The American Devil (827 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: blog
Rating: 2 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2004-08-15 23:47:01 EDT
The elevator in the apartment building has no door and is roughly the size of a coffin. I can not resist the urge to run my fingers along the bare walls as we travel up. "Baby, don't do that!" he says. I let my hand drop back down to my side. The elevator is moving so slow, and I'm pretending that I really AM in a coffin... slowly dying... no... air... arghhhhh...
ding
The only thing I could think of was sleep. A soft bed, a hard floor, pillows, no pillows- I didn't care. After being awake for 30 hours I probably could have fallen asleep while walking. We get to the apartment and spend half an hour on introductions and crying and hugging. The names are impossible for me to keep track of... Hamada, Ahmed, Mohamed, Tharwat, Yousra, Amr, ya ya ya ....!
Oh god, I wanted to sleep.
But no, it's time to eat. "No no... you MUST eat! Here, here, just some food for you, then sleep!".
Okay fine... some food.
We proceed to eat a 7-course meal. Lamb chops, Tabouli, Hummous, Grape Leaves, Thyme Pie, pickles, and rice. Then people start coming over. Oh So Tired. I haven't slept for a long time. Everyone wants to go to his sisters house. I insist on sleeping.
There is some debate about this (all of which was in arabic, so I'm not sure what was said, but in the end, they let me stay behind). They were very worried about my comfort. His sister showed me where I could sleep- I could take the bed, she'd sleep on the floor. They bought water for me, it was in the fridge. They would make breakfast in the morning! We would go to the market after lunch!
Arabs really are the most hospitable people.
Finally, everyone left. I was alone.
Tee hee!
I walk around looking at the pictures... I feel the texture of the drapes... run my hand along the smooth dining room table... I throw open the french doors that lead onto the balcony. The warm air rushes in and sends the sheer curtains swirling around me. I step onto the huge balcony- in awe of the city that lies before me. Cairo is beautiful even in it's present polluted state.
Oh I had to sleep.
I'm thirsty.
There are two fridges. I stand in front of them and stare at them for a second. I turn the light on to get a better view. Two fridges? I pull the handle of the fridge on the left- nothing happens. I jiggle the handle- nothing happens. I turn my attention to the fridge on the right. With almost no effort it swings open and I am confronted with a vast array of leftovers and 7-Up (glass bottles, baby, glass!). No water.
The water must be in the other fridge. I inspect the handle. I look for hinges. I think really hard about how fridges work. I pull on the handle.
Nothing.
I pull harder.
Nothing.
I'm going to give up. Just one more slight pull.
Oh fuck.
I look at the handle in my right hand, I look back to the fridge. I try to think of an excuse to
tell his mom. "Um, yeah... I know I've only been in your house for 2 hours, but I broke your fridge.".
Instead I just put the handle back on the fridge. It took quite a lot of skill and patience to pull this trick off, but I got it to stay. After I got the handle carefully balanced I turned the light off, and went to bed.
The next morning he came into my room to wake me up. The first thing he said was, "Baby, did you break my moms fridge?".
"Um, no." I coughed and hid my face under the sheet.
"Are you sure?"
I felt like a naughty child. What was I THINKING?! I could feel the blood rush to my face. I was sweating. The only way out of this is to BLAME SHIFT!!
"No! Jesus Fucking Christ! I came all the way to Egypt to get blamed for breaking the fridge?!". Oh My God. I'm the devil.
The American Devil.
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-16 11:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Creep- I have no idea... the whole time I was there I couldn't ever get it to open (after the handle was broke, I tried prying it open). I was the only one who had a hard time with it though.
Perhaps it's a Muslim only fridge?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-16 11:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So was there a trick to opening the refridgerator?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-16 11:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thyme pie isn't Pie in the western sense of the word... it's... bread with thyme on it.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-08-16 10:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it was already broken and someone had wedged it back in so it would break on an unsuspecting house guest, who would then feel obliged to pay for getting it fixed.
That's what I would do.
Going back to this Thyme pie, hows that a pie? Sounds like an unfinished sandwich.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-16 10:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha- you broke a Mercedes?! I feel less guilty about my fridge mishap.
Thyme Pie? It's Thyme (zatar) and olive oil, mixed into a paste of sorts... and spread on top of some flat bread.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-16 10:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-16 09:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did something similar in my friend's father's Mercedes. I broke the turn signal stalk off because I was used to driving a work van with a column shifter. I tried to "shift" the Benz truck into park and the handle came off in my hands. With a little superglue it stayed on for about a week, and it broke again. His dad yelled "piece of shit Benz! Chinsey fucking Nazi bastards! I wanted the goddamn X5 but noooooooo! Your mother insisted on the fucking Benz!" Then he threw the broken stalk at the dashboard and cracked the windsheild. It was great.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-16 08:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who am I to break a chain?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-08-16 08:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Corn Nugget, the Destroyer of Fridges.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-16 07:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell me more of this Thyme Pie of which you speak.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-16 06:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-08-16 02:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too tired to explain my +2. Amen.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-16 02:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled.
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2004-08-16 02:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Arabs really are the most hospitable people."
They treat their employees like shit, however. I'm speaking from experience here.
Submitted by GhostWriter (user info) at 2004-08-16 02:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-08-16 02:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That kicked ass.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-08-16 01:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-08-16 00:42:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was actually pretty good.
Substance was only a +1. I'm not too keen on the "I broke the fridge!" stories. But it was well-written. +1 for that.
Oh, and you gotta be careful. Those crazy Arabs might declare Jihad on your ass.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-08-16 00:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every hair exposed is a dagger in the heart of Allah.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-16 00:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thumbs up.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41782
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-16 00:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think tha8a;lr'jf
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-16 00:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jebus!
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-08-15 23:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Righteous fire!" "Damnation for--all you cocksuckers!"- Jesus