Tom Screams in the Cafeteria (2881 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.67 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-08-13 14:11:49 EDT
Most of the time, I try to be precise in how I tell my stories, so as to elicit the greatest number of laughs from you. This is not one of those posts. This really belongs on SPT, but I didn't get around to it yesterday. Time is short, I'll just jot a few notes down, so let me give it a try. Please excuse any grammar and/ or spelling mistakes.
When Tom and I were in high school, oftentimes all the students had to go to meetings in the cafeteria, which doubled as the auditorium. And two students were typically assigned to collapse the stage and put all the microphones and shit away when the whole thing was over. One time, Tom and I were selected to be the cleanup crew. After all the other students had left, we started rolling up the cables and sliding the podium out of the way. I started walking around the stage, unlocking all the braces and getting ready to slide the entire thing back against the wall.
Tom wanted to take the opportunity, while he was up on stage, to give me his impromptu standup act. The mike was off, so basically he just started ranting with the mike in his hand. He knew, however, that teachers were likely to hear any high-volume outbursts, so he tried to do it as quietly as he could. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that. Tom was one of those guys who liked to laugh at their own jokes.
Tom: "Don't you just hate it when you walk around with your dick hanging out of your pants HA HA HA? Yeah, this one time I was swinging from the trees in the Amazon with my donger hanging out and I was like shit it's fucking hot out here HA HA HA. And then these monkeys came along and I was like 'what the fuck is your problem you fucking hairy apes?' HA HA HA and the monkeys were all like, 'dude you're fucked up these are our fucking vines you fucking clam sniffer' and I was like..."
I cranked up the volume and switched the mike back on in the middle of his quiet tirade.
Tom (cont.): "...whatever you fucking cum bubble cause you should just know that I FUCKED YOUR MOM YOU MOTHERFUCKER I DIDDLED HER CLITTY AH HA HA HA HA HA HA UUURRRR!!??!!!"
Of course I just urinated on myself because I was laughing so damn hard, and two teachers came sprinting into the cafeteria to give him 15 demerits (and 5 for me just for associating with his crazy ass).
After the teachers left, he chased me around the cafeteria trying to beat my ass with the mike stand.
The End.
And just for no reason at all, a pic of Flava Flav:
User Reviews
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-01-22 03:32:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is way late in coming, but FUCK YOU chip!
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-08-10 19:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I DIDDLED HER CLITTY AH HA HA HA HA HA HA UUURRRR!!??!!!"
I think I might be fired.. hahahhaha
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2005-08-09 17:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:11:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-13 15:58:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Still funny. Not B@W funny, but funnier than most of the other crap out floating around.
Plus, it has Flava Flav.
What's not to like?
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-11-04 19:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom (cont.): "...whatever you fucking cum bubble cause you should just know that I FUCKED YOUR MOM YOU MOTHERFUCKER I DIDDLED HER CLITTY AH HA HA HA HA HA HA UUURRRR!!??!!!"
I come back to these MONTHS later. STill funny.
Submitted by tsu (user info) at 2004-11-04 19:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-08-16 05:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha, I burst out laughing.
Good job.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-14 16:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-14 16:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Just_me_and_the_cats (user info) at 2004-08-13 18:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell, I enjoyed that story.
Although FF's timepiece is off by about two hours.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-13 18:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Biter.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40399
MC Hammer can kick Flava Flav's ass anyday.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-08-13 18:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, when you're a good writer people keep expecting you to raise the bar with each and every post, and that it must be ten times better than the last one.
This was humorous, it's better than nearly everything else on here, so why the fuck would anybody rate it lower than a 2?
You're all tools, and you most of all CATAL.
Smurfs is a tool too, a huge one, bigger than this guy I know named Stapleton and frankly he's a fucking socket wrench.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2004-08-13 16:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
no comment
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-08-13 16:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-13 16:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Definitely not my best post, but you can't get a +2 every time. I mean, even Ripken's streak had to end eventually, right?
Right?
Where did everyone go?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-13 15:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still funny. Not B@W funny, but funnier than most of the other crap out floating around.
Plus, it has Flava Flav.
What's not to like?
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-13 15:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:36:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
SMURFS IS A TOOL!!!!
---------------------------------
Willzone smokes dick for crack... I've seen him!
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-13 15:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Don't you just hate it when you walk around with your dick hanging out of your pants HA HA HA"
+2 freaking two, too, and to, because that's something I would say (to annoy my wife of course).
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-13 15:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm rating the poster and not the post!!!!!!
I'm rating the poster and not the post!!!!!!
I'm rating the poster and not the post!!!!!!
I'm rating the poster and not the post!!!!!!
Call the fucking Ubercops!
Seriously, not a great post, but still a funny story. Tom stories always are. This deserves a +1.
But you're Jimbo. +2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was terrible and I still laughed. URRRRRR!!!??!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flava Flav and my dog need to hang out sometime.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SMURFS IS A TOOL!!!!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:17:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
You don't HAVE to post everyday
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Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh. If I could give this a +.5 I would.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You don't HAVE to post everyday
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-08-13 14:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flava Flav = +2 biznatch