Life with Ted (674 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Truth
Rating: 1.93 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snark.at.corporatedirtbag.com (View user info) at 2004-08-14 16:05:29 EDT
Ted was the kind of guy who buys an electric kettle, brings it home, unpacks it, fills it full of water, plugs it in, turns it on, places it on the stove and turns on the burner. Ted was the kind of guy who scratches his head in confusion when 2 minutes later it turns into a fiery blob of plastic.
Ted was my roommate in college, and yes he actually did that.
I say he "was" that kind of guy because he must be dead by now. No one that stupid lives past the age of 30. At least for the sake of the gene pool I would like to think they don't.
The last semester of college I rented a house with 3 other guys. It was cheap, within walking distance of school, and we were all in the same course so it helped with our grades.
Well not Ted's. His motto was "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again". While we were busy working our asses off to finish the course, Ted was on his half-assed second attempt at finishing the first year. I tried to tell him that he should consider the wisdom of "If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards" but the advice fell on deaf ears.
Never in my life have I been a witness to pure unadulterated stupidity like what came so naturally to Ted.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate the guy. In fact I kind of liked him but he also scared the shit out of me. After a month of living with him we all expected to wake up in the middle of the night in the midst of a raging inferno.
The possibility of Ted accidentally splitting an atom while making a sandwich and killing millions of innocent people was also a very real possibility.
We all do stupid things once in awhile but with Ted it was like living in a Monty Python movie. He was an Idiot Savant minus the Savant.
Like the time I tried to teach him to make a Tuna Sandwich.
I remember I was sitting on the living room couch watching TV (Jackass I think) and heard Ted fooling around in the kitchen. My curiosity was peaked by the fact that Ted NEVER went into the kitchen. Ted's diet consisted Big Macs and... well... Big Macs
Anyways I watched with utter astonishment as he pulled out a can of tuna and loaf of bread. I jumped to my feet in excitement as he opened the can all by himself and actually drained the juice. I slapped myself in the forehead in astonishment when he pulled out the correct number of bread slices from the bag (2).
I just about cried when he unceremoniously dumped the contents onto one of the slices and started to eat it.
Damn, so close buddy.
Me: "Bro doesn't that taste kind of dry to you?"
Ted: "Yeah"
Me: "Does it taste like the tuna sandwiches that your mom makes?"
Ted: "No"
Me: "Would you like to learn how to make a real Tuna sandwich?"
Ted: "Yeah"
Ted was a big believer in one word sentences.
Me: "Go in the fridge. Get a green onion, a pickle, and some Mayo"
I turned back to watch the show while he scrounged in the fridge. 10 minutes later he was still scrounging.
Me: "Ted what the hell are you doing man?"
Ted proceeded to pull a large brown bulb onion out of the fridge and ask "Is this a green onion?"
"Does it fucking look green Ted?"
"No"
"Then it's not a fucking Green Onion is it!"
"No"
Later I had to show him how to cut the pickle.
That evening we sent him out to pick up chicken breast and lettuce for dinner. Ted came back with minced turkey thigh and cabbage.
The next day he accidentally cut his hand with a knife and then held it under running water for 20 minutes until he passed out from blood loss.
So why did I decide to post this?
I guess partly to take a break from the Necrosiac series, and partly as my gift to you.
The next time your looking out the window in your office and thinking about jumping because you just realized your fly has been down for the last 6 hours and you just inadvertently showed your boss your peener, think of Ted.
I guarantee life won't seem so bad.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-29 21:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, Snark.
Submitted by sis <sismo12345.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-10-11 21:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we all lived with a couple of Teds in our lifetime. I had a roomate who was such a drunk, he came home one night and decided to make something to eat. He put the frying pan on the stove put something in it and went to bed. Tim and I got back home to find the stove on, charred remains of something and buddy on his bed completely passed out. He didn't even take his coat or boots off.I would say he was pulling a Ted. Anyways pretty funny story, hope Ted is ok. Sis.
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-31 11:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't know if it counts but have another +2
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-31 11:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit meant to +2 this story as well.
Fuck sorry dude
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-31 11:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uber taught me the word Peener.....I dread the day I use it!!
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-31 11:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xena (user info) at 2004-08-16 14:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to say poor Ted... but I just can't be bothered.
I love your posts...keep em coming
Submitted by Jadey at 2004-08-16 12:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha .... Are you Ted reincarnated? :)
1.44 is because you post a message rating yourself as 0.
D
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-16 12:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your stuff Snark
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-16 12:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had some interesting characters as roommates, but nothing that bad.
Submitted by indepth25 (user info) at 2004-08-16 11:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LMFAO, oh I forgot about some of those great Ted stories.... "Does it fucking look green!", All those years spent with Ted being in our class and yet he still amazed us with his stupidity everyday.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-16 11:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Strange.
All I see are two's yet the overall for this post is 1.2...
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-08-14 20:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. what a stupid story. so stupid..... i loved it..... +2 for all
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-14 18:48:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dashal (user info) at 2004-08-14 18:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every sperm is sacred!!!
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-08-14 17:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The next day he accidentally cut his hand with a knife and then held it under running water for 20 minutes until he passed out from blood loss."
I laughed out loud when I read that. This was gold.