Alien vs Predator summed up in one word... Meh (832 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.17 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by dwr_budr (View user info) at 2004-08-14 00:56:51 EDT
Spoilers and bitching ahead.
Okay, first off, let's say the Predator and the Alien are quite possibly the two best sci-fi/horror characters ever. That being said, the combination of the two beating each other like a couple lifers fighting over the new guy's rectum should, and does appeal to pretty much everyone by default, so this movie is worth seeing anyway, so go see it.
That being said, let's consider some of the more colorful points from the film.
1) PG-13. Now both the Predator and Alien(s) movies were known for their relentless showing of cinematic gore. Whether it was little screaming penises dancing inside a persons gaping chest wound, or blowing holes clear through the torso of former transvestite wrestlers. In AvP, forget about seeing any of that. Apparently this is supposed to be a movie for the entire family. Fucking yay.
In fact, there were quite a few kids around the age of twelve sitting in the theater. And they don't shut up. God I wish I had a blue flame firing gun thing on my shoulder, that'd learn those little bastards...
2) About ten minutes into the film I got the distinct feeling that I was in serious need of a Pepsi. At first I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling, but after getting the same urge a few more times during the course of the film I finally homed in on the subtle message being delivered to me by the characters on the screen when they paused for the third time to stare at a Pepsi-Cola bottle cap.
This piece of unabashed product placement was trumped only by one of the first scenes of the predators, as they donned their gear in preperation for the battle ahead. One of the predators, sitting across the room from the others, reached over and tapped a code into a panel on the side of the wall, which caused a drawer to open, out of which it removed a strange looking box. Sighing heavily, the predator reached into the box and pulled out a kick ass pair of Converse sneakers, gentle slipping them onto his curiously under sized feet. At this point the other two predators just looked at each other and shook their heads. I got the feeling that if they could have they would have walked right off the screen and out of the theater.
3) Bishop. The nice/sinister androids from the Aliens movie, apparently modeled after Weyland himself. Fans of the Aliens films wondering what the head of the most evil corporation was like can now put their minds at ease. He's kind of a cross between John Hammond from Jurrasic Park and a gigantic pussy with a whooping cough. No more sinister lying, no more random killing of people who know too much, no more evil androids with cum-blood wandering around raping babies. Just a whiny old man sucking on a phallic inhaler.
4) The matrix.
Okay, I know some of you may be thinking, "But dwr, what does the Matrix have to do with anything?" The answer, simply, is nothing. Not now, not ever.
Oh, wait. There was that one scene in which the face huggers jump through the air, at which point the camera slows to a halt, slowly rotating around them in mid air before resuming normal speed. I'd call it "bullet-time", except at this point I think the phrase "douchebag-with-too-much-money-and-too-little-creativity-time" is just a little more accurate.
5) One thing the Aliens did have going for them is the fact that at this point in time it takes about fifteen minutes time to go from face hugger to full blown alien. While this doesn't do much for those pesky things like continuity or storyline, it does help out on the back end, leaving alot more time available for annoyingly frenetic camera work and those awesome pepsi commercial moments.
6) They kill every human nearby except one.
Okay, that's not a bad thing, except that they also kill two of the three predators, leaving the two characters left to fall in love. Yep, despite their differences of being a blood thirsty, human skull collecting creature with a face that looks like a pussy with teeth and a hunter from outer space looking to kill aliens. There was more than one moment that I expected to see the predator and human left over start making out. I dunno if that would have been bad, after that hot make out scene from Planet of the Apes. In fact, I think the next film should be based solely around orgies with monkeys and predators in a pyramid littered with Pepsi bottles and human corpses. No blood though, we don't want to push past that PG-13 rating.
7) I'll leave this section for the rest of the stereotypical bad movie hallmarks. Flashbacks, continual explanations about what's going on for the people who can't help poking themselves in the eye with their drink straws, faulty science, a woman who gets acid on her clothes and therefor is forced to strip down to hot pants despite the fact that she's in the middle of Antartica, ground shaking fight scenes in which the combatants bash each other through two foot thick stone walls, etc etc etc.
The ending was the best though. After killing off all the humans and the final predator dies, the predator ship lands, and they remove the body of their dead comrade. Since the human was wearing the scar of the predator (the last predator gave it to her after she helped kill an alien) they decide not to kill her, and instead give her a cool switchblade spear, which I guess makes her and honerary predator clan member. Out of the two humans respected by the predators I can't figure out which would be a bigger embarressment to them, the hot pants girl or Danny Glover from Predator 2. If the predators have cable they've probably seen Gone Fishin', so I imagine Glover would win that particular match up.
Anyway, after giving the last human the spear the predator ship flies away, leaving her all alone. It's a good thing they gave her that spear, because that, her hot pants, and the Pepsi bottle cap will serve her well on the thousand mile swim back to civilization.
Bitching aside, Alien vs Predator is worth seeing though.
During a matinee showing.
Or at the two dollar theater.
User Reviews
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-15 00:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I assumed as much which is why I never saw it.
Submitted by Rads_wife (user info) at 2005-06-14 23:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?id=68475
WINNER!!!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-16 09:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great review. Still haven't seen the movie though, and warnings aside, I'm still going to. But I think sometimes that reviews like this are the best thing that can happen to a quasi-good/semi-sucky movie. This way I will go into it with low expectations, and hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised. If not, I'm burning down the theatre.
Submitted by bigp0ppa (user info) at 2004-08-14 14:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good movie but i agree video game would have been way cooler!!!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-14 14:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah it was really meh
Submitted by MGB (user info) at 2004-08-14 11:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol this movie would have been better if they based off the fucking video game
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-08-14 10:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-14 08:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Who cares?
Submitted by RootsRadical (user info) at 2004-08-14 02:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I promise this movie would've been better if they based it on the aliens vs predator graphic
novel. The story is so much cooler than the movie's. And without the blatant product
placement.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-14 01:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I warned every last one of you bastards:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39455
Don't say you weren't warned.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-14 01:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because I'm pissed that they took such a potentially amazing idea and turned it into a big, steamy pile of shit.
Submitted by Valhalla (user info) at 2004-08-14 01:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a strong advocate of horribly burning people who talk in movie theaters. +2.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-08-14 01:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Alright.
Submitted by ghengisjim (user info) at 2004-08-14 01:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought that was an interesting read.
I think I will pass on the movie, though.
Submitted by punchdrunk (user info) at 2004-08-14 01:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For Danny Glover
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-14 01:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for the spoilers, but they were so shitty that it didn't ruin the movie for me.