Jonukah VS the Army of Hornets (2624 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.67 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah (View user info) at 2004-08-16 01:41:55 EDT
Before I begin, let me tell you of a little conundrum I have. I was planning no writing the third and final episode of my little hornet problem here on uber. I always like to posts my posts on Sunday nights so some reason. And today is Sunday night. The problem is, I happened to go to this little party after work today, which is all well and good. But there we all of these little arsonists running around little these precious toxic plants on fire. I, being this decent fellow that I am, naturally tried to put the fires out. With my mouth. I coughed and hacked and then I found these things that were like wheat thins but shaped like butterflies and were called Butter Thins. ENTERTAINING Butter Thins, as it were. And indeed there were. And I consumed said Butter thins in a timely fashion, ever so often uttering, "MMMMM......Butter Thins" in a Homer Simpson voice. Try It. You know it'd be funny. And then I was having fun until the Butter Thins ran out and I remembered about my post and came home to write it.
So that is where we stand. I now sit before you, writing my last post in this current state of with a half-pound box of wheat thins that I opened that is half empty already. However, I am of sound mind and extraordinary willpower that I am confident that no one will notice any difference in my writing style and the seam I made between the post written before and the post written now shall be seamless. Seeeeeeemeeeellllyles.
******************************
Reinforcements had arrived.
Was it Sigourney Weaver and the Orco man? No. Was it the national guard? No. Was it Mecha-Godzilla? No. Even better. It was the ENFORCER! My dad......with two brand new cans of deadly insecticides. We marched up to my domicile shoulder to shoulder. Though our numbers were now doubled, we were still outnumbered about 400 to 1. Still.....we walked without fear. We reached my bedroom door.
"Weapon"
Canisters in hand
"Ready"
Caps undone. Finger on the trigger. I kicked open the door.
"Aim"
We found our targets. They found theirs.
"FI-
"STOP!"
"What?"
"We can't use these here"
"Why? Are you afraid to cross the streams?"
"No........I just. Finished. Painting my room."
"......So?"
"SO?......I just finished painting........I'm not going to paint it again"
"........"
"And besides......these cans say "for OUTDOOR use ONLY"
"So what are we going to do?"
But the hornets we're polite enough to let us finish our conversation about how we shall conduct our execution and their demise. In a flurry, a few dozen hornets charged towards, stingers at the ready. Luckily, I still had my two faithful swatters, so we dropped our cans of insecticide and readied ourselves against the onslaught.
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....SWAT......SPLAT......THUD.......BZZZZZZZ.......SWAT.....SPLAT.....THUD
My father's aim was even deadlier than mine. Within seconds, a dozen wasps were dead at our feet. He even killed two with one blow. Mickey Mouse would be proud.
"CLOSE THE DOOR! CLOSE THE DOOR!"
The command was immediately, and before a second wave of attackers could get us.
"Whew......that was close."
"Yeah. We're good.....but we can't handle that many with swatters."
"That is okay.....I think I have a plan......"
We waited until nightfall.
Clad in black from head to toe, we were once again at my bedroom door.
"Okay....if you can cover me, I think can make it to the end of the room and turn on my torchere. If they were so attracted to my overhead light, then they will die in their lust for that 200 watt halogen lamp."
The idea seemed flawless. We started with a few sniper missions. We would swat sleeping sentries along the walls before going after the lamp. My dad took point. I was amazed at his accuracy. He never missed a wasp. Within minutes, all of the guards on the left wall were dead. The path was clear to the lamp.
"Okay....I'll go."
"No, it is too dangerous. I'll go. Besides, you have better eyes than me, you watch my back.
I couldn't argue with his logic. I held the doorknob tightly, ready to shut the door if we had to cover our retreat. My father snuck up to the light, turned it on, and walked back.
"Well that was easy"
Almost instantly, we heard the rabid buzzing of hornets burning to death on my halogen lamp. The sound only attracted more hornets....and more, until they were dropping dead on the floor like hail.
"You know what....that might just do it. Why don't we just go to sleep and see how many are left in the morning."
"Sounds like a plan.......just as long as my halogen lamp doesn't catch fire.
Just then, we smelled smoke, and I knew I had spoken too soon.
The ants came marching towards us on fire saying, "Butter-Thins! Butter-Thins like crazy Humor Systems. I must have missed an end quotation in there somewhere because I don't remember them saying the "Hymen system" part. I shot the ants with my water gun until my room started to flood, so I turned off the halogen lamp so the walls wouldn't catch fire and then drown.
Instead, we opted to simply slut the rest of the hornets with the fly-slutters until then lay all dead.
Once we had killed 99.9% of the Hornets, we finally did get some of the spray and sprayed inside of the hole in my room to kill the hornet's hive. That was then a hornet left for dead stung my father first the first time either of us had been stung. I finished the little one off myself and then there were no more left except the queen. I had started vacuuming the beings up with a shop-vac at this point since the bees were tired and I started to count them as I vacuumed them up. I lost count at around 700 hornets, not including ant larvae. And there were no more left except the queen. And then I saw the queen.
The queen was walking around dejected looking, I imagined her being mortified over the loss of all of her little ones, walking among there dead bodies.
And then, the hero of the story, me, stood over the queen, weapon in hand and paused in reflection of my moment of triomphe. The here paused for two reasons. One: To bask in his glory of his glorious triumph. And two: To think of the one-liner in order to be immortalized as all great heroes are.
