon this disparagement, i've hit up the gym with the intent of calf building. this has proven to be very boring and painstakingly ineffectual.
many people find it difficult to develop the calve muscles. this is primarily because daily walking has toughened these muscles to the point where it takes exceptionally intense training to force them to grow. a great man (schwarzenegger) once admitted that his calfs were a real weak point and it took him 3 years of solid, 6 days per week, training to finally achieve his highly coveted 20 inch mind-blowing calfs. i admire his persistence. but i have neither the money for anabolic steroids nor the time to train 3 hours a day.
what's worse, the calf muscles are the type of muscles that vary vastly from one person to another. so it is not uncommon to see little girly men with childlike bicep and chest development hosting the largest pair of calfs in captivity. these tweakers are so weak, but their calf anomalies give them much credit as they can surely stomp the shit out of me and my diminuitive lower legs.
through all of this zaniness, my lesson to you is this: the next time you are sizing up a guy, perhaps to see if you can beat him in a fight, do not worry about how big his arms and chest are. instead, observe his exposed calf muscles. if they aren't exposed, try to cop a feel of his calfs before the alercation begins. just proffer some excuse like "i want to make sure your shoe is tied before i beat you into oblivion...??!?!", then furtively give a quick rub up and down his leg as you feign to see if his shoe is tied.
- if they look or feel larger than yours but are undefined, he is a slow and sloppy fighter. not too much of a threat.
- if his muscles are smaller than yours, but sharply defined and veiny, he is fast and precise in his fighting movements. keep on your toes.
- if his calfs are large, sharply cut with muscle separation between the gastrocnemius and the soleus muscles being readily apparent, run for the hills right away. you are a dead man.
- finally, if the guy has thin, birdlike little pins extending from knee to ankle, you had better call the mortician, because this guy is going to hell in a hand-basket.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-12 13:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If that's indeed true Big Mike, I'm kinda surprised that you haven't already started gnawing on your own calves.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-08-12 08:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Being a big bastard and all, my calves have beefed up quite nicely.
Tip to beef up calves & thigh muscles: Start playing rugby union, make sure it's a position in the scrum though. Pretty much all your scrumming power comes from your legs.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You could feed most of a small third world country with my calf muscles. They are big and muscular. They carry around all this weight all the time.
I have walked on my toes with my weight forward for most of my life.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:04:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Surefire way to have big calves. Be born with abnormally short achillies tendons. You will begin to walk on the balls of your feet for 5 years shortly after learning to walk. This is more comfortable for you and comes easily. By the time you finally learn to walk normally you will be afflicted for the rest of your life with the inability to let down your jeans after rolling them up to wade in shallow water.
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I guess I never noticed much til reading this review, but I do walk on the balls of my feet and my calves are very developed.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Haha! You're a girly man!
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Surefire way to have big calves. Be born with abnormally short achillies tendons. You will begin to walk on the balls of your feet for 5 years shortly after learning to walk. This is more comfortable for you and comes easily. By the time you finally learn to walk normally you will be afflicted for the rest of your life with the inability to let down your jeans after rolling them up to wade in shallow water.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My calves are always picking fights with scrawny legged fools.
Submitted by big_wiggah (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
start jumping rope mofo....go for 3 minutes then a 1 minute break, rinse repeat
30 minutes a day will cure you of your weak ass calves
*he doesnt have calves...he has cows!* is what they'll be saying
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am quick and precise! Take a look at my small, yet well defined, sects-ay leg muslces.
http://img47.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img47&image=4828023-R1-017-7.jpg
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ride a bike to build your calves.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whattya mean "for once"???
Submitted by screaney (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahha, yes it is 'calves' and no i don't use capital letters. my shift and caps-lock keys are broken. by the way, thanks for the advice on the kramer shoes, i saw that episode. i will get a pair soon. to everyone else with small 'calfs', keep drinking milk and eating grass. later.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you'd really like to improve your calfs, try one of the following methods. You can try buying those shoes that basketball players use to improve their jump (kramer wore them once). The shoes have a kinda of step under the front part of the shoe. This is to emphasize the calf when walking, jumping, etc. There are a pair sold on eastbay called Strength Training System Strength Shoe in the basketball section.
Another method is to try tippy-toeing all the time. You can even try doing this while you run. If you run on your tippy-toes (very hard to do by the way) you will greatly emphasize their use and force them to grow.
I'm sure there are more ways out there, but these are the ones I used when I developed my legs to match my upper body. Good luck with your calves (hopefully you'll get some cows soon).
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
For once, I agree with Schlongy.
Also, what's with the "calfs" thing? Its "calves," right? Right? Can I get a judges decision of the spelling of "calves?"
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What's your thoughts and beliefs on "capital letters"?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn funny.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no advice to offer, as I feel I have skinny calves as well.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best post ever