Shockingly Effective Products™- Buy now! (1589 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 2 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LadyPlural (View user info) at 2004-08-12 11:25:24 EDT
Finally, the vacation from heck is over. The six hour car ride home, however, left me ready to kill somebody (by 'somebody,' I mean 'everyone else in the car. Especially my step-brother'. The jellyfish must have done something to his brain).
*switches to infomercial voice*
Sometime after gnawing off my hand to distract myself from the pain of it all, I decided to begin a new direction in behavior modification with Shockingly Effective Products™. Here are only a few of the wonderful items that we offer.
Is your child too loud? Does he or she constantly yell, even in normal conversation? Well, stop buying stock in earplugs and order our handy Portable Volume Adjustor today. Just hook the two wires up to your child's head (instructions included), set the decibel counter to the maximum volume that you are willing to tolerate from your child, and hit the on button. Using our patented Volume Control technology, the PVA delivers a jolt of electricity to your child every time that the set volume is exceeded. No more "Johnny, please quiet down!" "OK MOM!" "My eardrum just ruptured!" From now on, life will be quiet and peaceful. Yes, for only $29.99, you can have peace and quiet. Call today, and we'll throw in an electric nose hair trimmer, ABSOLUTELY FREE! That's right, a $20.00 value, FREE! Call now!
Is your child a cheerleader? Does he or she sprinkle every sentence with the word 'like'?
*testimonial*
"Cyndi just would not stop using the word 'like'. I tried everything- therapy, drugs, taking away her car if the number of 'like's in a sentence exceeded the number of other words- but nothing worked. The therapist kept saying that she didn't have a problem, the drugs made her say 'like' even more (and she was selling them to her friends at school), and when she cried because she couldn't go somewhere without her car, I just didn't have the heart to keep it from her. I was getting desperate. Then, one day, as I was watching Oprah on TV, I saw a commercial for the Like-b-Gone. I ordered one, and I began to see results almost immediately. Now, she rarely says that stupid word at all. Thanks, Like-b-Gone! You really helped me!"
*actual Before footage of Cyndi*
"So I was, like, talking to him, and I was all like "Hey, what's, like, going on?" And he was all like "Stop stalking me." And, like, the way that he like said it was so totally like a total, like, come-on! So I like ran off giggling and called you, because I like KNEW that you'd be SO like interested and all, so like..."
*After footage*
"Before the Like *zzzzt!* OWWWWW *thrashes briefly*-b-Gone, I said li- that word over 1,000 times a day! Now, every time I'm about to say it, I just think to myself, "Is this word really worth the damage that the electricity and thrashing will cause to my hairdo? I don't think so." Thanks, L*mumble*-b-Gone!"
It worked for Cyndi, and it can work for your child as well! It's simple- every time that your beloved offspring utters the work 'like', our patented Like Recognition technology delivers a small shock of behavior modification directly into your child's head. No more translating your child's statements- for only $39.99, this wonderful invention can be yours. Call now, and we'll include an adaptor for your Like-b-Gone that can be set to "You know" and "totally". That's right, a $50.00 value, ABSOLUTELY FREE! Call now!
*fine print voice*
If your child has any pre-existing medical conditions including but not limited to heart arrhythmia, epilepsy, a pacemaker, or a brain, these products may not be for you. Ask your doctor before using any of our products. Shockingly Effective Products™ is not responsible in any way for any side effects, including but not limited to seizures, heart failure, and/or death that may occur.
I'd buy them.
User Reviews
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-06-09 14:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-06-09 14:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i LIKED this one
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-24 16:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks. Ruining a perfect +2 streak for no reason makes me want to beat somebody. And by 'somebody', I mean 'honeypot' or whatever the fuck her name is.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-24 16:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:43:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Ooops upside your head!
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:43:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ooops upside your head!
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-12 18:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-12 18:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gamma, I most certainly am (pending Circe's approval, of course).
the_lone_stranger- zzzzzt (that was a shock, by the way. Since you probably didn't actually recieve it, go stick your finger in an electrical socket until I can mail you our demo version.
What?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-12 16:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like, where can I get one?
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-08-12 12:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You willing to hire a future computer engineer to help design this stuff? :P
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-12 12:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*fine print voice*
hahahaha
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-12 12:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe, you're on. We can also use my two step-brothers and my sister. The best part is, I can say that and not be a bad person. No, I can't. Damn.
Submitted by bluegoddess (user info) at 2004-08-12 12:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where were these when my kids were in high school?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-12 12:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in. I have three kids, we can use 'em as lab rats. Hell, the twins would be perfect! Same size, same age.. excellent for 'control group' type tests.
Sometimes.. just sometimes... I'm ashamed of myself.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would need a "sick" adapter. i.e. wow Mom! That brand new crotch rocket is sick!
Let me know when that one becomes available
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe, I'm sure that they wouldn't be TOO hard to manufacture. Does anyone want to split the costs of this financial venture with me? Anyone?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want them. This better not be a joke. Please, please, please tell me it's not a joke.
Oh.
It IS a joke.
Okay, plan B.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lady: Hehe, I'm working on it now...Sorry it's taking long, but last week I was swamped with real work at my job...I know, strange eh? I also wrote my last exam yesterday, so I should have a post by tomorrow...unfortunately, after that, I am going on two weeks vacation, so there will be more waiting...unless one of you folks want to take over the serial. hehe :)
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need one for my brother to stop him saying "Safe."
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I did... There were dolphins. I love dolphins. We saw around five different pods (two of which had calves as well as adults). That was great. Hey- Everyone is holding their breaths over a new Because the Future is Uber post, and I for one am beginning to turn a delicate shade of lavender. Ahem.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-08-12 11:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are great. Hope you had at least SOME fun during your vacation.