And then I looked at the queen ant and started to feel sorry for her loss and wondering who the real villain was. Though, the ants did come into my room, and I was there first, was my discomfort worth the death of all of those ants. There must of been 19,472 of them. That was a lot of bees. I have pictures at the end of the story.
So then I was going through various one-liners from various movies that were good but not worthy of such a glories deed. A few that I thought of were," Yippiekayyay muther fucka." Bu then I settled on quoting Ash as I usually end up doing, or I paraphrased him saying:
"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the vacuum." <VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM............................Thunk...........And the queen was dead.
Actually thought of the one-liner thing when I really did it. I was actually looking for the queen at the time, and then I sucked up an ant that was atleast eight times the size of the other ants before I realized it was the queen. It was at this time that I was planning on writing a portion that was a pun of the recent movie "Alien vs Predator" but I don't have the cognitive capacity currently to conceive it.
So there you have it. I killed the bees, and the Entertaining Butter thins saved the queen of harts from the ants that were marching two-by-two with halogen lamps that caught fire from there burning. Alice got out of the hole but is in rehab, and the cat in the hat was busted for selled drugs to the caterpillar.
****************888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
"Mmmmmm.....butter thins"
I have enclosed some pictures of the terrible hornet incident and finished my story. I hope you enjoyed it and never noticed at one point I started writing my post while I was not high on Mary-Joe-Iguanna. I have written while drunken before, not otherwise unincumbernated, but I think this will turn out just fine.
I also enclosed a picture in my current state so I can laugh at myself when I sober up.
BACK TO THE PARTY! HOT SEX! WOoT!
And um....drugs are bad.
User Reviews
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-10-21 13:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man you have hairy shoulders...
I too think you should write high more often, but make sure you review it so that you don't mess the story with ants. Other than the ants, great post.
Submitted by God_of_Crabs at 2004-09-18 18:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Anyone else notice that Jonukah resembles that Baptist SUnday School portrait of Jesus?
Submitted by rpdb1111 (user info) at 2004-09-03 07:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What kind of camera does Jonukah use? The pictures are always so clear and sharp.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-08-31 16:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the hell did the ants come from?
Oh and this was awesome!
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-08-27 14:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jon you're my hero, man.
You should defintely write while stoned more often. My co-workers think I'm psychotic for laughing so hard at work...
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-08-26 14:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hornets, Bees and Ants oh my.......I'm confused now.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-26 14:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, I must've read this a week ago. I looked, and there was no +2 from me. Here ya go.
Sign up for UM II.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-08-26 14:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jon, you are one crazy cat
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-26 01:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF WERE THEY ANTS OR BEES?!
Submitted by rpdb1111 (user info) at 2004-08-25 07:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, intersting narrative. You do a good job of keeping that crazy 21 yr old brain active. FIGHT LETHARGY. FIGHT APATHY. it's the first stage of old lame brain disease. There's somthing Calvin and Hoobbes-ish about you rposts. Damn, there's something sexy (didi I say that) about your pix. Can't believe I said that (guy to guy). Oh, well, I'm a metro sexual man of the new millenium. Any way.... What's on the horizon jobwise, more Sears of the rest of life!? Wow, am I asking you that or inwardly, myself?
Submitted by rpdb1111 (user info) at 2004-08-25 06:53:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-19 11:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Friend, sorry, but you're next on my MVA hitlist.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-08-16 20:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good Lord Jon, my brain hurts.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-08-16 17:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF! I'M NOT READING ALL THAT!!!!!!
Submitted by MGB (user info) at 2004-08-16 14:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for kicking all that ass, hornets piss me off more than the french.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-16 13:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*shudder*
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-08-16 13:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Uh....yeah. Good morning class. (Yes, I know it is 1:33 p.m.)
Apparantly, at more than one point last night I forgot I was writing about hornets. Just replace ever mention of the words "ants" or "bees" with "hornets" or "wasps."
Other than that, I...uh......pretty much fucked everything else up, too. You know a post you've written is high quality when you have trouble reading it once you've sobered up.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-16 12:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What the hell was up with the ants? Were they ants, or bees? Or both?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-16 09:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha! You should write high more often.
"we opted to simply slut the rest of the hornets"
Hahahahaa!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-08-16 09:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My hero.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-08-16 08:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-08-16 04:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i had a bad experiance with a tree stand and one of em flying bastard like bugs
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-16 03:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh yeah, totally seamless.
Submitted by Walsareck (user info) at 2004-08-16 03:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool - We're going hand-to-hand with the bastards!!! HAHAHAHAha!!! A massacre!!!
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-16 02:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for quoting Ash
+1 for looking like an angry Jesus
...and I liked this series
Submitted by Omnivexed (user info) at 2004-08-16 02:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those typos were great, most of them were so well placed I wasn't sure if you actually
meant to do it or not.
"Instead, we opted to simply slut the rest of the hornets with the fly-slutters until then
lay all dead."
Good stuff
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-16 02:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha........
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-08-16 02:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oy.
Make not fun at my painted walls. I still have the masking tape around the trim there, that is why it looks so bad.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-08-16 01:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think you missed something in there about where the ants came from, but then, my mind isn't capable of making such interesting cognitive leaps, either.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-08-16 01:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I have written while drunken before, not otherwise unincumbernated, but I think this will turn out just fine."
Hahahahahaha
+2 for using the word unincumbernated.
and as for your picture's title, yeah, right.
Submitted by ofMontreal (user info) at 2004-08-16 01:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-16 01:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate it when someone who can write like you, doesn't.
That's a lot of bees.
What did you use to paint the walls with, a fork?