Click here to return to the list of messages.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" (Or: Why I hate traffic cops) (776 hits)

Category: None

Rating: 1.35 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)

Submitted by Monarch (View user info) at 2004-08-13 00:54:55 EDT

PART ONE: THE DRIVE TO WORK

So, I'm driving southbound one day, on my way to work. It's a 30-minute drive, not because it's a really long distance, but because this is the main road north from the central police station. And that means cops. Lots of cops. Between the traffic and the slowly cruising police, it takes extra time to get places.

Today, I just happen to be sitting at a stoplight, when a police cruiser pulls up next to me. The officer and his damn reflective sunglasses stare straight ahead. There's a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like something real bad is about to happen. I just know this bastard is gonna try and pull me over, so I decide to play it safe.

The light turns green, and I feather the gas pedal. You can always tell when a cop wants to pull you over, because they make a concerted effort to accelerate as s-l-o-w-l-y as humanly possible from each stoplight. But this guy is freaking ridiculous! He waits at least five seconds just to start moving at all. I begin to get worried. My mind tries to understand the twisted logic of a traffic cop who hasn't met this month's quota:

INSTINCT: He isn't moving, is that bad?
REASON: Maybe he can't see the light is green yet...
INSTINCT: Wait, there he goes. He must have been looking the other way.
REASON: Are we going the speed limit?
INSTINCT: FUCK! What's the speed limit on this road?!
REASON: There's a sign. It's 30 MPH.
INSTICT: Oh good, we're only going 30. We must be safe.
REASON: *whew* That's a relief. You had me worried for a second there...
INSTICT: Sorry, that my job, you know?

Naturally assuming that my safety is guaranteed, I continue on. The police cruiser is going kinda slow though, only about 20-25. Not that that's my problem. Of course, I end up next to the same police car at every red light I hit. Which is all of them. But I'm going the speed limit, so I'm safe. Right? RIGHT?

Not so. Seventeen blocks later, this guy slides his cruiser in behind me and flips on the lights.

REASON: Uh... can he do that?
INSTINCT: Well, I would say no. But I'm not exactly reasonable about most things.
REASON: Fair enough.
INSTINCT: Maybe we'd better pull over?

The bastard sits there in his cruiser. I get bored. I decide to time him with my wristwatch...

Six minutes and fifty two seconds later he slowly gets out of the car. Very slowly. He saunters over to my window and leans down condescendingly. I can see my face reflected in those damn sunglasses.

OFFICER: Do you know how fast you were going there, son?

ME: Yes sir, I do. I was going 30 MPH.

OFFICER: Well, I was only driving 30 MPH.

ME: Isn't this a 30 MPH zone, officer?

OFFICER: Yes it is, son. But I was only going 25 MPH.

ME: Well, sir. Maybe you should have been driving 5 miles faster?

REASON: That was a dumb thing to say.
INSTINCT: Who cares? Tell this pigfucker what's up!
REASON: But he's a cop...
INSTINCT: Who cares?

OFFICER: Son, you don't drive faster than a police officer.

ME: This is a 30 MPH zone, sir. I was going 30 MPH. Do you plan to write me a ticket for driving the speed limit?

OFFICER: I need to see your license and registration, son.

INSTINCT: If this dick calls us "Son" one more time...
REASON: Calm down and give him the papers. He can't get us for anything.
INSTINCT: Can't I just hit him once?
REASON: No. We're already late for work.
INSTINCT: Well, I guess that's reasonable.
REASON: Of course it is.

The officer sits in his car for another six minutes with my papers. Finally he comes back.

OFFICER: Well, son. I'm going to let you slide on the speeding...

INSTICT: MOTHERFUCKER!!!

OFFICER: But unfortunately, it looks like your insurance has expired. I'll have to write a ticket for that.

REASON: That can't be right. Instinct, did we renew that insurance policy?
INSTINCT: Yep. I remember putting the new card in the glove box, and throwing the old one away.
REASON: Well, then why is the old card still there?
INSTINCT: Well, if I threw one of them away...
REASON: Damnit.
INSTINCT: You should have let me hit him.

ME: Sorry officer. Looks like I threw away the wrong card.

OFFICER: Well, then I guess you'll have to get a new copy and take it down to the courthouse to show a judge, huh?

ME: You're joking, right? I can't take off time from work for that!

OFFICER: Well then, maybe next time you won't drive faster than a police officer, son.

INSTINCT: See? If you'd just listen to me more often...
REASON: Shut up.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I hate traffic cops.

damncops.JPG (58 kB)

User Reviews

Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-01 16:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

ROAST THE PIG! EAT IT'S MEAT!!!

Imagine thinking the beast was something you could hunt and kill!

Submitted by Legendary_Threat (user info) at 2004-10-01 16:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

No Comment

Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Oopth

http://www.ubersite.com/m/42139

http://www.ubersite.com/m/41997

Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-08-13 10:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

No, of course it ain't a real picture! You think a cop would just let me hope out and snap a quick picture of him?

ME: Excuse me, officer. Can I get a picture of you so I can post it up with a rant on Ubersite?

OFFICER: Sure, son, why not!

ME: DAMNIT! Don't you DARE call me "son" again!

Submitted by oxanar (user info) at 2004-08-13 08:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Monarch, what college campus were you driving through? (assuming that picture is of the actual incident)Also, you said he pulled in right behind, did they need another campus cop to help write the ticket?

What Alah says is true, they do need a valid reason to stop you. Simply going 5 miles per hour faster than the cop is not reason enough.

Submitted by necrofeelya (user info) at 2004-08-13 08:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

lol nice

Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-13 08:19:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

ALSO:

A cop has to have a valid reason to pull you over. You going faster then him is NOT a valid reason.

Plead not guilty, and take it to court. The judge will ask why he pulled you over. Badabing, badaboom, case dissmissed.

Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-13 08:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

HA HA!

I got pulled over this morning for 59 in a 45. The cop walked up to the window, said "Hey, man. Slow it down a bit." and I said "Fuck you, biatch."

and then he said "hey, you coming to paintball tommorrow?" and I said "Yep, you biatch." and he said "I'm going to shoot you in the nuts." Then he got back into his car and gave me the finger when he passed me.

I love knowing 50% of the cops in my county.

Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-13 07:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

You should have tried to grab his gun. Cops love that.

Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-13 05:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Tee hee.

Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-13 05:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

You don't drive faster than a police officer? Police in the UK do 2 mph below the speed limit WHEREVER they are, and let it slide if you overtake on the motorway at 72 or 73 mph, but not any other road... They know they go slower than the limit, you know they go slower than the limit, they know YOU know they go slower than the limit, so they're cool about it.

One more reason that America sucks.

Submitted by punchdrunk (user info) at 2004-08-13 04:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Did he have a moustache?

Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-13 02:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

fucking power-tripping bastard. THOSE cops piss me off enough to leave a sour taste that leans to other cops that are generally good at their jobs.

Submitted by wes_rulz (user info) at 2004-08-13 02:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

cops in my town are dicks.

Submitted by briancte (user info) at 2004-08-13 01:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

once you get everything taken care of you know what you can do. Write a letter to the police department. Complaints will go on his permanent record! lmao. I hate cops to, except when their on my side. ha

Submitted by dudette (user info) at 2004-08-13 01:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I read the title as "Do you know how fast you were going?" (Or: Why I ATE traffic cops)
+2 for my dyslexia (sp?)

Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-13 01:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

I've had the same thing happen to me, even though I am the most polite motherfucker where cops are concerned. Passed some cop, he rolls down his window and says "How about little respect." Huh?

Submitted by Kellio (user info) at 2004-08-13 01:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

Funny, although it really shouldn't be. Who says that people become cops so they can push people around?

Submitted by qwert_666 (user info) at 2004-08-13 01:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

Last time a cop called me "son". I told him not to call me that because its disrespectful, so he called me sir, as in "here you go sir, your 100$ speeding ticket"