Dialogue (Shamelessly Self-Indulgent) (979 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.72 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-13 01:26:41 EDT
If you came here expecting something funny, I apologise. I ask you to click the back button on your browser and check back with me in a couple of days. I have a rant on my ex-husband all lined up. It's going to be great. This post is not funny, and it's not clever, and it's not entertaining.
Thank you.
______________________________
It's official. I am Not Coping. I love those capital letters. They take a simple state of failure - not coping - and lift it above petty considerations. Not Coping is a decisive failure. Not Coping is an ACTIVE state, as opposed to just wandering through the days, bleak and empty and running on automatic pilot.
Look at the difference.
I am not coping.
I am Not Coping.
See that? 'not coping' is failure. The 'not' and the 'coping' are separate, making the 'not' the focus. Not doing something. Not okay. Not functioning properly.
But then we have Not Coping. It's one thing. It's an action. It's a decision. I am Not Coping. And I'm going to Not Cope the ass off anyone who's ever Not Coped before.
Not coping would be weak. It would be shameful. It would be passive and hopeless. But by adding the capitals, we have Not Coping, that great and grand state of failure, that active inactivity, that funhouse rollercoaster oh god I want to get off why can't I fucking stop it isn't funny none of it is funny and I AM NOT OKAY...
It's gone too far, now. The people close to me have noticed. They come to me in pairs and they speak quietly and they want to understand. They encourage me. "You're doing well."
Why do they say that? Don't say that. I don't care if you think it's true. When you say I'm strong it makes it almost impossible for me to lay my head on your shoulder and sob until the weakness is drained like poison.
My endless smiles are brittle, fragile things. The jokes I hide behind and the laughter I can summon at will are as empty as the place on the wall I stare at.
(Hi.)
Oh, fuck. You again.
(Yeah. I'm never far away.)
[Me either.]
I'm having a good day today. You don't need to be here.
(You cried for an hour this morning when you couldn't find your hairbrush.)
So? I'm premenstrual or something. I'm fine. See me smiling? That's how fine I am.
[You talk to yourself a lot these days.]
It's perfectly normal to have an internal dialogue. It's necessary for decision making and there's nothing -
(Hon?)
WHAT?
(Your lips are moving.)
...oh.
[You can't go on like this. You know that, don't you?]
I. Am. Fine. I'd be better if you'd shut up once in a while.
(Oh, please. We - )
[- us - ]
(me)
[I]
(we are - )
[We're you. Where are we gonna go?]
[You're weak.]
I know.
(We won't always be the ones in brackets. One day - )
[ - soon - ]
(I am)
[We will]
(me)
[me]
(us)
[soon]
(We're going to wear you down and put you here and then it's all over.)
You wouldn't.
[I would.]
Don't you care? My family needs me. Too many people need me. I have too much to do. I'm not leaving them. It's not going to happen.
(Don't you think they'd be better off without you? The millstone - )
[The block of concrete]
(The weight of the universe dragging them down?)
No.
[Yes.]
(And when I win)
[or me]
(There's going to be the knife)
[the gun]
(The pills)
[The car]
{Knot tying and the load bearing qualities of that roof beam there.}
(...)
[That was actually pretty funny]
Do you mind? I'm trying to have a nervous breakdown.
{Yeah. Sucks to be you.}
(You're falling apart.)
I'm not. I'm just having a bad time right now.
[You're a wreck.]
I'm fine.
(You'll be dead in a year.)
I'm afraid.
(As are - )
[We - ]
(- us -)
{All of us - }
(So are we.)
I am Not Okay.
I am Not Coping.
And I am Not Going To Pretend anymore.
Strength and stubborness and self disgust at your own shameful weakness can only take you so far. I'm going to take my Not Coping, and I am going to humble myself, and I am going to say the two most horrible, aching, helpless words in the English language.
I'm going to say "Help me."
And I'm going to be oka
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-18 07:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-31 16:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK! SHIT!
Can't leave it like that either.
I'm gonna just +2 this and pretend I never read it.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-15 22:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Read this before-never rated.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-31 16:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK! SHIT!
Can't leave it like that either.
I'm gonna just +2 this and pretend I never read it.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-31 16:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
God,
I wish I hadn't read this one. This is to close to a place I spent half my time in for about a year.
I have started reading this a few times then stopped. I started again due to boredom at work and this time it sucked me in and didn't let me go.
A testament to your skill but I can't bring myself to rate based on that.
It deserves a +2 I know it does but I can't give it one.
My reasons for not giving a full score are childish, self absorbed and weak and I know it.
I want to -2 this post because of the memories it stirs. I want to +2 this post because of the same memories and because it reminds me that no matter what you go through eventually you are strengthened.
Fucking cliche'd but true.
I never found the fact to be all that comforting to tell the truth.
Too Powerful
Sorry
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-16 01:41:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thumbs up.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41782
By saying you are Not Coping you are already Coping. Mightn't look like it but you are.
Best thing is to take it all a day at a time and try to avoid the dependency drugs. Well all drugs really. EXCERCISE now there's soemthing good. Makes you feel you have accomplished something and when all those endorphins are flying around in your system it feels goooood.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-15 22:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone actually read this? Huh.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-15 22:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The moment I've stepped in here, I recieved a warm "you're an anti-semite asshole frog" welcome.
This is why I don't bother being nice to anyone. I hope this answers your question.
"Nous nous jugeons avec les moyens que les autres ont, nous ont donné de nous juger" ~ Jean-Paul Sartre
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-14 21:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2004-08-14 12:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*Rips out chunks of hair in ultimate display of empathy*
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2004-08-14 03:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't get it, but I'm strangely affected by it. I feel...I feel...well, I feel. and that's saying something for someone who is so analytical that emotions are very rarely experienced. well written, well timed, well done. I love Circe. That's right, I said it.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-08-13 13:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not coping is in itself a way of coping (kinda like not making a decision by definition makes a decision). You managed to capture the pain that a lot of mere mortals like me can't put into words.
Keep your head up and keep going.
Oreos and milk helps too.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-13 13:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, you haven't responded to my e-mail. I was serious.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-13 11:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And I'm going to be oka"
I'm assuming that by "oka" you mean "Filthy's dirty little fucktoy"
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-13 11:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know I have internal dialogues like that. They can be funny in retrospect because I'm trying to convince myself that I'm talking to myself.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-08-13 09:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ductape ??? ...Gerbil ???
WhatTheHell??
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-13 09:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Raw and real.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-13 08:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope it really isn't as bad as all that, or alternatively, if it is, I hope that the last part is true.
Hang in there, it DOES get better.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-13 07:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-13 06:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-13 06:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Word.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-08-13 05:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sausage wil cure all ills
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-08-13 05:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you need some sausage baby
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-13 04:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-13 04:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-13 03:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because the borderline between madness and genius is very narrow.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-13 02:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
iu love you
im drunk
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-13 02:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually, i'm camped right above you on the front page. howdy neighbour.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-13 02:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just did a self indulgent one too. no good. but i'm in a miserable state of mind right now too.
cheers.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-13 01:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Smithstudd - absolutely nothing. I did warn you. Twice, in fact. This is a pointless exercise in self indulgence.
Submitted by Smithstudd (user info) at 2004-08-13 01:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What does any of this have to do with the price of tea in china.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-13 01:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your use of indentation of sentence fragments strongly offends me.
It's no wonder he left you for a duct taped gerbil and a boy named Francois.