A Tribute to my College Roommates (1036 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by vodka7tall <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-12 10:52:38 EDT
To Cindy;
I have you to thank for everything. If it weren't for you, my wonderful cousin, my mother would have never let me live off-campus. I know at first neither of us was happy with the arrangement. In all the years I'd known you, I never knew how truly cool you were. As a kid, I'd always thought you were a bitch. I'm glad to say that I was wrong. The night we smoked our first joint together was enlightening. Don't worry, I never told your dad about the compromising pictures I found in your closet of you with the football team. By the way, you still owe me fifty bucks from the night you thought it would be a good idea to pull the mattress off my bed, get high, and have house-wide wrestling match. That mattress was never the same after that, and you never paid me your share for the replacement. I sincerely hope I never have to show your dad that photo I kept from the pile in the closet, if you know what I mean. Cash or money order only - I know how many rent cheques you bounced.
To Jason;
The man downstairs. I'm so glad Leslie talked the landlord into renting the basement out to you, despite the fact it probably broke every housing by-law in the book. The room didn't even have a door, for chrissakes. I'm sad that I never got to hear you play your drums. I didn't even mind that you weren't one of those "cool" drummers, like the ones who play in bands. Just ignore those jerks who said that marching band is gay. I will forever remember the night we snuck into your room after you had passed out, tethered you to your bed with my handcuffs, and put lipstick kisses all over your face. I still have the videotape. The home-made 6 man bong that you and Robert fabricated from stolen lab materials will remain a stoner icon for centuries to come.
To Robert;
Your boyish charm and chiselled good looks will carry you far on your quest to become the youngest Prime Minister in Canadian history. That, or your super-human ego will. How you managed to carry such an inflated head on that small frame of a body will remain a mystery to me for eternity. The night you left a rose on my pillow after coming home from meeting the Premier at the Young Conservatives of Canada Convention because I had ironed your shirt for you showed me your true chivalrous manner. No wonder you got laid so much. The attempt that you and Jason made at growing 'shrooms from spores you ordered from Vancouver was a valiant one. I want you to know that I never saw that as a failure, but rather a small step towards something great. Before I met you, I'd never heard of a country called Malta. You just looked Italian to me. Please accept my apologies for asking you about the Maltese Falcon so many times.
To Leslie;
You taught me so many things in the 18 months I lived across the hall from you. I learned that the closet is not the best place to keep your boyfriend's marijuana plant if you expect it to grow. I learned that the cabbage soup diet is a really bad idea for more reasons than one. I learned that I snore entirely too loudly. But mostly I learned that even a Princess Bitch can have a softer moment every now and then. That fateful afternoon when you proved you were neither too dignified nor too conceited to remove your crown and dumpster dive for the welfare of your loyal subjects was one of the most distinguished moments in your reign as the Queen of Mean, despite the 3 day old spaghetti being stuck to your ass afterwards. You used your powers for good and not evil, and thanks to your altruism and dedication to your subordinates, many a Mr. Noodles was enjoyed from that microwave. We didn't even mind that it took 10 minutes to cook them in that piece of shit. It was better than having to wash a pot after cooking them on the stove.
To Kent a.k.a. Joey;
I'm sorry for all the "Joey Bagadonuts" jokes we made behind your back. You looked nothing like that fat bastard in the commercial who did the "churn the butter" dance to Spoonman, other than the fact that you yourself were a fat bastard. Those jokes were hurtful and mean, and we were wrong for telling them. Aw, fuck. Who am I kidding? I'm not really sorry. You were an anti-social prick who cowered up in your room all day and annoyed the rest of us with your stupid tuba music. Tuba, trombone, whatever. Irritating fucking horn blowing is what it was. The night you called the cops on us for making too much noise was not funny. Asshole.
P.S. Your fiance was both fatter and uglier than you, and you were one fat, ugly bastard. I lied when I said she was nice. She was a whale of a bitch - pun intended. You deserve each other.
And To Kevin;
You complete me. The day that Joey Bagadonuts moved out and you moved in was indeed a great day in Rankin House history. Not only did we lose a fat, ugly, cop-calling, horn-blowing dickhead, we gained a friend. I remember coming home every morning at 8:30 from the midnight shift to find you watching cartoons alone in the living room before class, just waiting for me to arrive so we could spark one up. Those wake n' bake mornings we spent quietly giggling at Inspector Gadget and eating ginormous bowls of Corn Pops as the rest of our roommates slept soundly are some the most fond memories of college I have to this day. You will forever have my respect for proving to me beyond a doubt that 7 people is, in fact, the maximum number of (and I use the term loosely) adults that will fit into a 3 foot shower stall.
My days at Rankin House will forever be remembered as some of the best of my life. I will always hold a special place in my heart for each and every one of you. Except you, Joey Bagadonuts, you fat fucking bastard. You can rot in hell for all I care.
User Reviews
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2004-08-12 15:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo!
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-08-12 13:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you were one of the lucky ones, I suppose. I had a drug dealer and pot head from Baytown, TX. And a little munchkin of a coc-head next door, always begging me to smoke cigarettes with him in the stairwell.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-12 13:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, college.
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-08-12 12:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please accept my apologies for asking you about the Maltese Falcon so many times.
-----------------------
Haha
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-12 12:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had a lot of roommates. I only had two. And as we both know, those two were plenty.
And yeah, FUCK that tuba blowing fuckball.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wicked nice.
You kids still say that or am I just a lame-o. What about lame-o? Does anyone say lame-o anymore? Dork?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful!
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Memories of beer bongs and.....bongs of another nature came flooding back. Thanks for the memories.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes me want to make a tribute post about my myriad dysfunctional roommates. But you kicked ass all over the place, so I won't even try.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for sharing.
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-08-12 10:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Class
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-08-12 10:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff...I laughed my ass off!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-12 10:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just awesome