Going Home (1047 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.95 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by munkeypants (View user info) at 2004-08-16 12:42:50 EDT
All around her she heard unfamiliar hushed voices. Off to her left she could hear the rhythmic beeping of a machine. In alarm she realized the voices were speaking of her.
"So young... it's so sad...."
"Such a trajedy..."
"His parents are devastated..."
Wait. Him? Are they talking about Ryan?
She fought to open her eyes. She fought to move her limbs. All she could feel was a detached numbness. Her body would not respond. It was as if she no longer had control of her body.
It was then she realized she was in a hospital.
"He never even made it to the hospital. The car was crushed..."
The car accident. Their friend John had been drinking but insisted he was all right. Ryan
didn't want to go with him but she had insisted. She remembered hearing Ryan yelling to
John and remembered seeing the truck coming straight towards them.
No! Not her Ryan! Oh god, please no! Her childhood friend and companion. Her first love.
Growing up Mayleen and Ryan were inseperable. Everyday after school they would go straight
to their "special place". A secluded nook they had found down by the brook. Under a poplar
tree they would watch as the sun sank toward the horizon splashing the trees and the water with a beautiful golden hue. To them it was a secret place. A solace form the world. No parents,
teachers, or annoying little brothers. Just the two of them. There they would talk for hours
about their dreams and aspirations.About what they wanted from life. What they would be, who
they would marry. Which is cooler, pirates or ninjas? Why the Sox should win the world series
this year.
She recalled the time a doe and her fawn had stepped from the trees to drink from the water.
They watched in silent wonderment. The moment was so beautiful she had cried. Ryan had gently teased her about "crying over Bambi". Then he had hugged her tight and told her how beautiful
she was. That was when they had shared their first real kiss.
No, not Ryan. Not the boy who had carried her books for her to and from school. The only one
who was there for her as her mother lay dying in the bedroom upstairs. The one who said he
would always be there for her. The boy who had loved her.
Oh god. Why?
The conversation went on around her as if she were not there at all. She fought her body. She wanted so badly to jump up from the bed and scream. She wanted to pound at the walls with her fists. She wanted to scream with grief, the unfairness of it all. She felt as if a part of
her soul had died.
"She may not make the night, Mr Connor. She her body is so badly... hurt. Even if she were to live..." The doctors voice trailed off.
She knew her time was coming. She wanted to badly to hug her father for one last time. But
she couldn't. She knew it was time to go.
And then she saw it. A light. A distant beacon in the blackness. It gave her a feeling of
strange familiarity. A feeling of perfect serenity. Against the light she could see two silhouettes. A woman and a young man. They were waiting patiently for her to let go. She felt herself running towards the light. Towards the people who were waiting there with open arms. Welcoming her.
She was going home.
User Reviews
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-05-08 23:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG TEH PANTS!!1!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-02 05:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*cries... then ejaculates*
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-27 23:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what if you really are home?
then what do you do?
i should read thes ebefore i rate based sooley on the title.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-27 16:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...this was absolutely beautiful. +3!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, Cheif! That's cute!!
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Saw this, thought of you: http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/?t=archives&date=2004-08-14
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-16 16:45:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Im sure it was beautiful but I couldnt keep reading after I learned that her name was Mayleen.
------------------------
that's my aunt name. it's irish. all of my family are named irish names...
moira, maureen, trisha, patrick, daniel... i think mayleen is pretty...
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-16 18:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmmm, I agreeeeeeee with Filthy the nitpicked Cunt, but flow and tone are hard things to master. I like it!
Could use a few more blow jobs and passionate anal sex though.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-16 18:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok ok ok, I felt bad about the whole 'nat reading' thing.
Yes, I meant to type 'nat'.
OH MY GOD! A 16 year old Asian girl just walked by my office window. So hot, want to fuck...
Ok, back to you, wait a minute...why an erection right now?
Ok, I'm sorry, OH MY GOD ASIAN GIRL!!!!!!!
Shit--ok, bathroom time...
BRB.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-16 18:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry baby, I din't read it--but I would love to fuck your face off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-16 17:05:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ffs the girls at deaths door and two inconsiderate arsewipes are shining a torch in her face.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-16 16:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good, but spell check!
Also your tone shifts when you move to the girls thoughts, the rest of the piece tends to flow, but the girls voice jerks the reader out of it. 'No! Not her Ryan! Oh god, please no!'
Way too staccato for the tone of the piece.
Didn't make me smile, made me half frown in sadness, so I thought it was equivalent.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-08-16 16:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so sad
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-16 16:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im sure it was beautiful but I couldnt keep reading after I learned that her name was Mayleen.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-16 16:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Woah, Wazza.. actually you are never speechless so I am very
complimented!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-16 16:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You is good.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-16 16:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For me no comment = speechless, a very big complement.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-16 16:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thank you very much for the compliment.. i don't mind the
"no comments" at all although feedback is always nice.
it's the person who gave me a +1 "just to screw up my rating" that
pisses me off...
But, as this is the first time I have ever written fiction this is more than
i had hoped for.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-16 15:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment - Don't you hate it when people do that on something you actually TRIED on. I've been toying with a very similar post for a while (someone aware and dying in a hospital bed), but I've been unable to make it work. This worked. I love the way you handled the ending. If anything, I would have loved for you to flush it out a little more. It was over too quickly. Awesome nonetheless.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-16 14:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-16 14:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-08-16 14:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed i cried then i +2 you becouse im having your baby
Submitted by OICU812 (user info) at 2004-08-16 13:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just to ruin your rating :)
Submitted by MGB (user info) at 2004-08-16 13:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol don't drink and drive, also don't drink and have sex with ugly women/transsexuals
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-16 13:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is pretty damn good munkey.
Two things I would change though (possibly only because I'm a miserable nitpicking cunt)
1) "In alarm she realized the voices were speaking of her." <--- I don't know what it is about this sentence that irks me, but it does. It kinda jars when you read it aloud.
2) The paragraph that starts with "And then she saw it." - it's easy to slip into hackneyed images when writing the whole death thing. I think you handled it pretty well, but I'd rethink this part, make it less obvious somehow.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-16 13:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoyed it.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-16 13:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you because you're not one-sided. You seem to appreciate my work, no matter the calibur or quality, and you always produce quality. A bitch like Loren usually -2's my work. Love ya!
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-16 13:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-16 13:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jared,
yes please. I would love to know how to better my writing. What would you have done different?
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-16 12:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-08-16 12:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. You tell a little too much, rather than showing, but a fine story nonetheless. Let me know if you'd like a more detailed critique.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-08-16 12:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-16 12:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment