Tom vs. Dano: Dating Games (4034 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.97 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-08-11 14:24:50 EDT
Let's go back in time, shall we? Return to a distant age with me, when men were boys, and girls were targets. College. That time in your life when the only real responsibilities you had were doing your homework and getting fucking shitfaced four nights a week. And there was sex in there, too, I think. Not much (for me, anyway), but some.
Skyler Jane and I hit it off in a chat room one night, and our blossoming romance enthralled all who would listen. We e-mailed, we IM'd, we spent hours talking long distance on the phone. I was captivated by her husky voice and her wild, insouciant outlook on life. We fell in love. Then she flew to Appalachian State to visit me and I found out "She" was in reality a six-foot-three "He" named Scott James who had a penis and a crew cut. Oh, and he brought his insane cousin Dano with him. Really, I felt the only thing I could do at that point was get them drunk and watch the insanity.
They happened to arrive on campus in the midst of the Hiranmayi/ Wendigo saga and Scott and I, having made reparations, decided to throw Dano into the mix between them and see if he couldn't stir up some Welsh trouble. We felt the best way to get the party started was to mix up some Jungle Juice and let the debacle begin.
Things started off crackingly enough, with about 100 drunk coeds crammed into our little apartment. Wendigo was, of course, hanging all over Tom in an effort to let everyone there know exactly who owned whom. Tom looked quite uncomfortable about the whole situation, but was resigned to the fact that there was little he could do.
Dano, on the other hand, was fucking ploughed and hitting on everything with a vagina, hoping that his accent would do most of the heavy lifting for him. And his strategy was working, too. At least, it would work for about thirty seconds, right up until the point were Dano would lose patience with them and blurt out:
"Oi! How's about a shag then, cunt?"
SLAP!! And on he would move to the next target. With about 50 women there, Scott and I felt that he would be busy for quite some time, and it let us set our plan into motion. I went into the kitchen where Wendigo and Tom were sitting, and asked Tom to help me bring the keg up from the car. We had no keg. It was just an excuse to get him away from the beast and Tom immediately recognized the ruse, so he bolted out the door with me.
Scott took the opportunity to steer Dano into the kitchen to let him try his lines with Wendigo. He had prepped Dano in much the same way a sensei would instruct a pupil. Don't give up, change the approach when the situation calls for it, and maintain eye contact.
Dano: "Oi, that's a lot of grog you're downing. You gonna be all right, mate?"
Wendigo: "I have a boyfriend HA HA HA."
Dano: "We're just talking, right? I'm not making any moves yet."
Wendigo: "My boyfriend wouldn't like it if I was flirting with another boy HA HA HA."
Dano: "That's not what I hear- Uh, I mean, is that what we're doing? Flirting?"
Wendigo: "No, I have a boyfriend."
Dano: "Well all right then no need to go on about it. Fancy a shag? I won't tell."
Wendigo: "What's a shag? Is that like a joint?"
Dano: "Yeah mate a bit like that. I've got it in the back room. Care to see it?"
Wendigo: "Well okay, but remember, I've got a boyfriend."
And so they went into Tom's room and closed the door. That was about the time Tom and I came back into the apartment. Scott filled us in when we got there.
Scott: "Okay, Dano's got her back in that room and if everything goes as planned, you'll be free of that beast in no time, Tom."
Tom: "What? I don't get it."
Me: "Don't you see, Tom? If Dano bones the monster, you can break up with her no sweat. She cheated on you, get it? You're in the clear."
Tom's face lit up and he looked like Edmond Dantès escaped from the Chateau d'If. But alas, the pleasure would not last, as the party was disrupted by the most frightening Shrieking imaginable coming from Tom's room. Soon, Wendigo came storming out of the bedroom screeching and swinging a gigantic black double-headed dildo over her head (I swear to God, I don't know where it came from):
Wendigo: "AIRTIGHT!?! I'LL SHOW YOU AIRTIGHT YOU FUCKING COCKSMOKER!!"
Dano: "DON'T BLOODY SHOUT AT ME YOU FUCKING BEAST I'M SPECIAL I'M A GENIU-"
POW!! Black Mamba to the forehead. Dano went down like he got blackjacked and started sobbing on the foyer rug. Scott, Tom, and I started laughing our collective balls off, but Wendigo quickly sized up the situation and determined that we were, in fact, the instigators. She charged straight for us while Scott and I cowered in fear.
Tom, being the good friend that he was, threw himself, Secret Service style, in front of the path of the monster and took a knee shot straight to the balls for me.
Tom: "Gaaaaaarrrgh!!!"
I thanked him in my mind and swore I would repay the debt. Scott and I made a mad dash for it out the fucking front door and down the stairs, screaming into the night. When we came back four hours later, the party was dead, and Tom and Dano were on the couch. Tom had an ice pack on his balls, and Dano had a dildo-shaped welt on his forehead.
They were playing Nintendo Hockey Like Nothing Ever Happened.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-02 07:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol>
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-03-28 03:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You just made a festering turd of a day a little more acceptable.Your a ledgend Jimbo, a fucking ledgend
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by thewho86 (user info) at 2005-09-30 03:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-24 15:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 09:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 20:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2005-01-20 04:00:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh fucking nice one brown eye.... because of course your one post '[Romance] I Want to Cum on Her Face' is the type of thing that we should think about turning into a movie isn't it?
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-09-23 18:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-23 12:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And foiled again...
Submitted by your_brown_eyed_girl (user info) at 2004-08-23 11:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
How this managed to net 42 perfect 2's is far beyond me.
Submitted by SlowBrains (user info) at 2004-08-20 13:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-19 22:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I simply can't give less than +2 to a story about assualt with a dildo.
I had a ginormous dildo in college. So big that it was obviously a gag. I think I found it laying in a storm drain somewhere in Colorado.
Anywho, whenever someone came in my room and started being annoying, or we just wanted them to leave, my roommate would simply shove the huge dildo into their face.
It worked like a charm.
Submitted by TomcatJess (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Guerrilla (user info) at 2004-08-18 02:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful story bravo! Poor SOB had a didlo shape welt. funny as hell
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-08-18 00:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it, but I can't ruin a perfect rating.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-08-17 01:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just plus two haha
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-13 23:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Scott James is 6'6.
Submitted by Enriche (user info) at 2004-08-13 22:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Tom's face lit up and he looked like Edmond Dantès escaped from the Chateau d'If."
+2 if not just for that
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-13 11:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This may have been Überized a little.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-12 15:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep the streak going.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-12 13:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i heart TOM
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit I cant believe I missed this!
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-08-11 21:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a dildo shaped welt on my crotch and it's called my penis.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-08-11 18:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should really thank Tom for giving you all these stories.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great jimbo, just great.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by amy8moo (user info) at 2004-08-11 17:09:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
POW!! Black Mamba to the forehead.
Fucking awesome...just fucking awesome.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-11 16:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why must guys make the most simple of things into a difficult fiasco?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unreal.
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom is a god. Thanks for bringing him to life.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pbtpbptbptbptbbt! gold!
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Airtight.
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom and Dano 2: Electric Boogaloo
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-08-11 15:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom & Dano rule.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love is beautiful
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY!
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass!!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This just ruined the shit of Alien Vs. Predator.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-11 14:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm speechless. I have no speech.